


Shattering the Skies Above

by halfalie



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Abuse, F/F, Multi, Violence, War, no bellamy, no city of lights, no jaha, no jason rothenberg nonsense, no unnecessary killing of lesbian characters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-24
Updated: 2016-09-09
Packaged: 2018-03-19 10:26:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 47,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3606717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halfalie/pseuds/halfalie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was never supposed to be like this. Clarke was never supposed to stand in front of her, face battered, hands trembling, and eyes wide with anger and fear.</p><p>Clarke was never supposed to make Lexa feel as though the girl was standing on cracked ice, so close to being submerged and drowned in freezing water.</p><p>Clarke was never supposed to come back, but she had.</p><p>And Clarke was certainly never supposed to announce her marriage to the Ice Queen.</p><p>POST SEASON 2, Follows own storyline</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

Often times now she found herself thinking about what she could have done differently, what her heart says she _should_ have done differently that day at the foot of the mountain. Yes, not a day went by where the look on Clarke’s face didn’t haunt her, where the simple thought of Clarke didn’t sit uneasily in her stomach, where her heart did not shatter over and over again every time she did as much as breathe. She hid it well, of course. The same way she had hidden it well the day she had walked away from the fight, her people, _all_ of her people, at her side while Clarke’s people lay waste in the mountain. Where she left Clarke to lay waste to the mountain, Lexa’s heart in the palm of her hand and Lexa knew that had she if she might have been heartless before, now it had to be true, for the gap in her chest only grew each passing day she was without Clarke at her side.

There had been news following the week of her betrayal. The mountain had fallen. The mountain had fallen _because_ of Clarke. She had infiltrated it, and her, Bellamy and the rest of the hundred had ripped it apart from the inside. There had been whispers of course, from the neighboring tribes, from her warriors, from her people. The sky-girl had been a hurricane of fury, and she had won the war on her own, more blood on her hand than Lexa thought she’d ever get. Some rumors went as far as to say the sky-girl had left no survivor, something Lexa knew in her heart _could not_ be true, because Clarke had a heart, Clarke cared.

At least… she hoped so.

It was six months later that she saw any of the sky people again. She had been in her tent, looking over the pages of a book Clarke had left behind one night. Of course, Lexa had no understanding of the symbols written on the paper but it brought her comfort to know that in her hand she held a piece of Clarke’s thoughts. But all thoughts of Clarke faded with the sound of a blaring horn, signaling intruders in the field.

Indra stormed in then, one word barely leaving her mouth before Lexa was up on her feet and out of the tent, the book dropped on the floor.

“Skaikru.”

She was quick to mount her horse, Indra at her side within seconds and many of her warriors following suit. One thought crossed her mind over and over again as she rode towards the group of people in the field. . _Clarke… Clarke has come home._

The sky-people were unarmed, hands up in surrender as the grounders surrounded them. Lexa tried to be subtle as her eyes scanned the crowd for the blonde-haired girl who would fill the gap in her chest. She saw Octavia holding Bellamy up against her, the boy burnt beyond recognition and she felt Indra tense beside her. A few young faces she didn’t recognize, and a few she did. Her eyes passed over Abby and Kane, obviously leading the group and she looked again.

She was not there.

Lexa’s eyes met Abby’s and the older woman nodded slightly. Lexa’s world crumbled. She barked out orders; bring the sky-people back into camp and tend to their injuries. With that said, she turned around and galloped back to camp, back to safety, back to where thoughts of Clarke would consume her until she could breathe once more.

The dust had barely settled from the trip there, and Lexa used that as an excuse for the undeniable burning of tears in her eyes. She would not let herself be weak, not now, not yet.

 

 

Lexa had spent the next few days avoiding her duties, avoiding the Skaikru because she did not want them there. What good could come of this? They hated her, despised her beyond measure. And for her, nothing was worse than the absence of Clarke. It taunted her, softly from a distance, the uncertainty that Clarke was alive at all and every day that passed beat heavily in her mind that Clarke had not survived the mountain.

It was a notion she would believe until she finally spoke to the sky people again. They had needed to meet of course; people were growing unwary of the Skaikru. After all, wasn’t the alliance gone? Who was to say they wouldn’t massacre the entire village when given the chance? That’s how she had found herself with her generals and the Chancellor in the middle of a discussion. Still there was no improvement, as the conversation drew on, there was nothing that Abby offered that would let Lexa allow them to stay. The end was drawing near when Abby finally shattered Lexa’s reality. 

“She told us to come here, you know?” It was barely above a whisper but the words rang so loudly in Lexa’s head.

“Clarke’s alive?” Lexa bit down on her tongue, cursing the woman for making her break composure in front of her generals. Abby’s hand shook, Lexa noticed, as she spoke again, ignoring the question all together.

“She said you’d be here, and… and that you’d give this alliance a second try.” _Give_ us _a second try_ , Lexa thought. There was a thick knot in her throat and she swallowed before turning to her generals.

“ _Get out_ ,” she commanded in her native tongue, her voice stronger than she felt. Indra gave her an apprehensive nod before leaving, the rest of the generals following suit.

“Where is she?” she snapped. Abby remained unmoving but Lexa could see a wild anger swirling in her eyes, the same kind of anger she felt now.

“She’s not with us.” It was short, to the point, but it spoke volumes and Lexa couldn’t help but feel herself drowning in confusion.

“What do you mean?” Abby looked up then; the venom in Lexa’s voice hadn’t gone unnoticed.

“I thought you of all people would understand,” Abby said, her voice so voided and cold of emotions it reminded her of Clarke when she said she wanted the mountain men dead. How true of a statement that had become.

Lexa narrowed her eyes and let out a deep breath.

“You may have our alliance, Chancellor. I do intend to rectify my actions.” She pulled the knife out of the table and sheathed it. “If this is what Clarke wanted then she shall have it.” The girl watched as the older woman gaped back and her and she tensed again, frowning. Perhaps this one time she could indulge in a little bit of honesty.

“I am not sure what you may think of me Abby Griffin, but please let it not be that my feelings for Clarke are not true, and that I do not care about her. What happened on the mountain… I cannot change, and I’m not sure I would if given the chance. My people come first, and I’m sure Clarke knew this as well. But if this is what Clarke wanted, I can allow my heart to lead for once.”

And with that she turned around and walked out of her tent, leaving a very confused yet grateful Abby behind.

 

 

Months passed by, but the absence of Clarke did not fade from Lexa. Yes, not a second went by where Lexa did not hope that the space within her heart would no longer be as empty as the space between her arms, for it was the space within which Clarke belonged. Still, she focused on her duties as a leader for the threats of war grew with every passing months: the Ice Nation was becoming restless in the north and she was running out of ideas to keep them a bay. No matter how many ideas she had had, it was not enough and one day she found herself in a conundrum.

The morning dew had not yet dried but the entire camp was in a fury; the Ice Nation was at the gate, and Lexa had no choice but to let them in. Her feet felt wet as she walked through camp, Indra and Ryder flanking her on both side. Surely, she thought, she was walking to her death.

“Are you here to declare war?” Lexa quipped as she walked into the tent, noting that the Ice Queen had an unusual companion at her side; a rider, shielded by a black hood. “Your presence is trifling, usually you would just send me somebody’s head.”

“We are not here for war, _Heda_ ,” the woman spoke, a smirk tugging at her lips on the last word. Her head shot up at that, whatever the woman wanted, she feared. The Ice Queen, Moira, turned her head towards the side. The rider in black shifted and Lexa's hand gripped the hilt of her sword tightly, any move to attack and she would strike back.

“Oh? Then speak, what is the cause of your visit?”  The air was tense, thick, everything that made it hard for Lexa to breathe.

“I am here to announce my union, a ceremony I’m sure you’ll take pleasure in attending as it would mean peace between our people.” Lexa let out a breath she’d been holding, something so trivial had brought her so much discomfort and she almost laughed.

“And to whom is this union?”

A wicked grin flashed across Moira’s face as she signaled the black rider forward. In one swift move the rider removed their hood, blonde hair and blue eyes revealing themselves to the entire room. It was instinctual; Lexa took a step forward, a broken gasp of the girl’s name leaving her lips.

“Clarke…”

She heard Abby do the same but she figured it had more to do with the other girl’s appearance than anything else. Clarke’s face was covered in bruises and thin white scars ran down the length of her neck. The girl’s blond hair was chopped messily to her shoulder, streaks of mud tainting it. Her face remained stoic, her lips pressed together tightly and eyes burning wild with rage as she averted her eyes away from Lexa’s stare. But Lexa couldn’t look away, she couldn’t fathom how the girl she’d believe to be dead was now standing in front of her looking so broken yet so put together. Her heart hammered in her chest; she could still feel the taste of Clarke on her lips.

_Not you._

_Not yet._

“Clarke of the sky has agreed to a union ceremony, I’m sure you understand why,” Lexa averted her eyes, just briefly, to look at the Ice Queen. “The Mountain has crumbled, Sky and Ice are to be forged as one.”

“What are you playing at?”

“Oh Lexa…” Moira began, walking towards her. The commander pulled her sword out slightly, as did Indra and Ryder and the ice queen smirked, stepping closer still so that only Lexa could hear while she spoke. “How painful must it be to watch the girl you love be joined to another, dare I say? I can’t imagine the betrayal you must feel.”

The Ice Queen stepped back and turned around, addressing the room this time.

“Then again… you seem to know a lot about betrayal.”

The air around them seemed to drop and Lexa was sure she was suffocating. _Clarke had told her_.

In the corner of her eyes, she saw the girl step forward, her face hard but eyes filled with regret. Lexa swallowed.

There were murmurs and it took everything in her for Lexa not to step forward and strike down the Ice Queen where she stood.  Instead she watched as the girl who had destroyed her heart before, destroyed it again by making her way to Clarke and grabbing her by the chin to pull her into a forceful kiss. She heard Clarke hiss and Lexa stumbled forward, unable to do anything else as the woman she hated more than anything hurt Clarke, hurt her heart. Lexa had seen blood before, but the sight of it coming from the blonde’s lips made her nauseous. _Attack her and you attack me_.

With that, it didn’t taken Lexa much intelligence to figure out who had caused the bruises on Clarkes face. _Oh God… she’s tortured her._

“Is this what you want, Clarke?” she wavered, her composure disintegrating with every second that ticked on. The blonde nodded tightly but her eyes said anything but. Her eyes screamed the same screamed she’d seen a million times before… with Finn, with herself. They screamed for release, an alternative, something that would smother away the last remnants of yesterday.  They screamed that Clarke, Clarke did not want this.

“The Skaikru marches with us now, our alliance is being rebuilt, how does this play into this?”

“Yes... the alliance, the one that, if I recall correctly, you shattered.”

Silence. The girl pursed her lips tightly. She didn’t need to speak, Moira continued.

“Not that it matters. Is this not what you want? My alliance to Clarke, along with your alliance to the Skaikru, would mean that we are no longer at war.”

Abby stepped forward then, Clarke’s face mirrored the exact action of glass shattering, and God, Lexa wish she had done that sooner.

“Clarke does not lead us anymore, she has no part to play in political affiliations”

“Your daughter is the reason you stand before me. How dare you say she does not lead you?”

_“I never wanted this, I never wanted any of this_.” It rung in Lexa’s head over and over again, every heartbeat drew blood and doubt. Yes, Clarke never wanted this, but neither had Lexa. Like Clarke, she was burdened with the duty to protect and lead her people.

“Do we have your support, Lexa kom Trikru?”

She looked at Clarke, wanted to fight for her and die for her and let her know that a life with her (no matter how short of a life it would be) was a life she would make sure was much better spent then the one she had just chosen for herself. But she could not, as hard as it was… she simply could not afford to go to war against the Ice Nation.

“You do,” she said finally, a few gasps resounding through the tent. Moira’s eyes lit up and she smiled victoriously, this would crush her and she knew it.

“Great,” she walked back to Clarke and gently brushed her hand under the other girl’s chin. Lexa watched as Clarke’s eyes shut close and a shaky breath left her lips. Moira leaned in and whispered something in Clarke’s ear that made her eyes go wide before meeting Lexa’s sadly. Lexa knew what she had said of course, and wish that she could contest it. But that was dangerous water to thread and Lexa did not want to risk Clarke drowning.

Lexa knew what she had said because it had been the same thing Moira had told Costia before cutting off her head. “ _You were foolish to think you meant anything to her, she doesn’t love you and she never has_.” But Lexa did love her, the same way she had loved Costia in that icy castle, only seconds before she’d watch the ice queen struck down and kill her. It had been what Lexa had to do to be granted peace, knew that her entire nation would fall to the hand of the Ice Nation if war was waged between them and now… well now history was repeating itself.

“We leave tomorrow,” Moira began, shaking Lexa out of her trance, “we are to pay visits to the remaining ten tribes, let them know of our engagement. The ceremony will happen here in two months time,” she stated before smirking again, “I trust that it’s no problem.”

Lexa nodded solemnly. As quickly as Clarke had been here, she would be gone again. She would come back of course, but by then it would be to late and Lexa would have to watch as Clarke promised herself to another.

“I would like to speak with Clarke alone.” It was out of her mouth before she could even process it but hell, if Lexa had any chance of fixing this it will not be surrounded by all these people. Clarke and Moira exchanged a quiet conversation with their eyes and the Ice Queen ended up nodding before exiting the room, her guards following behind her. Lexa nodded towards her guards and the generals, as well as Abby, and they were quick to exit as well, leaving behind her and Clarke in a crumbling castle of shattered promises and empty broken possibilities of a tomorrow. Nothing was more detrimental than loving in a time of war.

 

 

“I thought you dead, Clarke,” was the first thing she said.

“I wished you dead,” Clarke answered back coldly, the easiness in that sentence struck Lexa hard in the gut. Clarke speaking made her heart flutter, God how she had missed it. Her voice was barely above a whisper when she spoke again.

“Me too.” That’s when Clarke actually looked at her. She looked at her as though she had promised the stars but robbed her of the sun.

“Why are you doing this, Clarke? Is it to spite me? I did not lie when I gave you my heart all those months ago. If you were looking to shatter it, you have done so. Are you satisfied? You don’t need to do this.” The other girl let out a shaky sigh and Lexa wish she could catch it with her mouth.

“You don’t get it do you, Lexa,” Clarke muttered, tired from the day’s activities. Her voice sounded so far away that Lexa wondered if the other girl was really here at all. “This has nothing to do with u… with us… They are stronger than you think,” Clarke closed her eyes and cringed, “ _She_ is stronger than you think.”

“Clarke… what are you talking about?”

“She would have killed everyone just like I… I … It doesn’t matter, I cannot… I _will not_ have anymore blood on my hands.” She got quiet then, and Lexa reached over to gently grab her arm, not failing to notice the wince that illuminated Clarke’s face.

“You are not alone in this, Clarke, the blood on your hands I share with you. There are other choices, please do not let this be the one you make.”

“Choice? You think this is a choice? You don’t think that if there was ANY other possibility, I wouldn’t have taken it?” Clarke ripped her arm out of Lexa’s hold, her words bitter and final, “I did what I had to be done to keep my people safe, there was no choice.”

“Clarke…” Lexa wavered, clearing her throat immediately. “Please… stay, there are people that care about you here.” _I care about you._

“Love is weakness,” Clarke spat out, her breathing harsh, “you taught me that remember.” Lexa watched as Clarke stumbled back, a frown immediately taking over her features. “You t…” Clarke brought a hand up to her head, her eyes blinking rapidly and her other hand flailed around beside her, trying desperately to grab on to something as she lost her balance.

If she thought about it later on, Lexa found it strange how quick Clarke had been to fall, her whole body seemed so heavy and yet she’d been so light when Lexa had caught her in her arms. And Lexa thought of the Pauna, and how Clarke had held her in her arms, pulled her to safety and held her there that night in the forest. Yes, she thought of Clarke sleeping by the fire, though nothing made her burn quite the way having Clarke in her arms did. But Clarke was burning up herself, her arms weak in her protest to push Lexa away. Lexa felt herself vibrating, her voice loud with her calls for help as she lifted the girl into her arms and out of the tent. She saw Abby running towards them but felt it might be too late as Clarke struggled to keep her eyes opened.

“I’m not sure… _please_ ,” she begged quietly enough for only the two women to hear, “save her.”

“No, let me go,” she said. _Let me die_ , Lexa heard and her heart (what was left of it) ached again as she watch the other girl weakly succumb to sleep in her arms.

 

_I have just found you again, Clarke, do not leave me yet._

 


	2. the night is fractured and they shiver, blue, those stars, in the distance

“Clarke is coming with us.”

 

“She won’t survive the trip.”

 

“We have a healer, she will be taken care of.”

 

“You’re not listening to me, she will _die_ if you move her.”

 

“She is mine to move if I please.”

 

“She can’t be yours if she’s dead.”

 

This had been the debate between Abby and Moira for the better part of the evening, and Lexa grew restless and tired of it. Clarke was fighting an infection. All over her torso, there had been long deep red unmerciful gashes that had not been taken care of properly. Lexa wanted to believe they’d been cause by accident, but she was too familiar with the distinct marking of a knife.

 

They had been in this tent much too long and she feared something happening to Clarke in the meantime. It was a silly notion of course, Clarke was in the tent next to them and if she closed her eyes and focused, she could hear the faint beeping of a portable heart rate monitor echoing through the thick tent walls. It had been one of the many salvaged from the wreckage of Camp Jaha a month ago, back when Lexa still believed she’d never hear Clarke’s heartbeat again. She was not about to go back to that.

 

“The chancellor is right,” Lexa finally rasped out, standing up from the wooden chair she’d been sitting on. The Ice Queen opened her mouth and Lexa brought a careful hand up to silence her. “Clarke cannot be your unioned if she does not survive, the alliance will fall through.”

 

There was a glint of something in the Queen’s eyes that Lexa couldn’t quite decipher and her heart thumped loudly in her ears.

 

“Unless…” Lexa began apprehensively, “unless you wish Clarke dead. ” Her voice almost wavered on that last word, but she knew she had to control herself. Any sign of weakness from her would show Moira that she had already won whatever battled waged between them and Lexa was not ready to admit defeat.

 

The Ice Queen averted her eyes to the table under her hands and Lexa watched her run her tongue on her bottom lip in a clear demonstration of pensiveness. The silence drowned on and Lexa almost broke it again.

 

“No,” Moira finally said, pushing herself off the table, “I have grown quite fond of Clarke.” The woman turned to face her, her eyes shining dangerously as she locked them with Lexa’s. “She has proven herself to be valuable, and lethal.” She smirked. “And she is a very pleasing lover, though her discipline leaves much to be desired.”

 

Lexa froze, her eyes widened and she stifled a painful gasp. Her eyes fluttered closed in defeat only to be ripped open by images of Clarke and Moira. There was bile building up at the back of her throat and Lexa swallowed before the Queen spoke again.

 

“But as demonstrated, I do hope she’s learnt from this incident.”

 

“The gashes…” It was Abby that had spoken, her voice a whisper of disbelief and Lexa felt herself getting caught in it. Her fists were tight at her sides. She was choking on her tongue and felt that if possible, she’d have shatter where she stood. If Clarke was fighting for her life right now, it wasn’t by accident. The Ice Queen did not look at Abby while she answered her, her eyes stayed on Lexa, taunting her almost.

 

“Though we are to be joined, do not be fooled to think we are equal. Clarke is my subordinate in every aspect, something I’ve had to remind her.”

 

“You’re “reminders” could kill her.” This time, Moira did turn her head to look at Abby.

 

“How is that different from you sending your daughter to the ground, Chancellor?” she said passively before turning back towards Lexa, “or you abandoning her to the mountain?”

 

A thick tension resonated through the tent like a gunshot and Lexa could do nothing but bleed from wounds that weren’t there at all.

 

“Nothing? You are right. It is not much different. Your actions could have killed Clarke. Instead, they have sent her to me and now she is mine and mine to do with what I please.”

 

“If Clarke is at your disposability, why don’t you let her die? _We both know the real reason you’re doing this, Moira_ ,” Lexa said, switching to broken Icelandic so that Abby would not understand.

 

“ _I saw the way your jaw tightened, Lexa. Knowing that Clarke belongs to me is killing you and it will do so over and over again until your body rots in the ground where it belongs._ ” The Ice Queen paused before adding, “ _Had known that’s what it took, I would have bedded Costia_.”

 

Lexa snarled and lunged forward blindly only to be stopped by Moira’s booming voice. “ _Enough_.” The smirk has disappeared from the Queen’s face and her icy stare bore into Lexa’s voice. Her voice was furious when she spoke again.

 

“ _You have taken something from me and now I am taking_ everything _from you_ ,” she stepped towards Lexa slowly, “ _I want you to see Clarke and know that if she is like this, it is because of you. You will attend our ceremony and you will watch as she gives her life to me. You will not intervene or I will see to it that this nation sees a war unlike any they’ve ever seen before_.”

 

Wind blew through the tent and Lexa turned around to lean against the table, letting out a harsh breath.

 

“ _I understand_ ,” Lexa conceded.

 

“ _Good_ ,” Moira replied before walking towards the entrance of the tent. She reverted back to English and nodded towards Abby. “Clarke will stay here. When I come back, we will be joined. If anything happens in the meantime…. I will wipe out this entire village, and I _will_ destroy the coalition,” she said before looking over her shoulder and addressing Lexa, “ _I will make you watch as I slit her throat._ ”

 

Moira walked out and Lexa swallowed, her eyes trained hard on the wood underneath her hands.

 

“What was that about?” Abby inquired and Lexa closed her eyes, wishing she could stop the trembling of her heart. There was nothing she could say that would begin to explain what any of that was about, all she knew was that she was drowning in feelings she had never wanted to revisit. Indra walked into the tent then and Lexa forced herself to regain her composure, just for a minute. She pushed herself off the table and turned to face Indra, speaking in Trigedaslang.

 

“ _Indra.”_

 

“ _The Ice Nation is departing?_ ”

“ _In the morning_ _. They will be back._ ”

“ _They are not taking the sky girl?_ ” Lexa clenched and unclenched her jaw.

“ _No. Escort the Chancellor out of this tent. I am not to be disturbed unless there is an emergency.”_

“ _Commande-“_

“ _Now._ ”

She turned her back to both women, deaf to any sound but the one of her heart pounding erratically. When she was sure she was alone, she struck both fists down heavily on the table and swiped her arms across it. Maps, papers and various objects (including the model of the mountain Clarke and her had made during the war of the mountain) flew off and scattered quietly onto the floor. In desperation, Lexa brought her fists up and slammed them down again and again until her hands ached violently and she could no longer bring herself to slam them.

 

Lexa’s breath blew out of her like a hurricane and her legs buckled underneath her. She didn’t feel herself falling, nor did she register she was no longer standing until she felt her back hit the tent wall, knocking the remaining air out of her. Silence enveloped her and her eyes fluttered closed. From the darkness she heard the faint growing sound of Clarke’s heartbeat and her own heart stopped.

 

“I am truly sorry, Clarke,” she whispered softly to herself, “you fell from the sky, and I did not catch you.”

 

 

 

By morning light, the Ice Nation had left the fields of TonDC to make their way to the northern city of Elfas. There had been a handful that had stayed behind, ordered by the Queen to fulfill their duty of care and protection to Clarke of the Sky, though Lexa knew that was just pretense for their presence in her camp. It made her people restless, though the icelings were few in numbers, and she had had to address the entire village to inform them of the situation.

 

It was short and quick, and Lexa soon found herself back in the comfort of the tent. _Where she could hear Clarke’s heart_. Her head was pounding from her lack of sleep and she had demanded that she be left alone.

 

Though when did anything she ever asked for actually happen?

 

She had been sitting down in her throne, eyes closed and focused on the slow beeping for barely a moment when Octavia had stormed into her tent. Ryder, her guard, was right behind her and Lexa barely resisted the urge to hit him.

 

“I am sorry commander, I tried to stop her,” he said apologetically. Indra walked in then, eyes wild with anger and she snarled Octavia’s name.

 

She waved both of them down, shifting slightly in her throne. “ _Go back to your post, Ryder, get me when the sky girl wakes up_. _Indra, stay_.”

 

“How can you support this?" The warrior accused.

 

Lexa adjusted herself and rested her hand on her knife but she stayed quiet.

 

“You saw what they’ve done to Clarke.” It wasn’t a question but she could hear the curiosity behind it. Lexa’s stomach churned violently: she ignored it and nodded.

 

“Didn’t _you_ create the coalition? Do something.”

 

Again, she was silent. Octavia scoffed.

 

“You’re a coward.”

 

“You will do well to remember your place Oktavia,” Indra whispered harshly to her second. Though she had been reinstated, it was easy for Lexa to see that they had not worked out feelings forged in the mountain.

 

“No, my friend is dying because of _you_ ,” she said addressing Lexa.

 

“Hold your tongu-“

 

“ _Em pleni_ ,” Lexa finally exclaimed. She took a deep breath and held it in, only exhaling it when she knew she could speak without her voice wavering. “Octavia is right to inquire, but it does not matter.” Lexa averted her eyes momentarily before standing up from her throne and walking towards the girl. “The coalition only applies to the eleven tribes who have signed it. Two have not and therefore cannot be tried or reprimanded for their crimes.”

 

There was a pause and Lexa’s mind drifted back to Clarke. She wondered if the sky girl was awake yet, though Ryder had not come fetch her. Octavia interrupted her thoughts and she forced herself to focus.

 

“Well then ask the other ten tribes to fight for you.” Her eyes flickered and met Octavia’s.

 

“How can I? The coalition is an alliance, not a suicide pact. It only serves to protect and prevent. Few joined the fight against the mountain, and even then, they will not go to war against the Ice Nation. They are afraid, and they have every right to be.”

 

She breathed deeply again, though manage to hide it well: it was hard to breathe when every breath was a forceful wave of fear.

 

“Let it be known to you, Oktavia, that all eleven tribes combined would not be enough to defeat the Ice Nation. They have lived and thrived in harsh climate. To march up to the North and declare war would be a march to our own graves.” She blinked slowly and licked her lips: it did not please her to admit weakness. “They have made no move to take our lands and our resources, though it has come close, and for that I am grateful. This alliance could stop _years_ of political tension.”

 

Octavia’s eyes shunned dangerously and Lexa wanted to strike her down, make her understand that her hands were tied behind her back and she could do nothing.

 

“So what?” She shrugged. “You’re just going to leave Clarke to the wolves? Let her suffer while you sit here, dignified with the choices you’ve made? She _needs_ you.” It was forceful, full of hate and this time Lexa could not control herself; she slammed her hand on the table, still feeling the distinct throbbing of similar actions, and effectively silenced Octavia.

 

“I cannot love her if she is dead,” she nearly yelled out.

 

The tent was silent again and Lexa knew her breathing was much too loud and broken to go unnoticed by the other women. She swallowed and composed herself.

 

“ _You_ cannot love her if she is dead,” Lexa repeated quietly, “none of you can. This is not the choice I want to take, but it’s the only one I have.”

 

Octavia went to speak again but Lexa silenced her with a look.

 

“My people come first, Oktavia, remember that but do not think that I have not counted Clarke in the equation. If I deny the union now, or intervene in any way, Moira will retaliate and thousands will die, _including_ Clarke… though her death will be more painful. Do not question my decisions, Oktavia kom _trikru_ ,” she spat out, “I have already done more than enough questioning for the both of us and you will remember that _I_ am your commander; what I say is absolute.”

 

She saw Indra nod to herself in the corner, and Lexa swallowed again.

 

“Is that clear?”

 

Octavia bit down on her lip before gently shaking her head up and down. Lexa turned around to walk back to her throne when Octavia spoke again.

“Why is the Ice Queen so hell bent on this?”

 

It was a simple question and Lexa froze. It was a simple question, but the answer itself was too complex for Lexa to even understand it herself. Thankfully, it was then that they were interrupted and the tent flap opened, revealing an apologetic looking Ryder.

 

“ _Heda_ ,” he breathed out, bowing slightly, “ _she is awake_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haven't had time to edit this but please don't hesitate to let me know what you thought!  
> \- L.L.


	3. here then, at long last, is my darkness

She pulled back the string of the bow and inhaled, holding a breath as she adjusted her shot. There was a gust of wind from the east and Lexa tilted the tip of her arrow into it. Squinting her eyes, she exhaled slowly before halting her breathing all together. Her hand brushed against her ear as she tightened her grasp and she listened to the sound of release as her hand opened. The arrow whistled through the foliage only to thunk hard into the trunk of a tree, narrowly missing the target. The deer looked up, startled, before fleeing and Lexa cursed: she couldn’t remember the last time she had missed her shot. She knew why of course; her mind was too heavy with thoughts of Clarke. Lexa had excused herself from TonDC since she’d learned Clarke was awake, opting to go out and hunt instead. Though thus far, the hunt hadn't been much of a success. Resigned, she lowered herself down on her knees and let out a deep breath.

 

“ _Nice shot_ ,” she heard behind her and she was quick to turn around, pulling an arrow back to shoot only to come face to face with Ryder.

 

“ _Remind me why I haven’t killed you yet_ ,” she said exasperated, lowering her bow. She put the arrow back into the makeshift quiver hanging on her hip and wrapped the bow around her torso before standing up.

 

“ _You tolerate my company too much. May I speak freely?”_

 

“ _As a friend? Or as my guard?”_

 

“ _As your friend_.” She paused and nodded and the older boy took a step towards her.

 

“ _You should not let the burden of Clarke weight down so heavily on you, she is strong, and she will survive. This is not your fault_.”

 

She clenched her jaw. There was so much Ryder didn’t know.

 

“ _I have seen you like this before, with Costia_.” Lexa snapped her eyes up at him and the boy almost recoiled. “ _You blame yourself for things that are out of your control_.”

 

“ _Enough, this is not a subject open for discussion_.” Ryder smiled sadly at her before nodding. She did not return his smile as she passed him to make her way back to camp.

 

 

     It was nightfall when Lexa finally mustered up the courage to visit Clarke. There was a small bonfire in the pit at which sky people and grounders alike were eating and chatting. It pleased her greatly, the extent to which grounders and sky folks were getting along in the shadow of the mountain. There was hope, perhaps, that she could achieve the same forgiveness from Clarke.

 

Lexa approached the tent, Ryder behind her and her sword dangling at her waist. Outside stood two guards she knew were not her own and she pursed her lips. They did not make eye contact with her, instead they trained their eyes on Ryder and Lexa was quick to wave him off. Five minutes, she would only stay five minutes.

 

From inside, she could hear one of the sky people, the one they called Raven, talking to Clarke. She had to strain herself to make out the subject of conversation, though it did not surprise her that it was about Camp Jaha.

 

“… a huge structure fire, burnt everything to the ground. Marcus said it had been an accident but…”

 

One of the guards cleared their throat and Lexa resisted the urge to roll her eyes.

 

“What,” she asked curtly.

 

“Your sword.”

 

Lexa did not reply. She debated against giving it up, this was her territory after all and taking off her sword would not look good in front of her people. Still, she wanted to… no… she _needed_ to see Clarke. She reasoned that it didn’t matter; everyone knew Lexa could kill someone with her bare hands. Her sword did not make up the entirety of her strength. She unsheathed it and handed it to the nearest guard who nodded back at her before making her way into the tent.

 

Raven stopped mid-sentence when she walked in. She'd been saying something about books salvaged from the fire though Lexa could not find it in her to care about Raven: her attention was solely focused on Clarke. The girl had never looked as small as she did lying in the makeshift hospital bed Nyko and Abby had set up. She was pale, her hair matted with sweat and arms lying weakly at her side. Bruises still ran dark blue on her face and her lungs heaved up and down with every breath she took. Lexa could not find air in her to breathe. The air around her was hot and suffocating, and smelt faintly of death. She licked her lips and tasted blood that wasn’t hers.  

 

Raven stood up then, catching Lexa’s attention though her eyes did not move from Clarke. The other girl limped towards the door, stopping at Lexa’s side briefly to give her what Lexa could only describe as a warning.

 

Clarke did not meet her eyes, and the commander refused to break the safety of the silence that surrounded them. She knew that once she talked, she would not be able to stop herself from begging Clarke to choose her, and she could not do that while Clarke was vulnerable.

 

She stood unmoving, her eyes trained on Clarke and her ears deafened by the silence of her heartbeat matching Clarke’s. Everything was so fragile and Lexa feared that any movement would shatter Clarke’s complexion. She found herself staying longer than she intended to before telling herself that Clarke was alive, she had seen it, and now she could leave. Swallowing, she bowed before turning on her heals and taking calculated steps towards the entrance.

 

“I wish you’d stop doing that,” she heard tiredly behind her. It was like a whip cracked in the silence and she spun around, confusion written all over her face as her eyes met Clarke’s.

 

“What am I meant to stop?”

 

 Clarke swallowed, her eyes straying away from Lexa.

 

“Walking away from me.”

 

Had it been any quieter, Lexa would have missed it all together. But she _had_ heard it and she couldn’t deny the earthquake that came over her. It flashed before her; the memory of the mountain, Clarke accusing her of not caring, how she had had to force herself to walk away.

 

“Clarke…”

 

“Forget it,” the blonde haired girl slurred, “s’stupid, I know I shouldn’t.”

 

Lexa pursed her lips and bowed her head down, heart caught in her throat. There was hesitation in her movement but, before she had time to think, she found herself at Clarke’s bedside.

 

“I did not realize you did not want me to,” she admitted gently. Clarke let out a shaky breath in response and Lexa finally sat down, though Clarke did not look at her. They spent too long wrapped up in silence only broken by Clarke’s heartbeat and her desperate breathing. It was like waves crashing over and over again, shattering rocks against the sand. She hated sailing this ocean of uncertainty, not knowing if Clarke would survive the week, and if she did… not knowing if she would survive the storm to come, if _they_ would survive the storm to come. She almost wished she could let herself drown. This was a bittersweet dream Lexa wasn’t sure she ever wanted to wake up from.

 

“You should rest, Clarke,” Lexa said. Clarke’s eyes locked onto her, both of them heavy with sadness and regret that Lexa could not ignore.

 

“Don’t… Don’t pretend you care...”

 

“I do care, Clarke.”

 

“You kissed me.”

 

Though there was a good chance it hadn’t meant to sound like a question, Lexa couldn’t help but answer.

 

“I did.”

 

Clarke breathed out, one hand reaching up to her lips and tracing them.

 

“I can’t…” Clarke inhaled shakily, “I can’t… feel it anymore.” The confusion in her voice made Lexa’s throat tighten and she had to force herself to speak.

 

“You are not well, you must sleep.”

 

“Right… sleep… that sounds…” The girl wheezed out a breath before finishing her sentence, “nice…” Clarke’s hand dropped from her lips and thudded at her side. Before long, Clarke’s evened out breathing resonated through the tent and Lexa let out a breath she didn’t realize she’d been holding.

 

Lexa studied Clarke’s face but found peacefulness did not compliment her the same way it had in the forest. Clarke’s heartbeat enveloped her and she found herself lost in every aspect of Clarke. Up… down… Lexa leaned forward and watched the steady rise and fall of her chest, memorized the way it trembled every time the girl drew a deeper breath, noting that it matched the very trembling of her heart. _This is not how it’s supposed to be_. 

 

Despite everything in her screaming not to, Lexa could not stop herself from reaching out and tracing her fingers down the side of the sleeping girl’s face until she was cupping it and could brush her thumb underneath her eye. The bruises felt foreign to Lexa’s hands. Clarke tilted her head into the touch, and it took everything in the commander to not fall apart right there and then. She heard someone clear their throat behind her and ripped her hand away as she turned around. Clarke’s mom starred back at her, an eyebrow raised in question, and Lexa was pretty sure that if she could die of embarrassment; she would be dead on the spot.

 

“I was just… I w–”

 

“I need to change her bandages,” Abby interrupted softly.

 

“Right. I– ”

 

“I’m going to need your help.” Lexa’s eyes snapped up. The ghost of Clarke’s skin still felt hot in her hand and she wasn’t sure she could handle touching Clarke again.

 

“Where is Nyko? Surely he is better equipped to d-”

 

“There is a woman in a nearby village delivering a baby and he was the closest healer.”

 

Abby hiked Clarke’s shirt up and Lexa was quick to draw her eyes away from the girl’s torso, choosing instead to focus her attention on the wall just above Clarke’s head.

 

The chancellor halted whatever she was doing.

 

“Hey…” Abby’s hand grabbed onto hers. Lexa would have recoiled at the touch if thinking didn’t make her feel so nauseated. Her hand was guided to Clarke’s stomach and only when it touched skin did Lexa dare to look at the girl beneath her. She exhaled and Abby gave her hand a squeeze before releasing it.

 

Nothing could have prepared her for the smell that hit them when the first bandage came off. It was stronger and more repugnant than when she had first walked into the tent. It reminded her of too many deaths, Costia’s ringing the loudest amongst the memories and Lexa wished she was anywhere but here. Clarke shifted in her sleep, wincing subconsciously at the movement and both women stopped what they were doing. She did not open her eyes, much to their relief, and was soon still again.

 

“I didn’t understand it at first,” Abby began slowly, her hand resuming her previous activities, “why it seemed like every second word she said was your name.” Lexa gazed away from Clarke’s face back to her shaking bloodied hands.

 

“But I see it now.”`

 

“I’m afraid I am not of much use, will you excuse me,” she rushed out, pulling her hands away from Clarke. _Don’t cry don’t cry._ Abby grabbed her wrist and held her back.

 

“You care about her.” It was a statement that Lexa could not deny, God how she wanted to though.

 

“She has taught me to feel. I cannot lose that again,” she said, her voice wavering.

 

Abby paused.

 

“Then save her.”

 

“It is not that simple.”

 

“The right thing is rarely simple.” Abby released her wrist and looked at her sleeping daughter, her sleeping daughter that Lexa was undeniably in love with. “That’s what Clarke would tell you.”

 

Lexa swallowed, nodding slightly, and Abby nodded back.

 

 

     The camp was quiet when she emerged. A few stragglers were still by the dying fire, and Lexa felt a fire of her own burning inside of her. She took her sword from the guard and sheathed it, grateful for the comfort it brought. Indra and Ryder were waiting for her by the tent and she gestured for them to follow her back to her tent. Once they were inside she sat down and turned to look at them.

 

“ _Indra_ ,” she called and the woman stepped forward.

  
“ _I want scouts on her trail. I want to know where she is at all times. Send Fenix and Trent, they will be swift_. _And fetch Lincoln._ ” Indra nodded and exited the tent. She turned towards Ryder, rubbing off the blood from her hands with the edge of her coat.

 

“ _You are relieved from my duty, Ryder; I’m placing you in charge of Clarke_.” The boy grinned back at her and Lexa shot him a glare. “ _If any further harm comes to her, I will see to it that your death will be more painful_.”

 

“ _Yes, Heda. But who will protect you_?”

 

“ _That is no longer your concern_.”

 

Lincoln stepped in then, his disheveled appearance showing he had been woken up only moments before. Ryder looked towards Lexa for guidance and she gave him a pointed look back.

 

“ _Haven’t I assigned you to Clarke? Why are you still in my tent?”_

Ryder grunted and begrudgingly left the tent.

_“Lincoln.”_

_“Heda,”_ he acknowledged, bowing slightly.

_“Are you aware of the price of treason to your commander,_ ” she said, pulling out her pocketknife and digging it into the armrest of her throne. The boy stayed quiet.

 

 _“We have not addressed your leave of absence with the sky people but many seem to think it is treason_. _What have you to say for yourself?_ ”

 

“ _Commander,_ ” he began hesitantly, a little taken back by the conversation, “ _I do not regret them. They were not of deviance, rather… my head could not reason with my heart._ ” Lexa nodded at the mention of Octavia.

 

“ _She is a great warrior_ , _y_ _ou and Indra have taught her well."_  Lexa paused.

 

 _"I need a new guard_.”

 

“ _I’m sure… she would be honored?_ ”

 

“ _I was not speaking about Oktavia_.” There was a pause as Lincoln processed what Lexa was saying, shocked that the offer was even standing. He stood there, mouth agape before bringing himself to his senses.

_“No, I cannot let you. The warriors will doubt you; they do not trust me.”_

_“They will not doubt the blood on my blade. We need to be united as a clan, I cannot have doubt within my ranks."_

Lincoln stopped thinking and looked questioningly at Lexa, something about the tone of her voice shook him to awareness.

_“Too long have we lived in fear of the ice nation_ ,” she began confidently. She pulled the knife out and ran her index finger on the flat edge of the blade before making eye contact with the man she had trained with and (despite their history) respected.

 

“ _I intend to stop them_.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're slow at updating and you know it clap your hands
> 
> *clap clap*
> 
> Anyway, hope you guys liked it. Definitely more of a filler chapter but i've got a pretty good idea where this story's going. 
> 
> Spoiler: 
> 
> It's going to be epic.
> 
> -L.L.


	4. and in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat

Lexa spent the next two weeks on a rollercoaster of her duties and her devotion to Clarke. Whenever it seemed as though the other girl would break her fever, it came back stronger and more determined than before. She grew to hate walking into that tent, never knowing what to expect, never knowing if she’d be met with bitterness and disappointment or if the quiet numbness and confusion would consume her.

 

The resentment only fueled her need to figure out a way to defeat Moira, though that itself wasn’t achievable, at least not in any scenario Lexa played out in her head. Every single one of them had too many casualties, and weren’t justifiable by any means. After all, the pretense of peace weighed far greatly against any act of war; her warriors would not fight when a fight was not needed, Lexa could not ask them to.

 

Though Lexa gathered that if Clarke did not survive, her warriors would have a war to fight anyway. It was a burden that made TonDC anxious and hopeful for Clarke’s survival. It wasn’t like they were subtle about it: the people would look to her whenever she exited the tent, trying to read the cues she’d subconsciously give away on Clarke’s health. It made Lexa’s heart swell painfully, how easy her people had grown to accept Clarke and she couldn’t help but think that her and Clarke would have ruled well together.

 

The tension in TonDC was not lessened by the presence of ice people in their field, even though they were mostly women and children who could not afford to travel for such length of time. Guards still had to be increased at the wall, she could not risk any harm coming to her people and, although they were at peace, Lexa did not trust them.

 

This distrust proved to be true.

 

Lexa had just been resting in her tent when she heard the initial scream; it brushed faintly against her eardrum, carried by the wind and at first she believed her mind to be playing tricks on her. But then she heard it again, louder this time though she could not recognize the person who was screaming. Lincoln rushed in then and she was on her feet in an instant, already fastening the belt that held her sword. He nodded at her and she made her way outside, prepared to fight.

 

No fight was needed. Some ways away, two of her guards held a very young woman in their grip. She trashed and fought, wanting badly to reach Clarke’s tent that was a couple hundred meters away. _Clarke_. Her feet quickly moved and carried her to the point of conflict.

 

“Who are you?” she snarled at the woman, though she knew the answer. The woman said something in Icelandic, but Lexa could not understand it through her labored breathing.

  
“What?”

 

“ _My brother_ ,” she breathed out. Lexa stopped, turning to look at her questioningly. Her question was answered by another scream, closer to Clarke’s tent.

 

“ _Hold her, don’t harm her_ ,” Lexa said quickly in Trigedaslang before rushing towards the girl’s tent. People were watching now, they had stopped their daily activities and Lexa could not get there fast enough. She breathed out in relief when she noticed the conflict had not yet entered Clarke’s tent.

 

Ryder stood there, sword raised in defiance as a boy, no olderr than 6 clutched tightly at his leg. The ice guards had them both surrounded, their weapons also raised.

 

“ _What business have you raising your weapon at my guard_ ,” she questioned in Icelandic, hand resting on her sword.

 

“ _Our quarrel is not with your guard, but with the boy_ ,” the taller of the two guards answered, not bothering to look at her.

 

“They were going to kill him,” Ryder said, sensing the impending question. The guard stepped forward.

 

“He attempted to enter the tent without permission.”

 

“That’s not punishable by death,” Ryder spat back. Lexa was about to reply when the tent flap opened and time froze.

 

“He is right.”

 

It was Clarke, dawned in her white T-Shirt and baggy white medical pants. Her hair was still matted with sweat and Lexa could tell she was still feverish. A large crowd now surrounded them, a few people gasping the girl’s name. A murmur ran through them like a wave but Clarke’s attention was solely focused on the guard.

 

“The boy has done nothing wrong.”

 

“ _We have orders from the Queen.”_

 

Lexa could do nothing but watch as Clarke pulled a dagger from her side, moving swiftly to block the guard’s sword as she swiped the his legs out from underneath him. She stepped over him, grabbed the back of his shirt and pulled him onto his knees so that she stood behind him, dagger to his throat.

 

“ _I am your queen_ ,” she said icily. Had she not been perceptive, she would have missed the quick wince that crossed Clarke’s face at the movement. Clarke pressed the dagger to the man’s throat, her eyes dark with a fury and Lexa almost believed she would kill him right there and then. She was snapped out of her action when the tiny boy ran towards Clarke and latched onto her leg. Her eyes gazed down at the boy before she pushed the man back onto his stomach. The boy said Clarke’s name in awe as she picked him up slowly and for the first time since she’d seen her again, Lexa saw Clarke smile softly.

 

“ _You’ve caused quite the commotion, Athen,”_ Clarke murmured and the boy buried his head in her neck, able to do nothing else but nod. Lexa was amazed at how fluent Clarke’s Icelandic was and she let out a deep breath.

 

“ _Back to work,”_ she ordered loudly to her own people. Her heart was racing wildly and watching her people leave was all she could focus on to calm it down.

 

“ _Athen_!”

 

It was the younger girl, Lexa had almost forgotten she existed. She pushed through the crowd and Clarke handed her the younger boy.

 

The guard was still on the floor and Clarke turned him face up with her foot as she spoke, harsh and quick.

 

“ _The Gods are in your favor, you will not die today. Consider this a token of my sympathy; you are exiled, Kenton. Leave. If I see you again, I will slit your throat._ ”

 

She watched the man get up to his feet and nod before making his way towards the gate of TonDC. Her attention turned back to Clarke who was deep in conversation with the younger girl. One of her hands rested on the girl’s shoulder and Lexa felt jealously burn inside of her.

 

“ _You are sure_?” She heard Clarke ask.

 

The younger nodded and Clarke pulled her into a comforting hug, Athen trapped in the middle.

 

Abby appeared then, breaking their embrace, and Lexa once again felt thankful for her presence.

 

“Clarke, you should still be in bed.”

 

The younger girl nodded but trained her eyes on Lexa.

 

“Where are my people?” she said formally. Lexa stepped forward, this was the first time Clarke had sanely addressed her in a way that suggested she didn’t want to rip out her throat.

 

“In the field,” she answered.

 

“By themselves?”

 

Lexa nodded. Who else would they be with?

 

“Unprotected?” Clarke asked, something that sounded like accusation lacing the question.

 

She didn’t answer. Clarke turned towards her remaining guard.

 

“ _Fetch me my horse_.”

 

The guard nodded and was off again. Abby seemed to have understood Clarke’s intentions and stepped forward, grabbing onto her wrist.

 

“You’re not well enough to leave.” The younger girl shrugged off the hold and turned to face her mom.

 

“The duty to protect my people comes first.” Athen grabbed onto her leg again and Clarke picked him up, a small hiss escaping her teeth at the action.

 

“Clarke, you’re still sick.”

 

“This little boy’s mom is sick, I must tend to her.” She turned to face Lexa, her eyes shining dangerously. “They have not eaten in over a week, they barely sleep at night in fear that they will be attacked by creatures in the darkness. Tell me, why are they not camped in here? There is enough room.”

 

“The Ice Nation is not welcomed here, Clarke. They are dangerous.”

 

Clarke rolled her eyes and set the boy down, forcing a smile at him when he held onto her hand.

 

“Cut the crap, Lexa. These are women and children, they will die by themselves.”

 

“That’s not our responsibility.”

 

“It’s mine. You foolish if you think Moira cares about the wellbeing and safety of her people, but I do. They are my people, and they don’t mean you any harm.”

 

The guard came back then, flanked by a remarkable white horse. Lexa watched as Clarke impressively lifted herself onto the bare back of the horse, grabbing onto his mane for control. She indicated to the guard to lift the younger girl onto the horse in front of Clarke, followed by the little boy.

 

The girl leaned back into Clarke’s arm and Lexa tried not to let jealousy get the best of her.

 

“I will be back by nightfall,” Clarke promised towards her mom before kicking the horse into a small trot. Soon enough she was gone and Lexa was left standing there, Lincoln at her side and her heart drowning in feelings she really didn’t want to be feeling.

 

With the very little composure she had left, she made her way back to her tent and gave Lincoln a small nod before stepping inside and lying back down onto her bed.

 

Her eyes shut tightly, she forced herself to draw calming breaths though calm did not come to her. She couldn’t stop thinking about Clarke in the courtyard. Where had she learnt to fight like that? Lexa did not think it was anything short of a necessity for survival.

 

Clarke was an enigma that Lexa could not decipher, as hard as she tried, and her mind pounded heavily against her skull. Lexa wanted to scream, and fight, and rip out her heart so that she would no longer feel the dullness of heartache that had been present ever since she’d met Clarke. She knew she couldn’t. She closed her eyes tighter and exhaled, forcing a dreamless sleep to wash over her.

 

It was well into the night that she was awoken the sound of the gate opening. Clarke was back. She debated against going to see her though she knew she could not deny herself the comfort of knowing Clarke was well.

 

It was raining heavily and she slipped on a jacket and her hood before stepping outside. The camp was quiet; most people were sleeping or had at least retired for the night.

 

Few flames still burnt defiantly against the rain as Lexa made her way towards the entrance, Lincoln not far behind her though she suspected she would not need his protection.  She saw Clarke’s horse before she saw Clarke, white against the darkness of the night. Clarke was hooded, slouched against the horse, and from where she stood she could hear her harsh breathing. Lexa hastened her steps, fearful that Clarke would stop breathing at any moment. Clarke moved weakly and Lexa had barely reached her when she was forced to throw her arms out and catch her.

 

“I’ve got you,” she said softly when the other started softly crying in her arms. She signaled at Lincoln to take care of the girl’s horse, nodding back at him when he acknowledged it. Clarke blinked slowly at her through the rain and Lexa tightened her hold before beginning to walk towards the medical tent.

 

“Lexa…”

 

“Shh, princess,” she whispered, adjusting her hold on Clarke so that the girl could be more comfortable, “You’re almost home, just hang on.”

 

The tent was bright when she stepped into it and it took a second for her eyes to adjust to it. Abby sat in a chair; she obviously had fallen asleep waiting for Clarke to come back and Lexa gently nudged her awake with her foot.

 

She laid a now sleeping Clarke down onto the bed, removing the wet cloak and pulling up the blanket so that she would be warm.

 

“She’s an idiot,” she heard Abby say and Lexa gently shook her head, her hand pushing back a wet strand of Clarke's hair from her face. Her skin was so hot.

 

“She is headstrong, that is what makes her a great leader,” Lexa acknowledged. Blue eyes opened at her touch and Lexa offered her a small smile.

 

“Sleep Clarke of the sky, I will make arrangements for your people in the morning… but you must rest now.”

 

Clarke nodded to herself before drifting back into unconsciousness.

 

“She cares about her people,” Lexa stated easily, “they care about her too. It is what will help us win this war.”

 

Abby looked questioningly at her and Lexa pulled her hand back, nodding curtly at the chancellor before making her exit.

 

Laying in her bed moments later, Lexa thought of Clarke; how she had fallen from the sky, and destroyed mountains, and become ice. She thought of Clarke and her need for justice, the blood on her hands, and how she had set herself on fire and had been burning ever since the mountain. Most importantly, Lexa thought of how she wanted to capture Clarke’s lips into a kiss, douse the flame and inhale smoke until her lungs caved and her chest heaved. Everything Clarke was, she wanted to lose herself in and it terrified her, shook her like an earthquake, grabbed her by the throat and choked her until breathing became too much of a necessity. Lexa found herself short of breath when she finally succumbed to sleep.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, totally have not edited this. Just wanted to update something before the week began. I'm going to be super busy with work and school so please be patient with me. 
> 
> A song I couldn't stop listening to while writing this was 'carry you home' by james blunt, especially at the end there haha. 
> 
> Hope you guys liked it!
> 
> If you want to yell at me, my tumblr is half-a-truth.tumblr.com
> 
> Take care, 
> 
> \- L. L.


	5. when i stared into the abyss, it was you that stared back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't always put chapter notes at the beginning, but I feel it's important to warn you guys that something happens in this chapter that is most definitely not for the faint of hearts. Please proceed with caution, and try not to hate me too much at the end of it (know that I hate myself enough).
> 
> Let me know what you think!
> 
> -L.L.

It rained the remainder of the week, meaning they had to wait for a break in the weather to move the people in from the field. In that time, Clarke and Lexa fell into a comfortable routine. Clarke would rise around midday, her hair unruly and wet with sweat, and she would ride out to see her people and care for Athen’s mother. Lexa would tend to the business and needs of her people; resolving disputes and solving problems that would arise. She also sent food to the people living in the field.

 

If Clarke came back before nightfall she would stroll in on her horse with her head held high and exchange short pleasantries with the 100 before making her own way back to her tent, not to be seen again until morning.

 

However, if she came back past the death of daylight, Lexa would meet her halfway and Clarke would slump into her arms wordlessly. It was the only moment either of were allowed to show any emotions, any indication that they were well past the breaking point and were now suspended in the free fall of duties that they were much too young to be burdened with. Clarke would rest her head against Lexa’s shoulder, Lexa would press her lips to Clarke’s forehead, noting that it grew less hot as the days passed, and neither of them would say a word.

 

Finally, the rain stopped and Lexa made the announcement that the people in the field would be coming into TonDC within four sunrises, at which point she hoped the ground would be dry enough to pitch the tents.

 

The announcement was met with a few resistances, though she was quick to silence them with vows that the ice people would be under the same rules as the rest of the coalition while living within these walls, and that _any_ crime would be punishable by death.

 

It was right after the announcement that Clarke requested a trip to the Arc: the medical supplies were running low and she knew the second medical bay had not been scavenged on the initial recovery trip. Abby seconded the notion: as far as they knew, the medical bay had been left unharmed from the fire due to it’s positioning at the highest point of the ark. Getting there would be hard, especially considering the fragility of the Arc’s structure but Raven had a few harnesses that could get them up using a stable point: Lexa knew that would not be an easy feat.

 

Clarke reasoned that the end outweighed the means, something she could not disagree with and they departed right after lunch. Camp Jaha was only two hours away by horse ride and they expected to be back right after nightfall. There were originally five of them: Clarke, Lexa, Lincoln, Ryder, and Dom (Clarke’s guard). It was when they passed through the field that two more joined their party. Athen and his sister, Valentina, who Clarke could not deny the adventure. The road would be safe, the threat of the mountain a long forgotten whisper in the wind and Lexa saw no opposition to it.

 

Athen insisted on riding with Clarke, who was most happy to comply while Valentina rode on her own.

 

Lexa led the group through the forest, though it was hard to keep her eyes trained forward when Clarke’s melodic laugh often rang behind her. It was due in large parts to Athen, and Lexa was thankful for his presence. She could hear the little boy babbling animatedly, though could not for the life understand a thing he was saying. Despite the fact that she did not understand him, she found herself fighting back a smile.

 

About an hour in, Clarke pulled her horse beside her, a sleeping boy cradled in her arms and Lexa chewed on the inside of her cheek before daring to ask,

 

“How is your torso, Clarke?”

 

“Hurts,” Clarke answered, a small smile pulling at her lips. Lexa nodded and they spent a moment wrapped in the comfort of the silence.

 

“Athen likes your war paint,” she finally heard, “he says he wants to have paint like that too.”

 

Lexa looked at the angel like feature that graced the boy’s face in his sleep and allowed a smile to break her facial features.

 

“Does he? I will see what I can do. Though it is warriors paint, and warriors do not nap,” she joked.

 

In the corner of her eyes, she saw Clarke smiling widely and her heart raced.

 

“Octavia might have competition,” she spoke again when she noticed Valentina deep in conversation with Lincoln, though it wasn’t much of a conversation given how little Lincoln replied.  Clarke turned her head towards the two and grinned.

 

“I’m not sure if competition is the right word,” she teased, a small laugh crossing her lips. The vibration seemed to startle the boy in her arms and Lexa watched as Athen became aware of his surroundings. He grinned sleepily at Clarke and wiggled in her arms before saying something in Icelandic that Lexa was not familiar with.

 

Clarke answered no, and the boy closed his eyes again. Lexa shot her a questioning look.

 

“He asked if we were there yet,” Clarke said quietly before bringing her hand up to her mouth in a silent motion. They spent the rest of the trip like that, the only sounds heard being the rustling of leaves in the wind and Valentina attempting her best to make conversation with Lincoln.

 

Clarke sped ahead when they broke into the clearing of the camp, effectively rousing the boy in her arms and she heard their joined laughter floating through the air as she followed in their footstep.

 

The gate had not changed since the last recovery trip they’d made and the fence still stood proud, relentless against the harsh conditions of the clearing.  Clarke and Athen were already off Clarke's horse when she pulled in, flanked by the rest of the party and the boy stood small against the backdrop of the ark, caught in amazement at the sight. They tied their horses to a nearby post and they quickly got to work in creating a simple belay system that would get Clarke and Lexa to the top of the Ark. She found her eyes drifting to the two siblings who were exploring the campground. Athen was slowly making his way towards the fence and Lexa found his name loudly slipping past her lips, halting him in his track. She felt Clarke’s eyes on her as she made her way to the boy, picking up a stick on the way. Her instincts proved right when she tossed the stick onto the fence and as it sizzled and burnt to a crisp against it: the fence had not been turned off.

 

“ _Careful_ ,” she warned in Icelandic towards the little boy.

 

Athen looked at her then and grinned one of his trademark grins before beginning to pick things up and proceeding to throw them at the fence. She heard footsteps behind her and turned to be met with Valentina.  
  
“ _Thank you_ , _I will watch him_ ,” she said gently. Lexa nodded and walked back towards the group, ignoring the fond look Clarke was throwing her way and opting instead to equip herself in a harness.

 

The way up was a lot easier than Lexa had thought it would be, Clarke and her were both light so Lincoln and Ryder had no difficulty pulling them up. They had gone up the side of the Ark that had been less affected by the fire, though Lexa could still hear the creaking of the structure moving as she was hoisted up and though she would never admit it, she was terrified. This building was unlike any she had ever been in and she did not trust it to be strong enough to support her.

 

Once they had both reached the top, they unhooked themselves from the system and made their way through the ark, one of Raven’s light inventions showing the way. The medical bay wasn’t hard to find and Lexa used her sheer strength and her sword to pry open the sealed door and both girls were grateful when they found the medical equipment was still intact.

 

Soon enough, they had lowered the entirety of the medical supplies down and had followed as well, not wanting to stay up any longer than they had too. After all, the building was short of collapsing and Lexa really didn’t want her spirit to go anywhere today. 

 

They packed the horses but decided to eat an early meal before making their way back. It was while Valentina and Lincoln were preparing food they had brought that she noticed Clarke slip away towards the Ark and she felt compelled to follow her.

 

“I was surprised anything was still left standing from what Raven told me,” was the first thing Clarke said to her when the other girl noticed her presence, “though Raven does have a way of exaggerating things.”

 

Lexa said nothing in reply, looking around the room Clark had entered.

 

“Is this where you slept?”

 

Clarke nodded and pried opened a drawer that was covered black in ashes. The girl almost seemed relieved that the content of the drawer was still intact and Lexa watched as she pulled out a strange black book.

 

She stepped behind Clarke as the girl opened the book, looking over her shoulder in awe at the images that were in them.

 

“Did you draw these?”

 

Clarke nodded again and turned a page. Lexa felt air leave her lungs. It was a drawing of her, dawned in full commander outfit and Lexa had to owe it to Clarke that she looked intimidating.

 

“Is that how you see me?”

 

“No,” Clarke replied shaking her head, “it is how most people see you though.”

 

She turned a few pages until another image of Lexa filled their vision and she could feel Clarke smile. This image had her stripped from any armor, her face clear of any paint and a small smile on her lips.

 

“This is how I see you- how I saw you,” Clarke quickly corrected and Lexa wanted to wrap her arms around the girl and hold her tight until she could convince her to see her like that again.

 

“They are drawn from memory?” she chose instead to ask. Clarke nodded.

 

“They are very impressive,” she stated. Clarke closed the book before turning to face Lexa. 

 

“It's not hard to draw things when you can’t stop thinking about them.” Their eyes locked and Lexa felt the ground beneath her started to shake. At first, she believe it to be her knees buckling under the pressure of Clarke’s stare but then she saw Clarke look around confused and knew this was happening to both of them.

 

She was about to say the building was collapsing when they heard a distant growl echoing through the metallic walls of the Ark. Her eyes met Clarke’s again and she saw in them the very same fear that shook her from the inside.

 

Pauna.

 

She heard the growl of the giant gorilla echoing louder this time and both girls were quick to rush out of the Ark.

 

Lexa cut the horses free and she heard Clarke yelling to get the groups attention. It was frantic, and Lexa could not understand any of it but the tone got across clear enough: they needed to leave.

 

Clarke mounted her horse and pushed Dom and Valentina’s horses to them, Lexa doing the same with Ryder and Lincoln’s horses. The Pauna showed itself then, roaring loudly at the group, teeth on display. Lexa and Clarke pulled their horses to face it, their swords out and they stood defiantly against the monster. They needed to buy time for the rest of them to mount their horses and then they would be gone.

 

“Head for the forest!” she yelled loudly at the group. The sentence was barely out of her mouth when the gigantic thing pounced, jumping over both her and Clarke before running towards the group.

 

Clarke gasped out a no beside her and they both pulled their horses into a sprint, following the Pauna, though Lexa knew they would not reach it before it reached them.

 

It pounced again, narrowly missing Valentina and tackling her horse into the fence instead. It turned around, and raised its fist to strike her but Lincoln swept in then, pulling her onto his horse and charging toward the forest. Ryder stepped forward but was knocked to the side.

 

The Pauna looked confused and in search of its next target, Athen stood shaking some ways away and Clarke sped up. The creature turned to face the boy and Lexa flipped her sword in her hand like a spear and launched it violently. It penetrated its arm, distracting it momentarily but did not alter its course. Clarke dropped from her horse and raised her sword, ready to strike back but her efforts were not strong enough and Lexa watched as the creature threw her to the side.

 

She breathed out when Clarke rolled to a stop, just short of the electric fence only to feel panic grip her once more when her attention focused back on Athen. She saw Dom run towards the Pauna, weapon raised and Lexa’s eyes widened in horror as the creature grabbed him and ripped him in half right in front of the boy.

 

Clarke roused then, a large gash on her head and Lexa heard her scream as the creature swept the tiny boy into his hand and threw him violently against the electric fence right above Clarke’s head. She saw Clarke’s eyes widen at the ground beneath her as the sound of a high-pitched scream and a massive electric shock resonated loudly through the campground. The smell of burning human flesh hit her full force and she gathered it was worse for Clarke as the other girl emptied the very little content of her stomach onto the floor.

 

The loud sizzling of the fence stopped, the dead body of Athen dropped right in front of Clarke and from where she stood Lexa could see her trembling.

 

The Pauna roared then and Lexa pulled the dagger from her side and launched it at it’s head, effectively gaining its attention. Lexa started playing a game of chase with the Pauna, yelling out orders to Clarke who was paralyzed. 

 

“Clarke, get out of here!” she screamed but the girl did not move.

 

“Clarke, you must go!” 

 

Still nothing. Ryder appeared then on his horse, Clarke’s horse in tow. He said something to her that Lexa couldn’t hear and Lexa saw Clarke nod before getting up onto her horse, her eyes wide and face in shock. She saw Ryder pick up the body of the younger boy onto his horse and watched as they both rode out fast. She kicked her horse into a sprint, nearly taking a hit from the Pauna before exiting camp Jaha and breaking for the forest.

 

It was gaining on her, roaring loudly and Lexa swerved last minute into a nearby tree line. Her horse ran fast through the trees and soon enough she found the breathing of the creature fading more and more.

 

After riding for a while, she gathered she had lost it and drew her horse to a stop, her heart pounding heavily in her ears. Images flashed before her and she leaned over, retching violently. She allowed herself a moment to compose herself before pulling her horse back into a jog.

 

One thing was clear; she needed to find Clarke.

 

 


	6. feels like a ship, God knows i'm sinking

There was something oddly calming about walking through camp when everyone in it was still sleeping. Lexa found it was the only time she could breathe properly, unburdened by everything else. The cool morning breeze would wash over her, almost lifting her off her feet and Lexa thought she might like to let it carry her away. Still, every morning her feet did not budge and she did not drift off: she was chained down by commitment and the weight of caring for too many people at once.

 

Her walk was a relatively new, and probably temporary, concept. She still vividly remembers the first morning it happened, right after the night of the attack; her stomach still churned uncomfortably thinking about it.

 

Clarke had been a void of nothing when she’d finally found the group of them in that forest, all quiet and emotionless and not tending to injuries they should probably have been tending too. Lexa had had to push all her emotions aside, the need to get back before dark outweighing any time that should have been allotted for mourning.

 

And even though nobody had spoken a word, the trek back was still screaming loudly in her mind.

 

They’d been welcomed back to the Ice Camp with a cheerful mood, though that had been quick to drop when they saw the small wrapped up body in Ryder’s arms. Lexa had watched as Clarke had entered the tent of what she could only assume was Athen’s mother, only to reappear moments later, tears thick and evident on her face.

 

Lexa didn’t dare say anything.

 

TonDC, much to her surprise, had been the same. Their mood had dropped instantly, people rushing to take care Ryder, and Lincoln, and _Heda_ , though Lexa did not know how they could stop injuries she was not bleeding from. Clarke hadn’t stopped her horse until she’d reach the medical tent and Lexa had been quick to excuse herself from the people tending to her.

 

Abby had intercepted her on the way over, asking what had happened. She had whispered out a small promise of later (even though she did not trust herself to explain it without breaking her composure) and had entered Clarke’s tent.

 

Clarke had been beside herself, pacing the room, sucking for air that didn’t seem there at all, and Lexa had wanted to take everything away. She couldn’t. So she had stop Clarke in her track, brought a hand up to the gash right above the girl’s eyebrow that had been dried up by dirt and sweat, and had gently rubbed away at it. Lexa had had to ignore how close they were and how so very blue Clarke’s eyes were, pain evident in them. She had gently pushed Clarke back until the girl was sitting down on her bed before grabbing a medical gauge and soaking it with water from the pouch she carried at her side.

 

Though she had willed them not too, her hands had trembled as she had wiped away the blood and dirt from Clarke’s wound. They said nothing. When Lexa went to leave, Clarke had grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her back to face her. The girl’s mouth opened and closed, but her voice failed her.

 

She had watched Clarke struggle to speak, though her eyes were begging Lexa to stay.

 

Lexa had nodded before promising, “I’ll be back later.”

 

And she did come back, when the camp was asleep and the darkness of the night hid emotions only seen in daylight. Lexa had wordlessly stripped herself of her armor and crawled into Clarke’s bed. Her arms had wrapped around the shaking girl, coaxing her to shake harder and Lexa had swallowed hard when the sound of sobs had crossed Clarke’s lips.

 

She had remained silent, knowing there was nothing she could say that could make better what had been wronged. They’d stayed like that for what seemed like a lifetime to Lexa before Clarke began to calm down, exhaustion taking over.

 

“Guess you were right,” Clarke had finally rasped out, her voice hoarse from crying and the lack of talking, “Love is weakness.”

 

Lexa had waited until Clarke fell asleep to let her own tears trail down her face.

 

In the morning, she had risen and left behind a sleeping Clarke. She did not need her people seeing her exiting the tent of the sky princess, it was too risky and she didn’t need anything getting spread around camp: to couple with the commander was a great honor, and her and Clarke had done anything _but_ couple. In the comfort of her own tent, she would change and wash herself before laying down for a couple hours of shuteye.

 

This had been the pattern for the last few days. Today was no different, though she felt heavier than she usually did when she left Clarke’s tent. Today they were burning Athen. She had been reluctant to leave Clarke, unsure of how the girl would deal with the emotions Lexa knew she’d been hiding but time was of the essence and there was a lot that needed to be done.

 

As she made her way through camp, Lexa observed her surroundings: The guards on watch were being replaced by the next rotation, exhaustion evident in their movement (though that did not stop them from exchanging small pleasantries with the incoming guards). The Ice people’s sector was undisturbed, though a few of them were quietly setting up for the passing ceremony, a small fire cracking from the distance. A few of her warriors were leaving through to go log hunting, sharp hatchets in their hands and a couple of long metal crates dragging behind them. As she passed his hut, Lincoln stepped out and Lexa nodded at him before continuing on into her own quarters.

 

Once inside, she stripped herself of her less formal attired in order to change into the darker red drapes reserved only for passing ceremonies. She grabbed her sword, one she had acquired upon her return, and sheathed it at her side.

 

Lexa hated passing ceremonies. The first one she ever attended had been her father’s and maybe it was because it had been personal, but she found she had never been able to fully get the taste of ashes off her lips. Every ceremony after that just felt like a reminder; a reminder that life was temporary and its end was nothing but bitter and dry. And sometimes, such as the ceremony today, it was reminder that life was too short and forgiving yourself for it took too long.

 

Once she trusted herself enough to keep her calm façade, she headed out into the yard, where the warriors that had gone out to chop wood were not coming back in, logs dragging quietly in the grass behind them. The Commander side of her took over and she stood tall as she observed them, barking orders when it was necessary. 

 

She watched as her people hauled logs after logs of wood into what resembled a temple, a temple that was usually reserved for warriors, but Lexa could not let Athen pass without his last wish becoming a reality.

 

Lincoln approached her then, looking around at the now gathering crowd.

 

“ _Clarke is still not ready, Heda,”_ he whispered, leaning in for privacy. Lexa nodded and left him in charge before making quick stride back to the tent she’d slept in only hours before.

 

Clarke was fiddling with the clip of strap of her armor when Lexa walked in, seemingly unable to tie it.

 

“Clarke,” she said softly, startling the other girl from the trance she had been in. Clarke brought her hands up to her eyes and furiously wiped away the tears that were there; Lexa now knew why Clarke couldn’t tie a simple knot. She let out a sigh and took a few calculated steps forward to brush Clarke’s hand away and cup her face. Lexa wiped under Clarke’s eyes with her thumb, a few scars the only remnant of the injuries she had endured. Once Clarke’s eyes were dry, she brought her hands down and grabbed the two ends of Clarke’s armor that hadn’t been tied.

 

“You cannot blame yourself, Clarke, this was entirely out of your control.” Clarke’s jaw visibly clenched and Lexa tightened the strap of Clark’s cape, her eyes meeting Clarke’s determinedly before softly adding, “The Pauna killed Athen, not you.”

 

The movement was sudden: Clarke’s hand had been at her side one second and wrapped tightly around Lexa’s face the next, the blonde’s breathing coming out through clenched teeth. Lexa had to fight every instinct in her screaming to fight back, knock her hand down and push her away. She could feel Clarke’s pulse through her grip, welcomed the bittersweet way it made her heart race and for a second she ignored how wildly dangerous Clarke’s eyes were. Clarke swallowed and her grip loosened, though it still kept the commander in place.

 

“Stop. Lying. To. Me.” Every word was punctuated with a small thrust of Lexa’s head back and forth and again she felt herself fighting the need to defend herself: Clarke meant her no harm. Clarke was not going to hurt her. That didn’t stop her from verbally defending her previous words.

 

“I’m not lyi-”

 

The rest of her sentence caught into Clarke’s mouth and she suddenly forgot how she was supposed to speak at all. Clarke was kissing her. Surely she had to be dreaming, or anything resembling a state where her reality had been altered. Still, she felt Clarke’s lips on her, her hand still squeezing her face and Lexa feared that if Clarke let go, her knees wouldn’t be able to support her weight. The kiss wasn’t soft, by any means. It was demanding, punishing, evasive of any normal conversation they could have had regarding Clarke’s feelings but, for the moment, Lexa found she couldn’t care less.

 

It didn’t last though. She felt a sharp pain on her bottom lip where the other girl bit down and soon enough she felt the vacant spot where Clarke had been just moments before. The blonde dropped her like she was made of fire, her hand pressed down against Lexa’s chest and she forcefully pushed her into a backwards stumble.

 

Lexa caught her self, though she made little to no effort in stepping back towards the other girl who now had her back to her. She heard the last click of Clarke’s uniform and she swallowed as the girl turned around, her eyes looking anywhere but where Lexa stood. Clarke inhaled, held it and then exhaled before walking past Lexa and out the door without a word.

 

 

 

             The ceremony began without delay. All of camp, save for the guards on duty, was in attendance; downed in the same type of clothing Lexa was wearing now.

 

Clarke was standing on the pyre. Her entire body was trembling, but she stood strong, and Lexa did not doubt that everybody around her felt the earthquake of leadership that she emitted.

 

She was quiet and still, her eyes trained forward on the little body bag laying on top of the wood before her. In an instance, Clarke’s voice echoed in the clearing, Icelandic spilling over her lips easily. She spoke of Athen, and his battle, and his life. And by the end of it, Lexa felt she knew him better than she knew herself. Clarke’s eyes drifted to Athen’s sister and a woman of equally dark skin, whom Lexa assumed to be his mother, standing in the front and she watched as the girl swallowed tightly.

 

Clarke unsheathed a knife resting at her hip and Lexa had to bring a hand up to stop Abby as she stepped forward. She had forgotten how very little the sky people knew about the Iceling’s customs. Then again, it was years ago that she had attended an Iceling’s passing ceremony and years ago that they had been on good enough terms to.

 

“It helps the passage of the soul into a better place,” she said under her breath. She kept her hand on Abby, knowing that Clarke’s next action would not sit well with the chancellor. She was right: Abby tensed under her touch as Clarke brought the knife up to her hand and sliced it open. She tightened her hand into a fist and brought it over Athen’s body, opening it so that crimson flowed easily. It was sacred and a symbol that marked the bond between the Queen and her people. Clarke was not the Queen, but she was the Queen’s soul chosen, an honor that held the same respect. Blood dripped from her hand in a steady rhythm for what seemed like forever before Clarke hoped down from the top of the wood and grabbed the burning stick from Ryder with her bleeding hand.

 

The sky princess made her way to Valentina and the older woman, ducking her head down in shame when she reached them. Her entire body was shaking and Lexa found herself praying to every spirit out there that Clarke would not break apart in the middle of the ceremony. Athen’s mother reached out and tilted Clarke’s head up by her chin, smiling sadly once Clarke met her eyes. This caused Clarke to pull her shoulders back and nod to herself before handing the burning wood to the woman before her. As soon as it was out of her hand, Clarke swallowed and dropped down to one knee, her head bowed in a respect.

 

Lexa’s eyes widened as a few gasps echoed around the fire. Clarke could not be doing what Lexa thought she was doing.

 

“What’s happening?” Abby asked beside her and Lexa swallowed.

 

“Clarke is swearing herself to them,” she whispered out in disbelief.

 

“ _My life is yours,”_ Clarke said softly.

 

“ _Get up Clarke_ ,” the older woman said. Clarke didn’t move, choosing instead to shake her head and muttering out a quick no.

 

“ _I am indebted to you, his death lays on me and me alone.”_

 

“ _Clarke, there is nothing we could ask of y-”_

 

“ _Kill the Pauna_ ,”a soft voice cut through. And Clarke snapped her head up to look at Valentina. Their eyes met and for a minute they stood there, not breaking the hold they had on each other.

 

“ _I want you to kill the Pauna_ ,” the girl repeated again, stronger this time. The Ice Nation around them became restless, mumbling between each other. There seemed to be an immeasurable stretch of time between the demand and Clarke’s answer, during which Lexa choked on her heart all over again.

 

Soon enough, Clarke rose from the ground and nodded.

 

“ _You don’t have to do this, Clarke,”_ Athen’s mother said. Clarke ignored her.

 

This was so stupid, this was so incredibly stupid… but it was brave, and the general murmurs of the people around the pyre were in awe; Clarke had gained their respect. The girl extended her still-bleeding hand out facing up and Lexa watched as Valentina’s shaking hand covered it.

 

“What happened now,” she heard Abby question, though she could not find the words to explain what had just happened, and she sure as hell didn’t trust herself not to puke if she opened her mouth. So she shook her head, and thankfully Abby seemed to get the memo because she didn’t push for an answer. Clarke pulled her hand back and let Athen’s mom step forward to light the Pyre.

 

“ _Let the light be your guide_ ," she swore softly, echoed by the many voices of the Ice Nation. The flames caught fast, devouring everything in their sight, emitting heat that brought comforting warmth.

 

Her heart clenched as she thought of Athen, and how just days before he had been a source of warmth in the lives of the people around him.

 

Lexa pulled her sword from her side, the noise causing everyone around her to turn and face her. A strong as she could, she raised it towards the sky, her voice raspy as she exclaimed, “ _Yu gonplei ste odon_.”

 

One by one her warriors took turn unsheathing their swords and repeating the same phrase. Through the commotion, her eyes met Clarke’s empty ones and she found herself answering a question that hadn’t been asked.

 

Clarke would not fight the Pauna alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. Two weeks?! Who sucks? Me, I do. 
> 
> This is more of a filler, I hated writing it because it was so slow. But next chapter's gonna get crazy, cause we're getting another visit from our fury friend. 
> 
> What do you guys think? Can they handle it? I'm not sure!
> 
> Next chapter might be the only one for 6 weeks as I will be leaving to Peru. I will come back mid-june, and hope to write while I'm away so that I can just bombard you with multiple updates by then!
> 
> Cheers, L.L.


	7. Stars, hide your fires; let not light see my black & deep desires.

           There was a brief moment of panic when Lexa awoke and Clarke was not in bed with her. At first, she feared she had slept in, though the darkness outside was quick to quell her nerves; it was still a couple hours shy of daylight. It was then, however, that she let the absence of Clarke consume her. She remembered the warmth of the other girl when she had crawled into Clarke’s bed at sundown, knew that her presence was not a figment of her imagination, and so Clarke’s whereabouts left her stumped for an answer.

 

Her hand snaked out to Clarke’s side of the bed, reveling in the heat that was still there. The blonde couldn’t be far then, if the bed was still warm. Lexa sat up and rubbed her eyes tiredly, hoping Clarke would come back at any moment.

 

Then, from outside, she heard the neighing of a horse. _Clarke_. Lexa threw her feet over the side of the bed and hopped down to the floor, her bare feet hitting the cold ground with a soft thud.

 

The air outside of the tent was much colder than the bed had she had been in just moments before and for a second Lexa wondered why she even made the effort: Clarke was nowhere to be seen. The commander wrapped her arms around herself, shivering as her eyes scanned the campground. She heard the neighing of a horse and whipped her head towards the noise, a sigh escaping her when she saw the other girl.

 

“Clarke,” she called softly after her, her feet breaking into a light jog so that she could cross the small distance between them. The other girl halted her horse and turned to face Lexa, looking at her like she was confused Lexa was even awake. The moonlight shined brightly in Clarke’s eyes, her white horse at her side, and _God_ Lexa felt her heart jump in her chest.

 

“Where are you going?” she breathed out once she within Clarke’s space. The blonde let out a quiet humorless laugh, tightening the hold on the reigns of her horse and swallowing.

 

“Where do you think?” she said before turning around and pulling her horse back into a walk. Lexa jogged up again, stepping in front of Clarke to stop her.

 

“Don’t be foolish, Clarke.”

 

“I owe it to them, Lexa, now step aside.” It wasn’t loud, but the commanding tone behind it made Lexa’s stomach churn uncomfortably. She bit down on her lip and took a step closer to Clarke.

  
“This is not what Athen would have wanted you to do, blindly go and get yourself killed,” she whispered honestly.

 

Clarke froze and shut her eyes only to open them sharply when Lexa reached out and grabbed her hand.

 

“You don’t understand, I _have_ to do this,” she wavered out, and Lexa gently shushed her.

 

“Come back to bed. I will hold a meeting later today and… and we’ll find a way, okay?”

 

The blonde’s eyes closed again and for a second Lexa doubt her words had any effect on the other girl. She was surprised when Clarke nodded and opened her eyes again, pulling her hand out of Lexa’s grasp. Clarke pulled the horse and turned it around to make her way back to where the horses were kept, leaving a thankful Lexa behind.

 

When Lexa woke up again, an hour later, the blonde at her side, she couldn’t help but realize that everything she currently held in her arms was temporary.

 

 

                  It was well into the afternoon when Lexa finally called for a meeting. She had spent so much time trying to think of a rational way to kill the Pauna, only to realize one clear and crazy fact.

 

“We cannot do this reasonably,” she rushed out when Clarke walked into the tent, tiredness evident in her face.

 

“What do you mean?” Clarke’s face wore nothing but confusion,

 

“We cannot go about this with reason, Clarke,” she repeated, slower this time.

 

“Lexa... you’re backing out?” Clarke’s voice echoed in her tent, disbelief laced in every word. Well shit, maybe Lexa wasn’t as good at explaining herself as she thought. The blonde opened her mouth to speak and Lexa’s eyes widened at the words. “I can’t believe you’re doing this… again.”

 

This was all wrong, Clarke had this all wrong. She was about to clarify when Raven walked into the room, supporting her leg on a staff she was certain one of her people had made for her.

 

“Um... you called for me?” the mechanic questioned, looking rather confused to have been called for in the first place.

 

“Yes, please…  would you like to sit down?” Lexa asked, motioning to one of the chairs around the table. Raven hadn’t missed the quick flash of Lexa’s eyes to her knee and she bit her tongue to avoid snapping at her.

 

“I think I’ll stand, thank you.”

 

“Why is Raven here?” Clarke caused both girls to turn toward her and Lexa stepped toward her, her hand brushing against the table as she spoke.

 

“Clarke… we have to approach this completely forgoing anything else we know, we have to approach this absolutely illogically.”

 

Understanding flashed across Raven’s eyes and Lexa turned her head briefly to nod at her.

 

“I’m still confused.”

 

“Clarke, what I’m trying to say is…” she began hesitantly before being interrupted by none other than Raven herself.

 

“We’re going to make it go boom.”

 

“What?” The girl looked between Raven and Lexa a couple of times, still somewhat confused. “That’s absur- oh.” Lexa pressed her lips together tightly, at least Clarke had the decency to look guilty at thinking Lexa was abandoning her again. The blonde’s mouth opened and closed a few times.

 

“Today would be good, princess,” Raven finally said exasperatedly, earning a glare from both of the leaders. Her hand shot up in defense and a sheepish look crossed her face. Clarke faced Lexa again, leaning against the table.

 

“Let me get this clear… your plan is to blow up the Pauna? A moving target? That _is_ absurd.”

 

“Not the Pauna, Clarke… at least not directly.”

 

Both girls were looking intently at her now and Lexa angled her body toward the table, forcing herself to focus on the map strewn across it.

 

“We know the Pauna-”

 

“Wait we’re talking about the huge gorilla thing right?” Raven interrupted and Lexa glanced up, her jaw tightening.

  
“Right…” the mechanic said, “my bad.”

 

“So,” Lexa began again, “we know it lives near Camp Jaha, which means it has moved location from its previous spots.” Her hand trailed the maps and she felt Clarke step around to stand close behind her.

 

“We know Camp Jaha is not stable,” she continued. _We know I’m not stable_ , she thought afterwards, Clarke’s closeness distracting her. Lexa drew in a breath and looked up sideways to face Clarke. “There are two entrance to the Ark… one here and one here, that one caused by the fire.”

 

She looked back down to the map as she spoke, her hand showing the points of interest she was speaking about.

 

“My plan… is to place explosives at both entrance and halfway between both. We lure the Pauna in through one entrance… and set off the explosives in sequence, bringing the entire thing down onto it. The Pauna is strong… but it will not survive three explosions and an entire structure like the Ark falling onto it. That is my plan,” she finished, pushing herself back to get some distance between her and the other girl.

 

It was silent for a few minutes and Lexa studied Clarke’s face for any signs of approval.

  
“Alright, color me impressed commander. That is a kickass plan.”

 

Both Clarke and Lexa turned to face Raven and the girl was smirking.

 

“I’m guessing you’re going to need some explosives?”

 

“Clarke…?” Lexa questioned. The other girl nodded to herself before swallowing.

 

“Alright… lets do this.”

 

Lexa exhaled and kept her eyes locked onto Clarke’s as Raven spoke again.

 

“Perfect. I’ve got just the thing. Lets get it going.”

  

 

            It took a few days for the plan to go into effect. Lexa first had to make sure the Pauna had not changed location, something the scouts had been quick to confirm. Raven had needed a couple of days to replicate the formula, using equipment that had been taken from the mountain, and Clarke… well Clarke needed to emotionally prepare herself to go back to a place where the last light had been taken from her.  


Despite protests from Indra, Lexa soon found herself leading a party of five through the camp gates, Clarke at her side. As much as Indra wanted to come, Lexa knew she had to leave the camp in good hands in case things started going south. The emotions in camp had been tense, Lexa had been quick to soothe their nerves, stating that they would be back and they _would_ be victorious.

 

The group of them (Clarke, Lincoln, Octavia, Ryder, and Lexa), were forced to leave their horses halfway out from their destination: they would have to make with the old ways of the trikru and continue their travels through the trees as it was safer than travelling by ground.

 

The whole way there, Lexa tried thinking of ways to convince Clarke not to be the one who went into the Ark and set up the explosive. She knew it would be futile. Clarke _wanted_ to do this. Clarke had more knowledge of the Ark than the rest of them, save maybe for Octavia. But Octavia had shown no interest in being live bait for a carnivorous gorilla, and Lexa really couldn’t blame her. Her heart tightened every time she thought of Clarke not making it out alive. All her reasons for Clarke to live were selfish, but they were reasons that made it particularly hard for Lexa to breathe and so Lexa felt they were very much valid.

 

Not to mention the impending war that she would be sure to endure if the ice queen came back to find her promised has been butchered by a gorilla.

 

Still, when they arrive at the edge of the clearing, she saw a resolution in Clarke’s eyes she knew she wouldn’t be able to break. The group climbed down from the tree and prepared themselves for what would be the most grueling wait of their lives.

 

“Be careful,” Lexa found herself saying to Clarke as she prepared to leave. _Come back to me_.

 

Clarke nodded, tightening the strap on her backpack before walking out into the clearing and heading towards Camp Jaha.

 

Lexa and the group climbed back up the tree, and Lexa pulled out her binoculars, training them on Clarke’s every move. The rest of the party also pulled out binoculars except they kept watch on the surrounding around the clearing, watchful for the Pauna and any other potential dangers that could make itself known. 

 

When Clarke reached the entrance of the Ark, she turned around to face the tree line and Lexa watch as her shoulder sagged down before she disappeared into the metallic structure.

 

The plan was such that once Clarke had set up the explosives, she would step back outside, set off a flare and wait for the Pauna to come. Once she had gained its attention she would pull it into the ark, pass the first explosive that Clarke would then set off. Clarke would keep running, of course, until she made it out the opposite exit. A run that wouldn’t take more than 30 seconds, setting off the remaining two explosives as she passed them. Once outside, well… she would be safe.

 

Except plans don’t hold very long in battle.

 

It had only been all but ten minutes when Octavia brought something up to their attention.

 

“Is Clarke supposed to be on the second floor at all?” 

 

Lexa looked away and turned to face the girl.

 

“What? No,” she answered, taken back by the question.

 

“I’m pretty sure she’s on the second floor, commander.”

 

“No, she’s still on the first,” Lexa said looking back through her binocular, confirming from a few cracks in the wall that the other girl was in fact still on the first.

 

“Well something’s on the second floor then.”

 

It was as though the temperature dropped and panic took hold of every single one of Lexa’s muscles. Slowly she trailed the binoculars up and scanned from one end to the other for movement. She didn’t catch it at first, but when she did a second sweep, she noticed the undeniable rise and fall of something big breathing.

 

The Pauna was already inside the Ark.

 

“ _Fuck_ ,” she swore, her heart racing increasingly as she realized the one factor they had not accounted for.

 

“Stay put,” she yelled at the group as she slid down the tree, ignoring the burning of the bark against her hands.

 

Lexa never ran quicker in her life, the need to get to Clarke overriding the ache that accompanied the lack of and demand for oxygen in her chest. She reasoned that heartache hurt more, and she was not about to lose someone she cared so deeply about again.

 

She slowed down when she approached the campgrounds, afraid that any startling movement would get the Pauna’s attention, and right now she relied largely on the element of surprise.

 

To say Clarke was surprised to see her was an understatement. The blonde had been finishing up the last explosive and almost dropped the remote when Lexa stepped into the Ark. Clarke opened her mouth, probably to nag her, but Lexa quickly closed the space between them and put her hand over Clarke’s mouth.

 

“We need to g-” she whispered only to be interrupted by the very loud sound of a large creature moving on the metal above them. Clarke’s eyes widened in understanding and she nodded in Lexa’s hand. The taller girl removed her hand from Clarke’s face and grabbed the blonde’s shaking one, pulling her towards the exit.

They were only a few steps away from the door when the Pauna crashed down through the ceiling in front of them, roaring loudly in their faces. Clarke pulled Lexa back in the nick of time as the Pauna swiped forward, hitting nothing but air.

 

It roared loudly again and Lexa took out her sword, pushing Clarke back towards the other end of the Ark.

 

“Clarke…” she said as calmly as she could, the creature watching them intently. It stepped forward and roared. Lexa pushed Clarke back harder.

 

“The remote,” she gritted through her teeth, squeezing Clarke’s hand. “Press the button.”  
  
The blonde did, and the first explosive went off. The first explosive. On the other side of the Ark. Their only exit.

 

Lexa closed her eyes and breathed out, this could not be happening right now. She opened her eyes when the Pauna roared louder, just in time to see it jumping towards them. Clarke pressed another button and there was a loud explosion beside them, the force was strong enough to push the Pauna off of their trajectory and it landed loudly against the wall, causing the entire Ark to shake. The metal structure creaked and Lexa felt Clarke pull her out of the way again as a piece of debris shattered where she had just stood.

 

“Run!” she yelled. The structure was falling apart around them and Lexa pushed Clarke into a sprint. She didn’t know what they’d find at the other end of the hallway, but she hoped to Gods it was some sort of exit. There was another loud roar and Lexa turned her head back, nearly tripping on her feet when she realized the Pauna was back and up and running behind them. She pushed past Clarke, grabbing her hand as she did so and pulled her into a faster sprint.

 

The end of the hallway was near, and there was no exit in sight. The first explosion had shattered that side of the ark completely and a pile of debris blocked any path to the outside.

 

They reached the end and Lexa pushed Clarke to the side, turning to face the Pauna with her sword raised.

 

“Remember Clarke, death is not the end.”

 

Clarke was about to reply when the Pauna caught up with them. Lexa ducked as it swung at her.

 

“Press the last one Clarke,” she yelled through the loud growling of the creature.

 

“You’re too close!”

 

“Clarke just do it!” she ordered as the Pauna stepped toward her.

 

There was a loud bang and Lexa felt her feet leave the ground as she was projected against the Ark wall. She gasped out painfully as she hit the floor, disoriented immediately. Her ears were ringing and she could taste metal in her mouth. She felt Clarke’s hands on her shoulders, dragging her back up to a standing position.

 

The Ark was crumbling and soon they were in the dark, metal crashing around them. That’s when she saw the cracks in the wall. Of course. The fire had weakened the wall and now the explosion had made it a possible exit.

 

“Step back,” she slurred, noting that the Pauna was rousing from the semi state of unconsciousness it had been in. With the last bit of force she had, Lexa brought her foot down against the wall over and over until she felt it cracking beneath her heel, her leg screaming painfully at her to stop. There was no doubt that she was breaking it. She repeated the action until a hole broke through and she used her hands to pull the wall apart, gritting her teeth as pain shot through her entire body. The Pauna was up again, and Lexa could now see it limp towards them.

 

“Clarke go,” she breathed out.

 

“What? I’m not leaving you here,” Clarke said, the room around them was trembling.

 

“You don’t have a choice,” she gritted out, grabbing the blonde and shoving her through the wall. The Pauna jumped then, and Lexa barely had time to pick her sword back up before she was knocked into the debris and then on the floor, the beast on top of her.

 

She thrust her sword up and felt it sink through flesh before a piece of debris hit her on the head.

 

And then it was dark.

  

 

            When she came to, it was still dark and she questioned whether or not she was really awake at all. Everything had stopped moving. Her entire body was throbbing in pain, she couldn’t feel any of her limbs and there was so much pressure on her. The Pauna was still on top of her. Lexa froze, though the Pauna was not moving, nor was it breathing. Her shirt was thick and wet and she feared for a moment that it was her own. It was then that her hand tingled, letting her know that it was still attached to her arm and she felt the hilt of her sword wrapped tightly in it. She tried to move it but it was lodge in something heavy and her efforts were useless.

 

Lexa dropped her hand from the sword and blinked a few times, trying to get a sense of her surrounding. It didn’t make sense, in all accounts she should have been dead. She should have been dead while Clarke still lived. Lexa had consciously made that decision. But she wasn’t dead, hell she was pretty close though. She realized that the Pauna’s body had sheltered her from the entirety of the Ark falling onto her and, if it hadn’t been painful to breathe, Lexa probably would have laughed at her luck.

 

She wasn’t dead, but she was stuck, and if she stayed here she would die.

 

 _But Clarke was alive_.

 

Lexa shifted, groaning at the pain it brought and the Pauna’s head dropped beside hers. The beast stunk horribly and Lexa turned her head to face away from it. Her eyes adjusted to the darkness and she saw a small spot of light a couple of steps from her. She tried to speak, but found that no words came out. There was no way that she could reach it on her own, especially trapped the way she was currently trapped.

 

 _The sword, use the sword_.

 

She coughed, her head spinning and she brought her hand up to search for the sword she had had in her hand moments before. Her palm made contact and she grasped it tightly, gasping as a bout of pain shot through her chest. Pushing past it, Lexa began pulling her sword out of what she could only assume was the side of the Pauna’s neck. More blood spilt from the wound, dripping all over her face and Lexa cringed. Finally, the sword gave out and she felt it go free. Lexa laughed painfully, though no sound came out.

 

There wasn’t enough room to turn it around so, as carefully as she could, Lexa grabbed it by the blade and guided it towards the light. Her hand was shaking and she found it hard to get it right where she needed it to go. The blade was digging into her skin, just shy of breaking flesh and Lexa gritted her teeth. Finally the hilt lodge itself into the hole, causing a small noise to echo through and she pulled it back to repeat the movement over and over.

 

It seemed to take forever for any response from the outside, and Lexa began to doubt they had even stayed to look for her: her heart almost stopped beating at the thought. She pulled the sword back and brought it forward one last time, the thud fading slowly, and Lexa closed her eyes.

 

She tried to pull the sword back, but was met with resistance. That’s when she heard the muffled sound of voices.

 

Her hand dropped from the sword and it held itself suspended for a second before clattering loudly onto the floor.

 

“Lexa?”  It was Octavia’s voice. She tried to speak again, only to feel bile rise up and she vomited, choking slightly on it. The light flickered, as though someone was trying to look in and she heard Lincoln groan as he removed a piece of debris to enlarge the hole.

Light seeped in and she was suddenly blinded.

 

“It’s her,” she heard Octavia say to Lincoln.

 

“ _Lexa can you hear me_?” Lincoln asked. Lexa nodded slowly, bringing her hand up to her mouth to wipe the trail of vomit and blood from her mouth.

 

“Clarke!” Octavia yelled out, “she’s over here. She’s… she’s alive.”

 

That was all the confirmation she needed, Clarke was alive and Lexa couldn’t help but burst into tears.

 

“Hey hey, it’s okay,” Octavia tried reassuring her, “we’re going to get you out.”

 

The two of them began removing more debris and Lexa exhaled shakily through her tear: She might get to live after all.

 

Clarke appeared then, out of breath and shocked to see the commander. Lexa locked eyes with hers and Clarke frantically began pulling debris away to clear a passage. Ryder joined them then, his hand also fighting to pull Lexa out of there.

 

It must have taken them over two hours (in silence) to clear the debris from on top of and around Lexa and the Pauna. They were only four after all, and a lot of the structure had toppled onto the girl. When they’d cleared the debris, Octavia, Lincoln, and Ryder combined their efforts to role the Pauna off of Lexa, while Clarke immediately tended to her injuries.

 

Lexa could see that Clarke was alarmed at how much blood was covering her body, her clothes were nearly soaked and her face was barely recognizable, but it _wasn’t_ hers.

 

“S’not mine,” Lexa slurred out, her voice broken and barely above a whisper. Clarke’s face softened at those words and she crouched down beside Lexa, pushing wait hair out of her face.

 

“Hey,” the blonde whispered out, cupping Lexa’s face gently, looking into her eyes. As the blood flowed better through her body, Lexa was regaining senses of her limbs and she became painfully aware of her leg. She groaned and gritted her teeth.

 

“What hurts?” Clarke asked softly.

 

“Leg,” she stuttered out in one breath. Clarke looked at her, her face nothing but a canvas of regret and Lexa reached out to grab Clarke’s hand. This was not Clarke’s fault, and she really needed Clarke to know that.

 

The blonde swallowed, averting her eyes altogether and beginning to build a makeshift splint by tying Lexa’s leg to her other leg. Once she was done, she checked Lexa’s body for remaining injuries, though those she found could wait and signaled for Lincoln to come over.

 

It was clear that Lexa wouldn’t be able to walk back to where they’d left their horses so Lincoln lifted her up into his arm. The movement was abrupt and Lexa let out a small scream from the pain.

 

“ _Sorry, Heda_ ,” Lincoln said sheepishly, earning a glare from the commander.

 

The trek back to the horses took less time than on the way there, facilitated by the fact that they no longer had to crawl from tree to tree. Lexa was grateful; the pain was becoming unbearable and hiding it became near impossible. It didn’t help that Clarke was avoiding looking at her all together, and Lexa feared the progress they made had been crumbled in the explosion.

 

So she was surprised when Clarke insisted on having Lexa ride with her.

 

“Kjarkur will be more comfortable for riding, she is swift and makes very little movement,” she told Lexa, talking about her horse. The commander had nodded, though she wasn’t sure if she could spend an hour lying in Clarke’s arms without passing out.

 

Still, when Lincoln transferred her into Clarke’s arms and the blonde wrapped her arms around Lexa’s torso, she couldn’t help but feel this was exactly where she needed to be. Lexa rested her head against Clarke’s chest, and she could feel the small rise and fall of the girl’s breathing. Lexa closed her eyes. The last thing she heard was Clarke’s voice, commanding her horse to move.

 

“ _Be fast_.”

 

 

            The next time she opened her eyes, she was inside the medical tent. She felt like crap, but she knew she would live. Clarke and Abby stood some ways off; too engrossed in a very heated conversation to notice that Lexa had woken up and so the commander coughed slightly to gain their attention.

 

The two women turned to face Lexa, but Abby was the first to approach the girl.

 

“How are you feeling?” she asked.

 

“Fine.” Lexa kept her eyes on Clarke, who was looking intently at the ground.

 

“You suffered multiple traumas to your leg, though I should reassure you it’s not broken. However, you have a few broken ribs from being crushed for so long. It’s a miracle you didn’t burst a lung.”

 

Lexa nodded and turned her face towards Abby.

 

“What you did was very stupid,” she said before leaning in, “thank you.”

 

As quick as it had been said, Abby was gone. Leaving her and Clarke alone in the medical tent and Lexa took a shaky breath.

 

“Clark-”

 

“You’re an idiot.”

 

Silence. Clarke finally made eye contact with her.

 

“I…”

 

“You’re so stupid, if you weren’t already injured I would kick you.”

 

Lexa bit down on her lip, confused that this was Clarke’s reaction. The Pauna was dead, and they were both alive, so what was the problem?

 

“I thought your people thanked others when they saved their lives,” Lexa said though she regretted it when Clarke glared at her.

 

“Okay, what is the problem?” she asked.

 

“You fucking know, Lexa. Don’t play dumb, it doesn’t suit you.”

 

“What?”

 

Clarke slammed her hands on the bed beside her and Lexa winced.

 

“I thought you were dead,” Clarke spoke through her teeth. Lexa furrowed her eyebrows together.

 

“Yeah, so did I,” she ended up saying. Clarke let out a deep sigh.

 

“Can you for _once_ not be so callous about everything.”

 

“What does that mea-”

 

“I watched you die! I thought you were dead. Because of _me_ Lexa, fuck.” Clarke pulled back from the bed and ran a hand through her messy hair.

Lexa sat up, ignoring the protests of her ribs.

 

“Victory stands-”

 

“- on the back of sacrifice, I know. _Trust me_ , I know,” Clarke said, laughing bitterly. “Wells, Finn, Anya, the people in TonDC… oh _God…._ the Mountain… Athen. I _know_ Lexa,” Clarke swallowed, angry tears falling down her face. “They’re dead, because of me. YOU almost died. BECAUSE of me.”

 

Lexa pushed herself up and brought her legs to the side of the bed.

 

“No Clarke, I would have died _for_ you,” she said earnestly, making eye contact with Clarke.

 

“I didn’t ask you to!” Clarke all but yelled. Lexa pushed herself up onto her good leg, forcing herself to focus on anything but the pain her body was feeling.

 

“You need not ask Clarke, I car-”

 

“Don’t.”

 

Lexa pressed on.

 

“I care about you.”

 

Clarke stepped forward, fist raised weakly and Lexa caught them mid-swing, pulling the other girl into her.

 

“ _I_ watched you die too many times Clarke Griffin, “ Lexa said, her voice hard and commanding.

 

“In TonDC, when the missile hit and I didn’t know where you were. At the base of the mountain, when I… when I left you. When you revealed yourself as Moira’s promised. That day in the clearing, when the Pauna threw you towards the electric fence. I...” Lexa swallowed, her throat tight at the memories. Her voice was quieter when she spoke again. “I watched you die so many times… it killed me so many times. You are a fool if you thought I could watch you die again. I cannot. I would give my life over and over instead of watching you die again.”

 

“Lexa,” Clarke said, tears falling from her eyes.

 

“I care about you, Clarke,” Lexa said, shrugging in defeat.

 

“I thought you were dead,” Clarke sobbed out, burying her head in Lexa’s chest. Lexa grimaced at the pain, but her arms wrapped tightly around the other girl. Her leg was burning from the pressure.

 

“I’m right here, Clarke. Look at me,” she coaxed gently, tears in her own eyes. The blonde pulled back, her eyes meeting Lexa’s and she offered her a small smile. Lexa brought her thumbs up to wipe the tears out from under Clarke’s eyes, cupping her face when she was done. Blue eyes shot down to Lexa’s lips and she took it as an invitation.

 

“I’m right here,” she whispered out before leaning in and kissing Clarke, her eyes closing immediately upon contact. The blonde brought her hands up around Lexa’s back and pulled her closer, forcing Lexa to transfer the weight of her body onto Clarke. The kiss was unlike they had ever had before. It was a proclamation, a promise of life and all it held. Clarke was trembling in Lexa’s hand, and Lexa’s heart trembled in response. The kiss tasted like blood, and salt, and promises that could still be mended.

 

Lexa brought her hand down to Clarke’s hip, gently trailing the skin between her pants and her armor. She felt the other girl sigh into the kiss and her stomach erupted in butterflies. Clarke broke the kiss first, stepping back to wipe at the tears in her eyes. The girl offered Lexa a small smile before gently guiding Lexa back down onto the bed behind her, her body sighing in relief at the change in pressure.

 

The commander watched as Clarke began removing pieces of armor she’d been wearing. It was intimate, Clarke never breaking eye contact with her. When she had been stripped down to her t-shirt and her shorts, her face flushed red, Lexa made a come-here motion with her finger, which Clarke was more than happy to oblige to. She crawled into the bed with Lexa, pulling the blanket over both of them.

 

They shared another kiss, shorter this time before Clarke pulled away again and pressed a kiss to Lexa’s forehead.

 

“You should rest commander, doctors order,” the blonde teased, snuggling carefully into Lexa’s side, her arm wrapping round Lexa’s torso loosely.

 

Lexa let out a huff, her hand wrapping around behind Clarke’s body to keep her where she laid. The blonde’s breathing lulled her into a sense of security and she let out a deep breath, consciousness slipping from her.

 

As she fell asleep, she couldn’t help but forget that this was temporary. The Ice Queen would come back of course, but for now, Lexa found she couldn't care less.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhhh cute right?
> 
> Anywhom, last chapter for a while i'm afraid :( 
> 
> BUT I will come back, and i made sure this one was twice the length of my normal chapters so that you had a little bit of everything. 
> 
> Totally did not edit this, but hey! It's life! I'll be back on june 16th (mark it down) ;) 
> 
> take care and let me know what you guys thought,
> 
> half-a-truth.tumblr.com  
> -L.L.


	8. Wish we could stay alone, you and me and this temptation

 

 

 

It  took four days for Lexa to grow restless of being stuck in  TonDC, limited to very few movement by both the Griffin women (who were probably fifty times more intimidating when they worked together). She understood why of course, her injuries needed to rest. 

Still, Raven had made her a brace  to support her leg (black to match her "commander smolder look") and it certainly enabled her to do a lot more than just sit in the war room and brood. 

Clarke and her hadn't talked much about what they were. In fact, they had hardly talked at all. Clarke was always busy with things Ice Nation related, and when she was free, it was Lexa who was tied up in political situations.

The only solace laid in the fact that Clarke always found a way to sneak into Lexa's tent at night, though the late hours made for lighter conversations and sleepy remarks that almost always went unanswered in the dark. 

They hadn't kissed again either. Any motion to was always shot down by Clarke pulling away and it drove Lexa insane.

So did sitting around for four days.

That's why Lexa had proposed a trip, albeit a small one, to a stream she had stumbled upon a few months ago.

It took a lot of convincing, Clarke was insistent that Lexa rest her injuries. But Lexa was convinced Clarke needed a day off, and Lexa  _really_  needed Clarke to herself for a few hours. 

Such they found themselves a quarter of an hour out of their destination. They had left in the early hours of the morning and the sun now shun brightly, its rays catching Clarke's hair occasionally, causing Lexa to stare every time. 

There was something incredible in the way that, even with her hair matted to her head, her face covered in cuts, dust and dry blood, Clarke was still the most beautiful girl Lexa had ever seen.

She had to remind herself that Clarke did not belong to her, but every reminder just made Lexa wish that she was. Or at least, that Clarke would let Lexa belong to her. Because she was, undoubtedly, completely and undeniably, Clarke's.

She tried hard to stop the nagging thought that everyone she dares belong to suffers, almost as though she's the cause.

Clarke looked at her and Lexa offered her a small smile. It had been half an hour since she stopped pretending she hadn't been caught starring. 

The girl threw her a smile back, hers eyes held nothing but sadness and realization, and Lexa gathered she was probably thinking the same things.

Only a few weeks remained until Moira was set to return and  Lexa still hadn't figured out how to kill her without waging a war between both nations. Though something in the way Clarke held her stare made her want to wage a thousand wars. Lexa shook her head slightly and fought a grimace. 

"How's your leg?" She heard softly from Clarke. Funny question, Lexa smirked as she spoke.

"Hurts."

Truth was, it had stopped simply hurting five minutes into their ride, dulling into a constant ripping burn that echoed and vibrated through her body. 

Clarke smiled back at her.

"I'm sure it's a lot worse than just 'hurts', you really should be resting it. And all this riding can't be good for your ribs either." 

"Clarke," she chastised softly, "please do not worry about me." The other girl scoffed at that, and Lexa did not miss the way Clarke's hand tightened on her mane. 

"You know that's not possible."

There it was, the admittance that Clarke cared about her. The question burnt in her throat, longing to escape and find an answer, even if it wasn't the one she wanted to hear.

"Clarke, what are we doing?"

Clarke's eyes bored into hers, Something in Lexa's state let her know that the blonde understood exactly what she was asking. Yet her voice remained impassive.

"Aren't you showing me a place you found a few months ago." It was blunt, precise, denying Lexa of any truth she sought. Although she had to wonder if Clarke avoiding the question was an answer .

She looked over her shoulder and waved Lincoln and Ryder further back so that they could have a little bit more privacy.

"Clarke," she began as she faced her again, "I care for you."

There was a pause, and Clarke looked down at her hands.

"And I for you," Lexa finally heard. 

"Then  _what_ are we doing?" Again, Clarke remained quiet, her eyes trained forward. It was hard enough that Lexa was making an effort, knowing how emotionally compromised Clarke was. But she hadn't expect the other girl to completely ignore whatever was happening between them. She understood the complications, of course, Clarke was promised to someone else, and breaking that promise had dire consequences. 

"Whatever, you don't have to address... Whatever this is," she gestured between them. "But you can't keep sneaking into my bed every night and...  _God_... Looking at me the way you're looking at me now."

Clarke looked away, pursing her lips ever so slightly. She seemed to resolve herself, build her walls again, and Lexa's stomach churned uncomfortably.

"Fine. Then I'll stop."

"Clarke..."

"No, seriously. In what world do you think that  _this_ would work?" She pulled her horse to a stop and angled herself towards Lexa.

"You know, it could have,  _months_  ago. But you messed that up.  _You _ did. So what are we doing? Nothing. Absolutely shit all, and you can't seriously ask me that question as though it's  _my_  fault."

She pulled her horse back into a trot.

"Clarke," Lexa finally said.

"Can we talk about something else?" It wasn't a question, but Lexa kept pushing, needed to keep pushing.

"I don't want to talk about anything else," she said softly. There was a pause, and than Clarke's cold voice.

"Then I guess we're not talking."

 

They rode in silence for the last five minutes. From where they were, Lexa could here the water of the stream and she was thankful.

When they broke into the small clearing, Lexa watched Clarke.  She watched as the girl's face broke composure, watched as her eyes widened, and her mouth gaped. And Lexa couldn't help but smile. 

They still hadn't spoken, so Lexa broke the silence.

"I found this a few months back when... when I was looking for you."

Clarke turned to face her, eyebrow raised in question, and Lexa inclined her head.

"Lexa, I'm s-"

"Let's go for a swim," she cut in quickly, getting off her horse. The blonde followed suit and Lexa began taking off her clothes, leaving her in nothing but her undergarments and her leg brace. 

She looked pointedly at Clarke until she began undressing herself. She stopped at her  tshirt , and Lexa stepped into her space.

"Here," she said  soflty , grabbing the hem of Clarke's shirt. She began to pull it off when the girl stopped  her, a hand on Lexa's wrist and her tongue choking on words she couldn't quite say.

"Hey," Lexa whispered out, furrowing her eyebrows, "it's okay Clarke, I've seen them already, it's okay."

Clarke shook her head a nd Lexa brought a hand up to gently cup the side of her face. 

"It's okay. Let yourself be vulnerable."

They stayed still, eyes locked and, after what seemed like forever,  Clarke pulled her own hand back with a small nod. 

And then Clarke's shirt came off and Lexa didn 't even have time to let her eyes sink into Clarke's Ivory skin because Clarke's lips were on hers. It was soft and begging, and Lexa couldn't help but answer by kissing her harder, a hand grabbing Clarke by the nape of her neck and pulling her closer. This was a promise, or maybe a reaffirmation of a promise because it's been there all along. Love. Or something resembling love, Lexa couldn't tell at this point. Hell she was just trying to stop her hand from trembling. Knew that it was a lost cause, but it was all she could do to distract herself from how hot Clarke's skin felt against hers. 

She was the commander after all, surely by now she knew how to hide her emotions. Still Clarke had a hand on Lexa's chest and Lexa knew she couldn't hide the way her heart jumped whenever Clarke touched her. 

She never wanted to break the kiss, never intended to,but something snapped her into sudden clarity. Clarke's hand on her brace. The contact was barely there, but Lexa could read the other girls intentions. This was weakness. This was a territory Lexa didn't want to cross into. Her hand covered Clarke's, holding it still has she regained her breath, a small no escaping her mouth. She felt her injury twitch painfully under both of their touches and Lexa blinked herself back to reality. Clarke couldn't see her like this, not when Lexa knew she blamed herself for what had happened to Lexa's leg. For what had happened to Lexa. 

Clarke opened her eyes and studied her carefully, Lexa felt like she was drowning. Whereas she'd been blissfully breathless moments ago, Lexa now found herself struggling to inhale, for another pallet of reasons. The blonde furrowed her eyebrows, her hand grasping Lexa's gently.

"Lexa...?"

"No..."

"It's okay... Trust me."

Fuck, she wanted to. 

Lexa starred back, her breathing jagged.

"Let yourself be vulnerable, Lexa."

Her words echoed back at her sent a shiver down her spine. It'd be hypocritical of her to pull away, demand that Clarke turn around while she took her brace off. And Lexa was not a hypocrite. So she let Clarke gently push her back, lay her down on the grass, her small hands hovering over the brace. Lexa propped herself up on her elbows, despite the pain in her ribs, and watched .

It was almost as though Clarke was battling with herself, unsure that she wanted to see what was underneath it. But her resolve won through, and her hands, a shaky as they were, soon had the brace unclasped.

There was a small gasp from Clarke, almost like it hadn't mean to come out, and Lexa swallowed. The blonde reached out to touch her leg, her eyes flickering to her commander who could do nothing else but nod her permission. Her leg tensed at the contact. She hadn't expected Clarke's hand to be so cold, and she definitely hadn't expected the girl to trace her bruises like she was covered in Braille. Lexa watched Clarke as she lost herself in the galaxies that covered her leg.

"The brace must hurt," Clarke said, her voice splintered in pain.

Lexa nodded, licking her lips. What could she say? The brace was more painful than any injury she'd ever had, but without it she'd be stuck in her quarters and she was sure that that would be more painful.

"I'm sorry," Clarke stuttered out suddenly, pulling her hand away from Lexa's leg to grab a fistful of grass. Her head was bowed, whole body tense, almost like she was trying hard, so very hard, not to cry. The change was so sudden that Lexa couldn't help the bout of confusion from crossing her face. 

"Hey," She coaxed gently, "Clarke look at me." 

Blue met green and Lexa threw her a smile. Ryder's words from weeks ago rang in her head and she couldn't help the way they flowed out.

"You blame yourself for things that are not within your control." The blonde nodded carefully, and Lexa doubted what she said had really eased Clarke's conscience. At least now she was aware that Lexa didn't blame her, hell, Lexa never would.

"Come on, let's go for a swim," she glanced at the small creek before looking back down at her leg. 

"Will you help me in?" She asked gently.

The blonde nodded before standing up and extending a hand to Lexa. Clarke's hand sent a shock pulsing through her and she would have fallen back if Clarke hadn't pulled her swiftly against her.

"Thanks," she mumbled, her face flushed with heat.

The water relieved her of her body weight and she welcomed the numbness it brought to her leg.

It was cold, or colder than usual, or maybe that's what Lexa told herself as an excuse to wrap her arms around Clarke and prop her against the wall.

Their eyes met and Lexa waited for Clarke to nod before bringing her hand up and carefully washing away the dirt, blood, and grime that covered the other girl's face. She worked meticulously, reacquainting herself with all the details, curves, and dips of the ivory skin under her hands. 

"Why did you cut your hair?"

Clarke paused, a flicker of pain (that didn't  go unnoticed by Lexa) crossed her face.

"Moira likes it better short."

"Oh." Her hand dropped down into the water. Lexa seriously wanted to kill that bitch. Clarke looked sheepish, and regretful.

"What happened between you two?" The blonde asked.

Lexa pulled away from Clarke. The action caused a painful sensation through her leg and she winced, grabbing the rocks behind Clarke to balance herself. She felt the blondes arm wrap around her torso and it was the contact that made her realize how incredibly close Clarke's face was to her, questioning, waiting for an answer that Lexa didn't want to deliver.

"It's a long story," she settled on saying. Clarke loosened her hold and Lexa let out a breath.

"We've got tim e ," the other girl replied softly, bringing her free hand up to gently rub away the dirt below Lexa's chin. Her movement was stopped by Lexa, who wouldn't be able to think if Clarke's hand was that close to her face.

"I wasn't born in this clan," she said, a little quicker than intended and she had to force herself to take a breath. 

"I was born a mix, more of less. My father was of the ice nation, and my mother was a trikru," she saw Clarke's confused face and clarified. "It wasn't unusual back then for clans to mix, though it rarely happened." 

She let go of Clarke's hand, and the blonde chose to start gently tracing the skin right above her hip.

"My uh... My mother died in childbirth so I grew up in the Ice Nation palace, my father was advisor to the king. The king and uh.. Moira's father."  Clarke's eyes widened slightly and her hand stilled under the water. 

"When I was four, a village nearby had contracted a disease. My father had gone to investigate by orders of the King." Her jaw clenched, and she willed her voice to remain strong. It was years ago, too long to mean anything anymore. But if she closed her eyes, she could still feel the heat of the flames, engulfing her father's lifeless body.

"Everyone who set foot in that village died."

Lexa casted her eyes down momentarily.

"So Moira's dad took me in, like I was his own daughter, part of the family. Except I stuck out like a sore thumb. I was short, and lanky, and so so tan."

She let out a dry laugh, as though it could have been funny, years ago. 

"Moira had a younger brother, Tate. We got along really well, they use to call us trouble. Moira was 7 years our elder and preparing to ascend to the throne, always stuck behind closed doors of political meetings, so I never saw her that often." 

Lexa shifted in the water, leaning a little bit into Clarke's warmth.

"There was a war brewing. A nation to the west..."

"Vestr..." Clarke whispered out and Lexa nodded.

"There was talk of war, and change, and the cold coming, but I was young then... only eight or nine. And Tate and I kept playing, and sneaking out, and doing things that kids do." She licked her lips and thought for a second. 

"Then one day, we stumbled upon a group of scouts. I begged Tate to go back, that we had to tell his dad. But he just wanted to get closer you know?"

There was a pregnant pause. 

"They killed him, slit his throat." Lexa choked on her words, swallowing a dry sob.

"We were just kids," she whispered out, "we didn't know any better."

"Moira couldn't even look at me... blamed me for everything. So I ran away, here to the trikru, and then I ascended as commander. Her father passed away, and she ascended, and there was nothing but bad blood between us." Lexa pulled back slightly, blinking tears back and letting out a breath. 

"So yeah... things haven't changed. She is hell bent  on hurting everyone I hold dear to me."

"Costia..." Clarke said softly. Lexa met her eyes and nodded .

"...You, " she replied .

 Clarke looked away, biting down on her lip. Lexa  watched, and then cleared her throat. 

"What about you? How did... how did everything happened?"

Clarke looked back at her and offered her a small smile.

"I guess that's fair," she said softly. She swallowed a few times, almost like the story was stuck in her throat, almost like she really didn't want to tell Lexa. But with a rasp  of her throat, she began.

"I walked for a really long time, no food or rest. I was lifeless when they found me... Just... so empty, you know? It was  Athen's  mother who found me, and healed me, and took me into her home."

Clarke sighed and leaned her forehead against Lexa's.

"And that's where I met Moira." She stopped herself, held her breath, and maybe, just maybe, swallowed her fears. 

"She'd been away in battle, murders on the western border had required immediate actions, and had barely wiped the blood on her face before stepping into my quarters."

Something in Clarke's voice made it seem as though it had been years go.

"'Ive heard a lot about you, Clarke of the sky.' she'd said. Then she held my gaze, held out her hand and asked me to take a walk."

Clarke's hand trailed down the front of Lexa's stomach as she swallowed.

"I didn't understand it," she said, meeting Lexa's eyes, "how she could be the monster you painted her to be. She was beautiful, striking really, and I was so so angry. At you, at myself. So I told her everything. My dad, being sent to the ground, the mountain,  you . She told me she could make it stop, all of it."

"Clarke..."

The girl pulled back.

"She was temperamental," she clicked her tongue, "still is, I guess. Sometimes she was gentle, soft, taught me things; languages, music, how to ride a horse." Clarke smiled softly at that, grimacing shortly after, almost like she regretted it.

"I think I could have loved her." The blonde trembled. "But her bad side was  bad ."

"The first time... the first time she hit me, she was so apologetic," Clarke whispered, "I told her it was okay. It had to be okay. I think... I think I told myself I deserved it. And then.. It happened... again and again."

Lexa clenched her jaw, bile rising in her throat. 

"Every time I felt it hard, I forgot about everything else." Their eyes met. " And I told myself to start to want it. And I have to keep telling myself that because if not I'll want you. And I  can't  want you. You're messy and complicated and you make me feel things. On the ground you can't feel anything. You were right, Lexa, Love is weakness. I can't harbor anything for you, because we have no future. At least not at the  expense of other people's. "

She stopped then, and let out a shaky breath.

"This is what's best for everyone," the blonde let out. 

"It's not what's best for you, Clarke."

The blonde pursed her lips.

"Because you're in a position to know what's best for me," she said dryly.

"I..."

"Please don't say it," Clarke interrupted, "Don't say you're what's best for me, because... because you're not. And I'm not what's best for you.  Not after..."

"The mountain..." Lexa finished for her. Clarke held her breath and nodded.

"The thing is... even if you were what's best for me, you'll always have a choice to make... and it's one I can't ask you to make."

"I care about you, Clarke," she said earnestly, "there can be balance, I can... I can make it work."

Clarke clicked her tongue again, her eyes sad and Lexa could tell how badly she wanted to believe her. 

"I don't believe you but fine,  lets  say you did, how would this work? I'm getting married in less than a month."

Married. It was a sky person term Lexa had grown to hate .

"That doesn't matter, forget about that," Lexa said offhandedly, "I'm working on getting rid of her."

Clarke's eyebrows shot up in shock. What. The. Fuck .

"How many more people have to die at our hands for it to be enough?"

"How many people will die at her hands if I don't kill her."

"Oh for the love of... We've been through this, Lexa, you can't just kill everyone you don't trust." Her voice was exasperated, and tired, though Lexa could tell a part of Clarke didn't mean it. She gaped back at her.

"It has nothing to do with me not trusting her, which I don't by the way, she's a terrible person," Lexa replied, a little awkward that that was her reasoning.

"She's not a terrible person, she's a leader. Of course she's had to make hard decisions."

"Not a terrible person?" Lexa all but squeaked out. "Are you kidding me? You just told me she abuses you, Clarke."

The blonde pushed Lexa's arms from around her neck and looked off to the side, wrapping her arms around herself. 

"I'm not an idiot, Lexa," she stated, training her eyes back to Lexa's. "I'm clearly a pawn piece in whatever chess game the two of you are playing. Collateral damage if you will. She's ruthless, I'll give her that, but she's using your feelings for me, whatever they are, against you. And right now she's winning. Checkmate."

Lexa clenched her jaw. Clarke was more than that, it hurt Lexa to know  t hat's how she felt. And it angered her that Moira and her were, in Clarke's mind, the same person.

"I am most familiar with the game of chess, but I confess: I'm confused, at which point do you abuse your own pawns?" She said coldly. Clarke's lips were tight. 

"At which point do you leave your pawns at the base of a mountain to fend for themselves and somehow save their friends and family?"

Dead silent.

"Victory stands on the back of sacrifice, and that is all I am to either of you. A sacrifice you're both willing to make for personal gains." It was small and vulnerable and Lexa tried really hard to remember to breathe but her chest trembled. 

"I love you," she admitted quietly. It was all she could say, all she could think to say. The words were foreign in her mouth, but they tasted like truth and salvation and desperation to make Clarke see, to make Clarke understand, that it was different for her. She'd bow her King down in defeat if it meant Clarke would be hers again, if Clarke would be hers always.

"That's funny," Clarke said sadly, "that's what she says too." 

Ryder appeared then and Clarke's eyes were quick to look anywhere but at Lexa, who had graciously put some distance between both of them.

"Apologies Heda," he rushed out, but they meant nothing, and her eyes were glaring. She didn't trust herself to talk, and Ryder got the blunt end of her anger.

"Speak."

"Riders have arrived at our gates," he paused and studied Lexa's face, "they are of the North." That caught  Clarke's attention and the girl straightened in the water. 

The commander was also attentive, an uneasy feeling pulsing through her the way it would before an impending  storm. Ryder said nothing else.

"Well go on," she snapped out.

"They ride fast, they will be back by nightfall."

This time it was Clarke who let her frustrations out. 

"Who?"

Ryder turned toward Clarke, a regretful look on his face.

"The Queen, the Queen is coming back."

Clarke gasped beside her, hand back on Lexa's waist and her fingernails digging tightly into the flesh.

"Dismissed," Lexa gritted through her teeth, her eyes no longer on Ryder. This couldn't be happening. She was a few weeks early, too early. The other girl seemed to be on the same page as she was, locked in disbelief.

"Clarke," she tried, cupping Clarke's hand. The blonde yanked her hand back. 

"Something's wrong." Clarke's eyes were wide. "I have to go," she breathed out, more to herself than anything. Her eyes flashed to Lexa, who was just as confused, and heartbroken, and defeated. Because Clarke wasn't hers, and Clarke had to...

"I have to go," she repeated, stronger, almost like she couldn't really believe it herself. She said it, but made no effort to move. The water stilled.

"Clarke," Lexa said cautiously. Please stay, she wanted to beg. But Clarke was not hers. The sound of her name seemed to snap Clarke out of whatever trance she was in and the girl turned herself around before grabbing onto the rocky ledge and lifting herself out of the water. Her arms were shaking, Lexa noted, and her movements were frantic. 

That's when she got a good look at Clarke's scars, the redder newer ones protruding in contrast to Clarke's paler skin. It could have been avoided. It should have been avoided. 

"You're not mine," Lexa breathed out, almost like it wasn't clear before, almost like it had finally hit her that they were fated for earthquakes and torrential downpours and tsunami waves. Her shoulders sagged into the water, her leg screamed in pain, but her heart was breaking and she was sure the sound was infinitely louder, like glass towers shattering. Clarke looked at her then, her shirt in her hand, and she was crying, and Lexa wanted to drown.

"I don't  _belong_ to either of you," Clarke wavered out through her tears, her hands making no effort to wipe them away. "I have to go," she repeated again, putting her shirt on. The blonde faced Lexa again.

" _Please_ , Lexa, I have..." A sob racked through her body and she stopped talking. She knew what Clarke wanted, and in a perfect world she would have given it to her.

Stay, she'd say, we can run away and I'll keep you warm at night and never complain when you snore. We'll bicker about stupid things, you'd teach me to read and I'd never let you go to sleep thinking you were anything less than beautiful. 

In a perfect world, she'd pour her heart out, she'd break her rib cage  apart to let Clarke into her chest. She'd let Clarke wrap herself around her heart and ribs like vines and flowers and all things beautiful.

But this was not a perfect world, and everything in her chest had withered. She was the commander of the coalition, leader of the trikru, and Clarke was not hers. She swallowed her heart, almost heard the echo of it falling into nothing and braced herself. 

"Go," she finally whispered out.

And then she was gone. 

Lexa tossed her head back into the water. 

Clarke was gone.

Clarke wasn't hers. 

_I don't belong to either of you._  

She closed her eyes, let herself sink, and cried. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for being a day late, I didn't get in until 2am this morning and I was dead. Also my laptop broke two weeks into my trip so I wrote this entire chapter on my iphone. Sorry for any typos ;)
> 
> It was definitely more a filler chapter, but now you get some back story! AND DUN DUN the queen is coming back.
> 
> Let me know what you guys thought!  
> half-a-truth.tumblr.com for any questions. Take care!


	9. In an instant your predator hands reached to the throat

Lexa stayed underwater, anchored by the vision of Clarke walking away and burdened with forsaken desire, until her lungs burned and her throat screamed. It should have been easy to dismiss her feelings, renounce her emotions, she’d done it before, except… except it wasn’t. Clarke had rooted herself into every fibre of her being. It was as though she had been threaded through every inch of Lexa’s skin and now Lexa couldn’t separate herself from what she felt for Clarke.

It was getting dark. Lexa could see rain clouds blowing in from the west as she floated on the water. The sun well on its way disappearing from the sky, and she was shivering. How long had she been laying here, cursing at Gods she doubted existed?

“Clarke,” she whispered out, bringing a hand up to her lips where she could still feel the blonde’s lips on hers. Everything was so distant. She had to give up hope: This wouldn’t work. Clarke and her had been destined for the weight of leadership, and leadership required sacrifice. A ruler could bare thought to their hearts.

A raindrop hit her cheek, right below her eye, and Lexa blinked slowly. It was the rain that got her to pull herself out of the water, she needed to get back to camp, Moira would be back soon.

She got dressed, her damp clothes bringing only a small source of warmth to her frigid skin, and got onto her horse, kicking it into a slow walk.

It was pouring now, and Lexa was glad she had dismissed Lincoln a while ago; they didn’t both need to get drenched. Her leg was numb, the brace back on, but it still was impossible to go faster than a trot without risking further injuring her leg. And she had a feeling she might need that leg to work very soon.

When she finally broke the tree line into the field, it had stopped raining and the sky was dark. The kind of dark that accompanied a sunless sky right before the moon was set to break the skyline. There were few stars shining, though Lexa paid them little attention.

Moira was already back, her party of warriors so large they had set camp outside the gates and she had to pass them on her way in.

Clarke was already at her side, and Lexa felt a ping of sadness strike her chest. She wanted to look away, bow her head in defeat, but she was the commander, and commanders did not cower. Instead she got of her horse and made her way over, stifling the limp of her leg.

“ _I am most glad you are alright_ ,” she heard Moira say to Clarke as she approached them, Lincoln and Indra immediately at her side. Her leg was screaming now, but she forced herself to ignore it. The Queen held Clarke’s face in her hand, her stance strong and dominant, and then she kissed her. Lexa clenched her jaw before clearing her throat and gaining the other woman’s attention.

“ _Ah Lexa,_ ” she began, gazing her up and down, “ _looks like you got caught in the rain._ ” The Queen smirked, her hand tightening around Clarke’s waist in a clear display of possession. Clarke’s eyes were glued to the floor.

“ _Moira_ ,” she said curtly, before glancing behind the other girl’s shoulder and noting a few representative from other clans. She gave them a nod and a small welcome before turning her attention back to the woman she despised more than anything.

“ _What is this?_ ” she questioned. The Queen’s smirked deepened and she ran her tongued against her teeth before speaking.

“There’s been a slight change of plans,” she announced out-loud in english, no longer simply addressing Lexa but the whole crowd that had gathered around them.

“The union ceremony will happen tomorrow _,_ ” she stated. Lexa’s heart accelerated in her chest, Clarke’s eyes shot up in shock as well and their eyes met briefly.

“Why?” she said thickly, desperately trying to keep herself composed and calm.

“Because…” Moira replied, turning her head down towards Clarke. She took her index and middle finger and tilted Clarke’s chin up to her.

“Because who could resist this.” Moira smirked and Lexa took a step forward, gaining the Queen’s attention again.

“And because I’m here now, so what’s the sense in waiting?” Her voice thundered: confident, factual, there was no room for debate.

Lexa tightened her fist.

“Nothing is ready.”

“You’ve worked with less time before.”

“That was different,” Lexa said through clenched teeth.

“Why, because it was Costia?”

Two very distinct things happened in that instance: Indra surged forward, Lexa’s hand barely managing to grab her and pull her back, and realization hit Clarke like a lightning bolt. Costia and Lexa had been married? Though it seemed she couldn’t tell why Indra was angry as she was. But Lexa knew. Costia had been Indra’s daughter. And Costia had been her lover, her wife.

Lexa swallowed, tasting the blood that ran down her throat from how hard she was biting her tongue. All she could manage was a nod before turning on her feet, Indra’s arm still tight in her grip and Lincoln hot on her heels.

When she reached the safety of her tent, she threw the other woman in front of her.

“ _Indra,_ ” she whispered harshly, “ _control yourself_.”

The warrior’s chest rose and fell violently.

“ _She has no right to.. to…_ ”

“ _I know._ ”

“ _I’m going to kill her myself_.”

“ _Indra_ ,” Lexa cautioned, unbuckling her shoulder strap. She was tired, and cold, and defeated. But Indra did not hold back.

“ _If you had really loved Costia, you would have done something about that_ ,” she paused before she snarled, “ _t_ _hat bitch.. by now instead of running away like a coward with your tail between your legs._ ”

The slamming of Lexa’s hand on the table echoed through the tent, her shoulder strap tightly in its grasp and Indra stopped talking.

“ _Do not question my feelings for her. As destructive as they were, they were real._ ” Her voice was loud and commanding. “ _And they were the reason a treaty was drawn instead of declaring war on a nation that would have wiped us all out._ ”

Lexa moved her hand off the table, dropping her shoulder pad in the process so that she could undo the straps of her jacket. She lowered her voice, letting the exhaustion seep into her every word as she worked to get her jacket off.

“ _Do not question the love I had for your daughter or the feelings I have for Clarke. And do not question my abilities as a commander. For I can only choose one, and the fact that you’re standing in this tent should give you a solid answer as to what my choice continues to be time and time again._ ”

Indra nodded, and Lexa let out a breath, the last buckle of her coat finally coming apart. It fell to the floor with a thud and Lexa stood there, her wet t-shirt stuck to her skin as she waited for Indra to speak. It took a second, but the older woman finally muttered a sentence.

“ _Commander, forgive me_.”

“ _There is nothing to forgive, Indra_ ,” Lexa said tiredly, rubbing her hands together to warm up, “ _you are more than my second in command but right now I need you to be just that and only that._ ”

Indra nodded again, her lips pressed tightly together and Lexa began removing her wet t-shirt.

“ _Any news while I was away_?” She paused and turned to face Indra. “ _Are Trent and Fenix back? Surely they should be by now, if Moira is. In fact we should have known the Ice Nation was coming back today long ago, where are they_?”

“ _No, they are not. As for news. The people are on edge by the presence of so many Ice warriors, there is talk questioning your leadership_.”

Lexa furrowed her eyebrows, her grip on the dry shirt she’d picked up tightening slightly.

“ _Let them talk. As long as it remains talk. When was our last transmission with Trent and Fenix_?”

“ _One week ago_.”

Lexa chewed on the inside of her cheek. Something felt off. Something felt… wrong.

“ _Send two more scouts to the last spot of transmission. Could just be an issue with the sky people radios, though that wouldn’t explain their absence…._ ” she trailed off and looked over to the other woman, nodding at her to confirm her order. Indra nodded curtly and with a quick _yes commander_ she was out of her tent, leaving Lexa to crumble onto her throne, the pain in her leg too great to support her.

She changed her damp pants, taking her brace off in the process, and laid down to rest. Within minutes, she found herself fast asleep, the exhaustion of the day weighing heavily on her.

She awoke a few hours later, pass dinner and well into the night that the majority of the camp was already asleep. She dressed herself, making sure her sword was at her side before exiting her tent. Lincoln was at the door and she nodded at him.

“ _How is the night_?”

“ _Quiet_.” he replied, looking around. He seemed on edge, and Lexa did not blame him. The skies had cleared and the light shun over the stillness of the camp.

“ _I’m going for a walk_.” He made to follow her but she held up her hand. “ _I need to be alone_.”

She walked through camp, her hand never leaving her sword, and basked in the quietness of it. It seemed as though everyone was sleeping, or well on their ways to sleeping. She envied them, envied the easiness with which they lived. Envied that they could follow their heart, envied that they still had their hearts. She did her rounds, nodded to the guards on watch and decided to call it quits.

She was heading back to her tent when she caught movement near the wall and she walked closer.

It was Clarke, but she wasn’t alone. Clarke and Octavia were with her and Lexa stepped into the shadow of a nearby tent, where she knew she’d be unseen. Octavia spoke, answering a question Lexa had missed.

“Wait so let me get this straight… you want us to guide you down the aisle?”

“Yes,” she heard Clarke’s quiet voice reply.

“Why?”

“Look… I… I can’t do this alone.”

“So you need us?” It sounded smug, Raven-like, and Lexa almost rolled her eyes.

“Raven,” Octavia chastised.

“What O, she hasn’t talked to us in like weeks, I just want to hear her say it.”

Clarke stayed silent and Raven continued.

“Clarke you know you don’t have to do this. We all know who you’re really heart-eyed Griffin for.”

Octavia cut in then.

“Yeah Clarke… I mean I don’t like either of them,” Lexa frowned, “but even I know who should be the one at the end of that walkway tomorrow.”

“Please,” the blonde whispered out, “I have to do this.”

“Oh Clarke,” she heard Raven say sympathetically. There was sound of shuffling, almost like they were hugging and Lexa heard sniffling. Now she really felt like she was intruding and so she stepped out of the shadows towards the girls.

“You should be resting Clarke, tomorrow’s a big day” she rasped out, causing silent to fall over the group of them and they turned to face her. Raven was the first to break the silence, awkwardly saying hello.

“Oh, hey Lexa.”

She nodded and turned towards Octavia.

“Commander,” the other girl acknowledge with a small bow of her head. And then… Lexa faced Clarke, the blonde’s eyes bore into hers but nobody said anything.

“Hey Lexa, how much does a polar bear weight?” Raven finally voiced, baffling Lexa in the process.

“A what?” she asked.

“Raven,” Clarke and Octavia said at the same time.

“Enough to break the Ice.”

“Raven.” Clarke sounded exasperated

“Will you excuse us,” Octavia said grabbing Raven by the arm and dragging her away from where they stood. Lexa watched them go, not missing the wink Raven threw her way.

Clarke was starring at her when she turned back to face her.

“What is a polar bear?” Lexa questioned.

“They are animal that used to live on earth, but they went extinct.”

“Extinct?”

“They stopped existing.”

“Oh.”

It was silent, Lexa could hear the footsteps of her guard pacing back and forth atop of the gate some distance away.

“You didn’t tell me you were married.” Lexa should have been expecting that.

“Didn’t I? Though joined is more fitting, you become one.”

“I uh… I assumed differently when you said she was yours.”

“It shouldn’t have happened,” Lexa blurted out and Clarke looked at her, begging with her eyes for clarification.

“The wedding… the relationship. It shouldn’t… I shouldn’t have let it happen. It was a risk, we both knew it, but we did it anyway.”

“Then why? And why so quickly?”

“Because I loved her and because… because her father was dying. I respected him. And we both wanted the same thing; for Costia to be happy. Our relationship had been a secret, until that day: being lover to the commander was a burden I could not ask her to bare. I think part of her resented me for it, and she was _so_ unhappy. The day we were joined, we had been told her father would not last past sunset so…”

She trailed off, realizing that she’d been rambling. Clarke had a way of getting her to talk that terrified her.

“I announced our union.”

Clarke was looking at her, a sad smile on her face and Lexa leaned back on the wall behind her.

“And Indra?” the blonde asked.

“Costia’s mother.”

She could tell by the look on Clarke’s face that the girl had a hard time believing what had just come out of her mouth and she nodded.

“Wow…” Clarke breathed out, turning so that she could lean against the wall beside Lexa, “that’s a lot of information.”

Lexa nodded and both girls let silent roll over them. It wasn’t uncomfortable, or tense, but a calm embrace they both desperately needed.

“The sky sure is bright tonight,” Clarke remarked after a while, causing Lexa to look up.

“It is…” she said quietly. A star shot across the sky and Lexa heard a small gasp from Clarke’s mouth.

“Make a wish,” Clarke breathed out wistfully and Lexa craned her neck to look at her.

“A wish?”

Clarke looked back.

“Yea… a shooting star, you make a wish on them because… well I’m not sure, but you make a wish.”

“Oh..” The commander swallowed the knot in her throat. “We do not see it as such.”

“What do you see it as?”

“The stars… when they fall like that,” she paused and looked up, “it is because the Gods are swinging them around, shattering the skies above. It is an omen of bad things to come.”

Her eyes drifted back to Clarke, who now seemed closer, within her reach. And Clarke was glowing, the light of the pale moon catching every inch of her exposed skin.

“You might be right,” the blonde replied thickly. Lexa angled her body towards Clarke, pushing herself off the wall and reaching her hand up to grab hold of Clarke’s face. She cradled it, cherished it, prayed that time would freeze or that the sky would dismantle itself, crash to the ground in a blaze and setting everything aflame. It had happened once, the legends said, and it could happen again, should happen again. She would rather die right now, holding her world in the palm of her hand, than live another day regretting ever letting it our of her grasp.

“Bad things have already come,” she whispered out, resting her forehead against the blonde’s.

Clarke breathed out, her hand covering the hand that held her face.

“It’s only the start.”

Clarke was crying now, and Lexa felt tears of her own falling down her face. It was Moira’s voice that broke them out of their embrace.

“You should be in bed, Clarke.” There was an uneasy feeling behind her words, almost like Moira’s tongue was a sharp blade looking to draw blood.

Clarke, who was now steps away from Lexa, wiped at her eyes and nodded before beginning to walk away. As she passed Moira, the Queen’s hand shot out and grabbed her by the arm, violently pulling her to a stop. Moira’s eyes hadn’t left Lexa whose hand was now wrapped tightly around the hilt of her sword and Lexa watched as Moira forced Clarke into a bruising kiss, releasing her harshly when she was done. It was a dismissal, and Clarke was quick to accept it, leaving nothing but the echo of her presence behind.

It was quiet again, and Lexa begged her heart to calm down. She was sure Moira could hear it from where she stood.

“ _You've always liked playing with toys that don’t belong to you_ ,” Moira said, beginning her approach on Lexa.

“ _Clarke’s not a toy_ ,” Lexa gritted out. That made Moira laugh. A loud cackling laugh that held no humour.

“ _Look at you_ ,” the Queen said, a smirk on her face, “ _you’re crying_.” Her voice held a hint of amazement and she stepped close, her faces inches away from Lexa’s.

“ _She’s just a girl_ , Lexa.” Moira dragged a finger across Lexa’s jaw, jerking the girl’s head upward when it reached her chin, meeting Lexa’s eyes to her own.

“ _And she belongs to me_.”

It was harsh, final. Moira stepped back and within an instant she was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops, this is so late. I was fairly busy these last two weeks so I apologize for the delay!
> 
> HAPPY CANADA DAY TO MY FELLOW CANADIANS! Please let me know what you thought in the comments!
> 
> Shit is going down.
> 
> ...going to the chapel and we're... gonna get married...
> 
> kudos are at 420, blaze it


	10. A heart of steel starts to show

Lexa was up early the next day in order to prepare for the rest of the ceremony. It wouldn’t be grand, by any mean, though Moira had made it clear that that was not important: She’d get joined to Clarke in the middle of a complete dump if that’s what the situation called for. That would have been a romantic notion if Lexa didn’t know any better, and she knew a hell of a lot better.

The skies had cleared, endless blue as far as the eye could see. It reminded her of Clarke and her stomach clenched uncomfortably. If she closed her eyes, she could picture perfectly the first time Clarke ever walked into her tent, her blue eyes wide with fear, her raspy voice begging for peace. Peace. Surely this is not what Clarke had had in mind?

She shook her head and walked towards the centre field where the ceremony would take place. As she passed Lincoln’s tent, the boy exited and fell in step with her. He didn’t say anything, though Lincoln had never been one for words, and Lexa was thankful: she didn’t trust herself to reply without crumbling. Her eyes scanned the walls of TonDC; ice guards and trikru warriors alike were standing guard. It was as though they were expecting a war instead of a union ceremony, and Lexa grew nervous.

She hadn’t heard back from the secondary wave of scouts she’d sent the night before, though she knew that she wouldn’t in time for the ceremony. The last spot of transmission was a full day’s non stop ride away, and they had left just last night. It didn’t help that they were traveling in the dark either, the darkness warranted cautiousness above all and they would be slower.

The pit had been turned into a gorgeous field of flowers and fire that would illuminated the way to the altar, a makeshift arch of intertwined bamboo like stick. Women and men alike organized and positioned ornaments of peace, love, and protection, that hung from wooden post set up ceremoniously on the outline of the pit. There was a few Icelings that watched, enthralled by the precision and care that the wood clan took in preparing the union ceremony. Or perhaps they were enthralled by the flowers, the colours of red, white, blue, and yellow that were rare in the north but very common in the woods.

Lexa stepped to the altar, where she would stand during the ceremony, where she would _perform_ the seal. There would be a unification with a ribbon, and then she would have to watch as they both branded each other with the symbol of soul chosens, one that signified forever. She had one too, right above her heart, from Costia. She shook her head and looked down at everything; the ribbon, the branding iron, the dagger. She picked up the dagger; it was Iceling tradition to exchange blood to finalize a union, and one she was not looking forward to. The thought did cross her mind to take a quick stab at Moira’s heart but she quickly shook her head and put the dagger back down. Moira had no heart, so stabbing it wouldn’t kill her.

“You’re up early, considering… considering how late you were up,” she heard quietly behind her and turned to face the source of the voice. It was Clarke, dressed in her simple clothes and Lexa almost wished she could freeze time and keep her like this forever; simple, careless, and absolutely breathtaking.

“Yes well, one tends to have trouble sleeping anyway when their heart is at war with their head,” she stated back, her voice holding a hint of shakiness and Clarke averted her eyes in response. It was quiet and Lexa watched as Clarke looked around, taking in the scene before her.

“It’s beautiful,” the blonde girl finally said, turning back to face Lexa and Lexa’s heart clenched. This could have been them, standing opposite of each other at an altar, promising and swearing to love and care and protect. But instead, it was Clarke and Moira, and Lexa felt the heavy weight of galaxies shattering in her head.

“Don’t go through with it,” she blurted out, closing her eyes tightly when she realized how loud she had just said that. Clarke’s voice brought her back to cold reality.

“I’ll see you at the ceremony.” And then she was gone, leaving Lexa in a quicksand of emotions and solitude. People were staring her way now and she barked out orders to distract herself from the void of Clarke.

 

It wasn’t until mid-afternoon that the ceremony began, the entire camp and ice nation gathered tightly in the pit. Clarke’s friends and her mom stood in the front, with hopeful expressions that somehow this wedding would go horribly awry. How wrong were they about to be.

Moira was the first to step down the makeshift fire aisle, flanked by four of her guards who all had their hands on their sword. They were all dressed in white of course, their uniform symbolic battle uniforms of the Ice Nation that Lexa had once admired her father in. The Queen gave Lexa a look, the smirk on her face evident, as she took her position at the altar and Lexa almost stabbed her there and then. But then there was movement, and her eyes were pulled back to the centre of the aisle.

Raven and Octavia stepped forward, both donning pure white battle uniforms. Raven had a hand on the hilt of a sword, and the other on a cane, and her hair was pinned back in a tight ponytail. It was the first time Lexa had ever seen her look serious, save for that time she had her tied to a tree stump to bleed her out, but Lexa didn’t like to think about that. Octavia, on the other hand, wore her hair down, warrior braids intact and the symbol of Trikru sewn on her chest. At least she was faithful to her people. One of her hands also rested on the sword at her side, but the other hand - the one closest to the inside- was holding the reigns of a beautiful white horse, Clarke’s horse. And that’s when Lexa focused on Clarke.

Time froze, and Lexa swore she forgot how to breathe. She wasn’t the only one as she heard Moira’s breath hitch as well, but she couldn’t bring herself to look away. The girl’s shoulder length hair was pulled back the way it had been when they had first met, still clean from their trip down to the stream. Lexa had a hard time believing it had only been two days, because Clarke had composure right now, and Lexa envied her. It was her face that made Lexa’s heart stutter in her chest. Clarke had on white war paint around her eyes, the same way Lexa did hers, and it made her storm-coloured eyes shine through. Her lips were painted white, parted slightly when she met Lexa’s eyes as though she was releasing a much needed breath. Clarke was the epitome of Ice, her white armour bearing the symbol of the ice nation visible only barely underneath the long white cape Clarke had clipped to her chest plates.

It made Lexa weak in the knees and she suddenly became aware of the throbbing in her leg. Fuck. And then Clarke was off her horse, and beside Moira. It was time.

“Should either of you oppose this union, speak now,” she said to the both of them, her eyes trailing from Moira’s to Clarke, pausing and holding the girl’s stare longer than she needed to. _Say something, Clarke, please say something._

There were many things Lexa prided herself in being able to do, and keeping composure even when she felt like she was shattering inside was one of them. People were watching her, them, knowing very well that Lexa and Clarke had history and yet… and yet Clarke was not being joined to Lexa. It would only make her feel like more of a fool if she were to break down in the middle of the ceremony. Feelings were weakness, feelings got you killed, and with so many doubts going around about her leadership, Lexa needed to be strong right now.

The ribbon was first, white and made of silk, a remnant of the pre-nuclear war that had been passed down through generations of commanders and the feeling of it in her hand reminded her of simpler times, of Costia and her smile and her laughter and her promises of forever. Lexa’s heart shook in her chest, wept in agony at the thought of losing someone else she loved. Her feelings were stronger now, almost overpowering her and she could barely move her arms forward to wrap the ribbon around both of the girls' joined hands

“With this ribbon, I, Lexa kom trikru and commander of the coalition, join you both as lovers, guardians, and sole protectors of each other’s hearts. With this, you become one, and one you will be forever, until the end of times, until death turns you to ashes, until your souls split again.” Her voice was not her own and she almost repeated herself. Had she already spoken? Why did those words taste so foreign and metallic on her tongue? She met Clarke’s eyes and quickly looked away to avoid the girl’s stare. Was it hot out today, or was the rapid beating of her heart to blame for making her so light headed.

The Queens stepped forward then, grabbing the branding iron from the ambers in which it laid, and Lexa watch the slight widening of Clarke’s eyes. _Come on Clarke, say something._

“I lay claim to your heart, Clarke Griffin, and vow to protect it,” _bullshit_ , “with this mark I bind myself to you.” Her hand grabbed Clarke by the chin and forced her head to her side. She pushed back the blonde’s hair and brought the hot iron right behind Clarke’s ear. If it hurt her, the blonde didn’t show it past a deep exhale. The Ice Queen brought her hand down to Clarke’s and put the branding iron in her hand.

For a moment, it looked as though Clarke was going to hesitate, renounce the entire thing all together. But then she spoke and Lexa’s heart shattered all over again.

“I lay claim to your heart, Moira of the Ice, and vow to protect it. With this mark I bind myself to you.” She branded the Queen in the same spot before pulling back and placing the branding iron back in the fading ambers. It was done. They would exchange blood now, and Clarke would be crowned Queen, and Lexa’s heart had lost a battle she wasn’t sure she could have won to begin with. The next few moments went by in a blur, images drowned out by the deep beating of Lexa’s heart in her eardrums, and soon enough Clarke and Moira turned to face the crowd, both donning crowns Lexa hadn’t even paid attention to.

_“People of the ice, with this bond, the Ice Nation grows stronger. We will prosper in ways we never had before. Long live, Queen Clarke.”_

With that, Moira leaned in and captured Clarke’s lips into a kiss. And a large portion of the pit erupted in wild cheers, taking the rest of the grounders by surprise and they began clapping as well. Lexa could tell Clarke’s people loved her already and that she would rule happy, a small solace in the gapping hole in her chest. Octavia pulled the horse forward again and Moira climbed on, pulling Clarke on after her. Lexa took a breath, blinked, and they were gone.

 

 

She failed to see Clarke or the Ice Queen until the late hours of the night. The celebrations had grown quiet, though Lexa could still hear a few of the sky people -drunk on moonshine, no doubt- singing songs with the words all wrong. And Lexa was still awake, afraid to lie down and let the weight of her failure crush her. Clarke had needed her, and Lexa had failed her. And now the Ice Nation would go back North, and Lexa would never see the blonde girl again. It didn’t help that her scouts were still unheard from, and the Lexa had a feeling the next time she’d see Clarke again would be on a battle field, blades fated for blood and destruction.

She was wrong of course, Lexa found she was often wrong nowadays.

“May I come in,” she heard a familiar voice at the entrance of her tent and Lexa turned from the war plans she had been studying to face her. Clarke. A Queen. Crown still sitting on her head.

“A Queen does as she pleases,” Lexa said quietly, turning her attention back to the table underneath her hands, “or has Moira failed to teach you that yet.”

Clarke rolled her eyes and walked closer to Lexa, her cape trailing on the floor behind her.

“How’s your heart?”

Lexa stopped her movement and looked at her.

“What?” she asked. Surely she had heard wrong.

“I said, how’s your leg?”

The commander narrowed her eyes and furrowed her eyebrows before shaking her head softly, she couldn’t deal with this right now. Clarke here, so close to her but so unattainable, it didn’t fare well in Lexa’s chest.

“It’s good. What do you want Clarke?”

“I want in,” she heard softly and Lexa gave her a pointed look.

“You want in?”

“The coalition, I want the Ice Nation in.”

That made Lexa sober up quickly from her wicked thoughts of Clarke and she stepped around the table.

“What do you mean?” she asked evenly, though it was all pretty self explanatory. “Only Moira has that power.”

Clarke walked towards her, her steps even and confident. “Not anymore. I too, am Queen of the Ice. And I want my people in the coalition.”

There was silence and Lexa heard the unison of the sky people singing echoing in the darkness of the night.

“Where is Moira?”

“Sleeping. Why does it matter? Isn’t this what you’ve always wanted?”

Lexa stopped and looked at her, her heart hammering in her chest. Something was wrong. Something was off.

“Are you okay, Clarke?”

“I’m fine, Lexa,” the blonde girl husked out, also affected by how late it was.

“Can’t this wait until morning?” The blonde reached the table and placed her hand against it to lean forward, her eyes boring into Lexa’s, almost begging her to comply.

“No, this is time sensitive. I am not sure when I will have the chance again, and it might be too late,” her hands tightened on the wooden surface, “Lexa if you want permanent peace between our people, this is your chance now. A marriage is not a binding alliance, but the coalition is.”

There was a pause in time, Lexa had to think it over but she knew that this was something she would have died for years ago; the assurance of peace between the eleven tribes and the Ice Nation.

“Okay,” she said, nodding more to herself than anything before pulling back from the table. She signalled for Clarke to back up before removing the top off the table, revealing to Clarke a secret compartment she kept papers in. Lexa shuffled in it for a bit before pulling out a parchment of paper. The original document that had sealed the coalition, bearing the signatures of the eleven grounder nations and she passed it to Clarke before putting the top of the table back on.

“This is binding, breaches will be handled through trials. But not here, in Polis. She moved a little pot of ink, made out of different plants, and a feather to Clarke and showed her where she should sign.

The feather had barely left the paper when a third party barged into the room. The Ice Queen. Moira.

“Moira,” Lexa rasped out, her voice still strained from the lack of sleep and Clarke’s sudden interruption, “just in time to celebrate.”

“Celebrate?” The Queen said as she stepped further into the tent, eyeing her surroundings. Her gaze fell on the scroll laid out on the table in between Clarke and Lexa and Lexa had to resist the urge to smirk as the telltale signs of realization illuminated the Queen’s feature.

“What have you done, Clarke?” It was threatening, and the blonde stepped back from the table, locking eyes with Moira.

“What you should have done a long time ago.” Moira looked over to where Lexa stood and the commander stepped forward, asserting the little control she had just gained.

“Welcome to the coalition.”

The older woman let out a guttural growl, stepping forward in a fury, unkempt and wild with sudden rage.

“You used me,” she snarled.

“Feels good doesn’t it,” Clarke retorted. In a flash, Moira took another step, unsheathing her sword and holding it to Clarke’s neck. Lexa felt herself pull out her own sword and jerk forward to press the blade to Moira’s neck. Time froze, and they stood there unmoving, locked in a tense hold that sucked the air out of the room.

“I told you I didn’t want this,” the Queen snarled through the silence.

“Do it,” Clarke gritted through her teeth, “kill me.”

There was a fire in Moira’s eyes and she pressed the blade deeper against Clarke’s skin. Lexa retaliated, only to be stopped by Clarke’s hand grabbing onto hers and the small shake of her head.

The Queen’s blade broke skin and a thin red line of blood appeared against Clarke’s skin. The blonde winced, and it took all of Lexa’s self control to remain where she stood. She trusted Clarke’s judgement, but to what end what she willing to go to make her point?

Just before the blade went too deep Moira stopped and Lexa exhaled a breath she’d been holding.

“You can’t, can you?” Clarke said softly, “because you need me now, and you know it.”

Moira stepped back, only to launch herself and bring her sword up to Lexa’s neck. Lexa saw the same fury in her eyes that months ago would have made her tremble in fear, but she was not afraid, not anymore, not now that peace was finally absolute between them. She watched as Clarke stepped between them and Lexa swallowed in realization: It was Clarke that made her unafraid.

“If the coalition fails, we _will_ lose this war,” Clarke said sternly, her hand wrapping tightly on the blade of Moira’s sword, hard but not hard enough to break skin. Lexa almost did a double take at her words.

“What war?”

Moira pulled her sword away, disbelief splattered across her face and she turned to face Clarke.

“You didn’t tell her?” she said, a shocked smile on her face, “And here I thought that was why…oh this is going to be great.”

Lexa’s arm dropped as well and she looked at Clarke, confusion written across her features. The blonde’s jaw was set into a hard line and her eyes met Lexa’s.

“Clarke?”

“Lexa, I had no other choice.”

“No other choice? Clarke, what are you talking about.” Moira was smirking and Lexa glared at her out of the side of her eyes. The blonde took a deep breath, swallowed and licked her lips before speaking.

“A few months ago, some of our scouts started going missing. Off of the western border. We didn’t… nobody thought anything of it at first; there are beasts forged of the ice… but then bodies started turning up and before we knew it…” she paused and looked towards Moira, who was now stoic as ever, “We were on the verge of war. Villages we plundered, massacred and burnt to the ground. Viktor leads them to absolute devastation and the nation of Vestr is merciless and… and strong. Their army is larger than ours alone, Lexa, and now we are at war. We needed more power. We needed… we needed this army, _your_ army.”

The commander listened, disbelief painting every aspect of her face. Clarke had used her, manipulated her. She struggled to get words out and Clarke stepped in, gently grabbing onto Lexa’s shoulder.

“It’s not personal.”

But it was, and Lexa pulled her arm out of Clarke’s hold.

“Like hell it isn’t, you used me.”

“What did you want me to do? I had no other choice.”

“How about being honest with me,” she let out, exasperated and confused, and _angry_. “You knew what this meant to me, the concept of peace, you knew and you used it against me instead of being _honest_.”

“How could I when even the union wasn’t enough? It wouldn’t have been enough. It was only a matter of time before something like two scouts winding up dead shattered this informal alliance, force a switch in the allies and the Ice Nation would have fallen. My people would have died at your blade and I could not allow that .”

“How did you know about the scouts?” she asked, though she suspected she already knew the answer.

“Octavia told me. Don’t waste your time waiting to hear back from them, Lexa. If Viktor is as smart as he seems to be, he would have done everything in his power to stop this alliance.”

This feeling ate away at Lexa, betrayal, betrayal and the bitter taste of truth. She should have known better, should have seen the signs. She had let her feelings for Clarke limit her to the present, to only what she could see, when there was so much more happening behind it all. And she had let her people down. Though Lexa had a gut feeling that war would have been eminent either way, but which side would her people have fought for?

“Clarke, why… why didn’t you just come to me?”

“Let me ask you this, Lexa. If two months ago, you were given a choice. Which side would you have chosen? The West? Or the North?” She paused and rest her hand on her hip before adding, “And don’t act like you wouldn’t have jumped at the chance to destroy the ice nation because _I know._ ”

The tent fell silent and Lexa watched as Clarke clenched and unclenched her jaw. She had to strain to listen to Clarke when the girl spoke, her voice so quiet compared to the storm it had been moments before.

“It’s obvious neither of you care about them. But they are my people. They saved me, and I intend on doing everything I can to protect them.”

It all made sense now, why Clarke _had_ to do this, “marry” Moira. It was never just about protecting the sky-people or the trikru, it was about the Ice Nation.

_Choice? You think this is a choice? You don’t think that if there was ANY other possibility, I wouldn’t have taken it. I did what I had to be done to keep my people safe, there was no other choice._

  
It rung in her head like the echo of a gunshot. Clarke hadn’t been talking about the sky-people the day she came back, even if this protection would extend to them in the long run, no, she had been talking about the Ice Nation. _Her people._

  
The wedding had only been a mean of getting power, Moira was apparently too proud to ask for help and Clarke was right: The choice would have been different two months ago.

“Viktor is smart,” Clarke said, rubbing her eyes, “and you are both stubborn, and frankly this feud between the both of you is stupid. But using it against you was the only way to make sure as many people outside this tent survive.”

“You put my people at war,” Lexa gritted through her teeth.

“You were heading to war anyway,” Clarke snapped out, pulling her hand from her face, “You don’t want war? Fine Lexa, take us out of the coalition. But when Viktor’s done with us…” The blonde let out a dark laugh, “he’ll come for every square inch of land, and you will not win.”

Moira snorted and both girls whipped their head to look at her. Lexa was about to bite back when Clarke went off.

“And you,” she said, finally addressing Moira, “Don’t act like you have made any of this easy.”

“I have my reasons to hate her.”

“Your reasons are unfounded.”

“You have _no idea_ ,” the Queen snapped back, her dark eyes finally starring at Lexa and the girl cleared her throat.

“I didn’t kill Tate, Moira.”

“You did,” she snarled, stepping forward and grabbing Lexa by the shirt, “you were there you could have stopped him, you _should_ have stopped him.”

Lexa shoved her back hard, putting some distance between them both.

“How could I? I was eight! Tate never listened to anybody, why do you think we were out there in the first place,” she gritted through her teeth, stepping closer to Moira and pushing her backwards again. “Plus that's high and mighty of you to lay claims when you _murdered_ Costia.”

“Enough.” It was Clarke. Quiet and commanding. “Like it or not, you guys need each other.”

“Who says I want to help her?” Lexa said bitterly, her eyes still on Moira.

“Because you need her help too, Lexa,” Clarke said back, stepping in between them so that Lexa was forced to look at her. “I need you Lexa.”

And God, Lexa just wanted to give in right there and then.

“Clarke, I love you but… What you’re asking of me, to fight alongside her, I can’t do for you.”

“Then don’t do it for me,” the blonde said softly, stepping forward, “Do it for your people. There cannot be peace without winning this war. And neither of us can win this war without each other.”

There was truth in Clarke’s word, as much as Lexa hated to admit, this was not how she saw this playing out. Whereas she had had a thousand questions in her mind the minute Clarke barged into her tent, now the count stood at a million and Lexa thought her head might implode.

“I want something in return,” she rasped, her voice broken from tiredness and the sheer shock of the day.

“What?” Clarke asked her.

“You can’t give it to me,” Lexa said, training her eyes on Moira over Clarke’s shoulder and the blonde stepped out of the way.

“I don’t owe you anything,” the Queen said when she realized Lexa was talking to her.

“Oh but you do,” Lexa said making her way towards the dark haired Queen, “Or I’ll stand by and watch as Viktor and his nation destroys you.”

The Queen clenched her jaw, shooting Lexa a murderous glare. It was quiet for a while. “Speak.”

“When this is over, when this war ends; There will be peace between our people,” Lexa tightened her fists at her side and kept her voice levelled, “and you disappear.” The Queen made to speak but Lexa held a hand up. “I’m not finished. You disappear…” Lexa trailed off and looked at Clarke over her shoulder.

“You disappear.. And you let Clarke go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bet y'all thought Clarke wasn't woke the whole time
> 
> I can't apologize enough for the delay. The only excuse I have is that I had the worst writers block. I knew what I wanted to write, but had a great deal of trouble getting it out there. As you can tell, this chapter had a lot of technicalities that I really had to make sure translated well for the audience in a way that was easy to understand and made sense. I like to think this is the pinnacle chapter of the story where the tides shift and we kind of get a deeper understanding of Clarke's side of the story. The 13th tribe is something i've been hinting at since chapter 2 anyway, i hope you enjoyed it
> 
> I hope you don't hate me too much about the wedding :( it's completion is very important to the story line. 
> 
> PLEASE if you need any clarification, message below and i'll for sure answer them!


	11. Hold Back The River

The rain came down hard, reducing their visibility to a few meters in front of them. It was late in the afternoon, though the dark clouds above could easily have made is pass for the beginning of nightfall and Lexa couldn’t help but wonder if they should be riding so fast in such dangerous conditions. She looked through the side of her hood, where two equally hooded figures rode fast alongside her and Lexa shook her head: She had to get to Polis. They were at war now, and all remaining ten nations had to be alerted, the capital had to be on high alert. Viktor could strike first, and nobody was prepared.

It was her horse’s movement that alerted her they weren’t alone, the way it had angled it’s head slightly to the left as if to say _something’s coming_ and Lexa’s hair stood on the back of her neck. She scanned the forest to the left of her, mentally calculating the distance between her and the blurry tree line. A few yards at most, and Lexa’s right hand fell from the reign to grip her sword. This position threw her a little off balance due to the speed of her horse but Lexa could handle the change and she angled her body slightly to the side, her eyes falling back to the forest line. That’s when she caught it, the glint of yellow eyes sprinting in the pouring darkness.

“WOLF RIDERS!” She cried out through the rain, alerting the other two riders accompanying her. Her warning heeded a second too late and Lexa couldn’t get her sword out before she was thrown off her horse by the force of wolf colliding into her. She felt her back hit the next horse closest to her before landing violently on the ground below. It probably would have hurt if the ground hadn’t been so muddy and wet from the rain and, for the first time that night, Lexa was thankful it was raining. She sloshed around before standing up, her hood falling back and her sword gripped tightly in her hand. Her eyes flickered around, landing on the other two riders who had equally been knocked off of their horse before she turned around and faced one of the incoming animal. It jumped, without preamble, egged on by the rider on its back and Lexa was pushed back down onto the ground, her sword gripped on either ends horizontally to keep the wolf’s snapping jaw at bay.

 _This is a bittersweet way to go_ , she thought to herself as the stench of the beast’s breath filled her nostrils. Then in an instance the wolf was off of her, a whimpering shriek of pain as a sword slashed it across the face and Lexa was quick to get up. She spared a glance in her saviours direction, _Clarke_ , who also had her hood down now and her soaking blonde hair was matted to her face. Over the girl’s shoulder, Moira fought another rider off. A third wolf stepped out from the woods, and Clarke met it halfway. She wanted to watch, memorized by how graceful Clarke was, but the wolf the blonde had just fought off snarled her back to attention. Her sword swung through the air as the wolf jumped again Lexa barely managed to knock it down. Before she could register it, an arrow was pointed in her face and the girl froze.

She swallowed, noting that the sword behind her had also stopped. She could feel Clarke’s eyes on her back and Lexa let out a shaky breath. The rain dripped down her face and she conceded, just momentarily, with a small nod of her head.

“It is unsafe for the commander to ride alone,” the man said, his voice deep and his english laced with a thick accent. A smirk illuminate his face, and Lexa couldn’t wait to wipe it off.

“Who said I was alone?” The man’s brows furrowed and the timing couldn’t have been more perfect as an arrow flew past his face, causing him to face towards the direction they had just come from.

Lexa lunged forward.

The man released his arrow, just as Lexa forced the bow downward with one hand, towards the wolf she had knocked down. The whimpering of the now-dead wolf echoed in Lexa’s ears as she plunged her sword through the man’s chest, effectively ending his life.

Then it was quiet in the clearing. She heard Moira pull her sword out of the wolf that the girl had struck down, the sticking sloshing of flesh almost complementing the rain, but Lexa was too focused on Clarke. _Clarke’s okay_. Lexa exhaled a breath of relief.

“ _You are late Lincoln_ ,” she said turning to face the darkness of the forest.

“ _We can barely see in this weather_ ,” the boy admitted, having the decency to look apologetic as her stepped out of the tree line. Lexa nodded and sheathed her sword.

 _“You missed_ ,” she allowed herself to tease as she moved to pull his arrow out of the tree he had hit.

“ _Oh and here I thought I was just a distraction_ ,” he teased back, grabbing the arrow out of her hand. Lexa nodded and faced the rest of the riding party now emerging from the woods.

“We are only an hour away from Polis,” she announced out loud, the rain almost muffling how loud her voice was. “We were right… they have infiltrated these woods. Be on the lookout, there may be more wolf riders out there.”

She walked over to her horse, sadness washing over her when she realized she couldn’t save it. It whined and Lexa gave it a soft pat before unsheathing her dagger and plunging it into its heart.

“ _Yu gonplei ste odon_ ,” she whispered before getting back up. “Lincoln, Octavia, you’re riding together. Lincoln, give me your horse.”

The boy nodded and climbed off his horse before making his way to where Octavia stood. Clarke exchanged a worried glance with her and Lexa offered her a small smile before jumping onto Lincoln’s horse and pulling it into a jog.

“Lets go,” she ordered as she began leading the pack through the woods and towards Polis.

Thankfully the rest of their trip went off without a hitch, and by the time they reached Polis the rain had died down to a small drizzle. And Lexa was home. She heard Clarke gasp quietly beside her and Lexa nodded in agreement. It was quite a sight, the huge border walls were twice the size of those in TonDC and visible from outside of the walls was a gigantic stone fortress seemingly rising from the centre of the walls, years of radiation having worn it down to beautiful ruins. Cheering rung out through the air and Lexa couldn’t help but smile as the celebration echoed in the clearing. She pulled her horse back into a jog, breaking away from the riding party to gallop through the field. The gates opened just in time and Lexa pulled into the walls of Polis. Chants of _Heda’s back_ rang through the air and Lexa was greeted by her people, those she had sworn to protect. She nodded in courtesy, holding back the smile from her face. This, this was why she made the decisions she made, to protect the people she loved, to protect _her_ people.

The celebrations were short lived as Clarke and Moira crossed the gates, Ice Warriors at their side, and the crowd grew silent. That’s when Lexa spoke up.

“The Icelings march with us now, anyone who tries to stop this will pay with their lives,” Lexa called out, her voice echoing through the square. There was silent, a pause in everyone’s breathing, and then chants erupted again. How long had it been? How many _years_ had they been at war with the Icelings? And now it was done, over, there could be peace. Lexa looked back towards Clarke and Moira, and her stomach clenched uncomfortably at how easily they seemed to fit together as leaders. _That should have been me_. She looked away, forcing herself to remain stoic.

“We must rest tonight, there shall be a celebration tomorrow,” she announced loudly, her voice strong through the celebration. Which only spurred on more celebration. Clarke met her stare and Lexa nodded before turning around and making her ways towards her quarters, deep within the ruins of the castle.

 

Nightfall came quickly, the celebrations echoing through the night and Lexa felt an easy contentment settle in her stomach at the peace of her people, despite the war they were heading into. Despite this momentary happiness, Lexa could not find sleep, felt it evade her at every toss and turn until finally she gave up and got up, dressing and arming herself before leaving. Lexa pushed through the flap of her sleeping quarters into the empty throne room. The roof had caved in and ruins decorated the room with grin moss and moonlight splattered all over it like the ground the sky had married here in this very room. Dust was suspended in the room, glimmering in the light and Lexa’s stepped echoed in the empty silence. She made her way over to the rocky throne, in the centre back, took the three steps up quietly and stopped when she was within arms reach. Her palm made contact with the cold stone and a shiver ran through Lexa’s body. She ran her hand along the length of the arm before turning around and sitting down. Her body went rigid in command, power and control vibrating through her though her hand stayed loose, her fingers trailing the engraving in the stone. She looked down and read the markings, mesmerized their shape though she knew she would never be able to understand them.

“She’s pretty,” Lexa heard from the doorway. She looked up. “I’ll give her that.”

“Skylar,” Lexa breathed out in acknowledgment. She moved to get up but the girl, Skylar, stepped into the room and brought her hand up to make her stop, bowing her head quickly after. She slid back down into her seat and watched the other girl saunter towards her. She hadn’t changed one bit. Her dark brown hair was tied in a braid and pushed over her shoulder and went down past her bound chest. Her silk skirt swayed side to side, her tone, tanned body flexing with every step and Lexa’s eyes were drawn to her bare stomach.

“Eyes up here, _champ_ ,” she heard teasingly and Lexa finally looked the woman in the eyes. God, how could Lexa have forgotten what those eyes looked like. Pond water green as they were, Skylar’s eyes rivalled sea storms, and Lexa felt like she was getting tugged in to drown all over again. Drown, and be lit up from the inside. Because the way Skylar was looking at her now was enough to set fires to a thousand forest.

“You look well,” Lexa commented softly. Skylark quirked an eyebrow up and stopped a few meters from Lexa.

“You’ve looked better, _Commander_.”

Lexa shook it off and cleared her throat before speaking. “You know how it is when we’re-“

“-at war, I know,” the other girl said, bringing a hand up to silence her, a smile on her face. It was silent for a while, and Lexa looked at the girl, six years her elder, a small comfortable smile playing on her lips.

“So Clarke,” the girl finally said as she moved closer to Lexa, taking the steps up to the throne. Lexa averted her eyes at Clarke’s name, angry tears stinging at the back of her eyes. Skylar always had a way of making her bare her emotions, regardless of whether she wanted to or not. There was movement, Lexa closed her eyes, and she felt Skylar’s arms stretching on either side of the chair. Lexa exhaled and Skylar moved a hand up, a long tender finger tilting Lexa’s head back forward. When she opened her eyes again, Skylar’s face was inches away from hers.

“Lexa,” the other girl breathed out before pressing a small chaste kiss against her lips. Skylar pulled away and looked tenderly at the Commander. “Your eyes betray you.”

She was quiet. Her eyes fluttering back and forth between both of Skylar’s, her vision getting progressively blurrier.

“It hurts,” Lexa choked out, her heart clenching in her chest like her fists at her side. Warm hands wrapped around her wrists and pulled her arms up. Instinctively, Lexa’s hands latched onto Skylar’s hips and the other girl moved forward, placing a knee on either side of Lexa’s thighs to straddle her.

“It hurts because you care,” came the gentle murmur above her and Lexa looked up at her through her eyelashes, a single tear streaming down her face. Skylar reached up, her always gentle finger wiping under Lexa’s eyes.

“That bad, eh?” the older girl murmured, a sad smile on her face.

“I really messed up,” Lexa said thickly. Skylar shushed her in a breath.

“It can be fixed. It can always be fixed.”

“No, it cannot. She is go-“ Skylar’s kissed her again, mid-sentence. Not sexually: promising, comforting. Lexa exhaled when she pulled away.

“It can always be fixed,” Skylar said, warm on top of Lexa and the commander wrapped her arms around her waist to hold her closer. Skylar smelled like forest and campfire smoke and Lexa buried her face in the girl’s neck to inhale a deep comforting and familiar breath. She heard the heavy door of the chamber room open and Lexa kept her eyes closed just a moment longer. Whatever it was, it could wait.

“Commander…” _Fuck_. It was Clarke, of course it was Clarke. Lexa pulled away, keeping Skylar on top of her as she turned her head to face the source of the voice. She wasn’t ashamed of the relationship she had with the girl on the lap, even if she knew most people wouldn’t understand, and she wasn’t about to change that for Clarke, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t a little bit worried about what Clarke might think.

“Clarke,” she said, keeping her voice even, as though she hadn’t just been crying about her. The blonde girl approached cautiously, her eyes fixated on Skylar who had also turned to her head to face Clarke.

“Is this a bad time?” Lexa swore she heard Clarke’s voice wavering but she wasn’t about to comment on that. Skylar wrapped her arms around Lexa’s neck, her eyes looking at Clarke just a moment longer before turning back to look down at Lexa, urging her to answer.

“Uh.. No… what… what is it you wish to discuss?” She felt Skylar’s lips on her neck and Lexa’s grip tightened on the girl’s hip. _Don’t_.

Clarke’s eyes never left Skylar, and Lexa could read a thousand emotions in them. _Jealousy. Anger. Hurt._

“Just let me,” Skylar breathed in her ear, “trust me.” And Lexa did.

“I was wondering…” Clarke trailed off and Lexa urged her on with her eyes. “I was wondering.. If I could speak to you… alone.” The blonde’s eyes flickered between Skylar and her and Lexa kept her composure.

“Skylar…” she finally said, angling her head towards Skylar’s. The older girl lifted her head away from Lexa’s neck, made eye contact and promised Lexa a hundred things with them. Then she leaned in and kissed Lexa on the lips, deeper than their previous kisses. At once the warmth was gone and Lexa dared not look as Skylar walked away.

“I should have known the Commander has a harem,” she heard Clarke say when Skylar was finally gone. The word was foreign to Lexa and she frowned as she looked back at the blonde.

“A what?”

“A har-… you know what, forget it, it’s not important.”

“If you are talking about Skylar, she is but a friend of mine.”

The blonde shook her head and the throne room fell silent. Then the silence was broken.

“I need to know…” Clarke swallowed and looked down at her feet and Lexa could feel the nerves from here. “I need to know why you made that deal with Moira.”

Lexa quirked an eyebrow up and starred back at her.

“You know, _Clarke_.”

“I don-”

“I love you,” Lexa interrupted, standing up from her throne to take the few steps down towards Clarke. She heard the blonde’s breath hitch at her declaration and Lexa slightly tilted her head to the side, almost in amazement. “How many times are you going to make me bare my soul, Clarke of the sky people?”

She watched Clarke bite down on her bottom lip and Lexa nodded to herself.

“Even after…” Clarke trailed off unsurely and Lexa found herself stepping closer, reaching out a hand to cup Clarke’s face. She ran her thumb under the girl’s eyes, felt the way Clarke seemed to fall into the touch, and Lexa admired her openly.

“I don’t understand,” the blonde whispered softly, her eyes shutting under Lexa’s touch, “you should hate me.”

“You assume that I don’t?”

Lexa watched Clarke’s jaw dropped and felt self-satisfaction seep into her stomach. She stepped closer still, so that her face was close enough to Clarke’s that she could feel the girl’s breathing against her, shaky and relentless, as though being this close to Lexa made it hard for the girl to breathe.

“I both love you and loath you, Clarke,” Lexa whispered, her eyes darting between both of Clarke’s quickly. “It is because I love you, that I loath you. And it is because I loath you, that I love you.” Clarke stopped breathing. “You have proved my equal at every turn, betrayed my trust as I have yours, righted my wrong in your passion and pursuit for self-justice and yet you claim you did not do it for yourself but for others. Your crusade to save the ones you love at the cost of mine is endearing and maddening all together and yet, it is exactly what I have done to you. There is balance to be had in this world, Clarke. I have wronged you. You have wronged me. That is fair, and it is justice.” Lexa paused, her throat dry and her heart thudding heavily in her chest. “But you have saved me. Awakened something in me I thought long dead. And for balance, it is my turn to save you.”

“I don’t need saving,” Clarke rasped out finally, her eyes glazing over with unshed tears and Lexa’s breath hitched.

“You do not?” Lexa questioned, her hand slipping from Clarke’s cheek to cup her face below her chin. Lexa tilted the blonde’s head to the side and kissed her below the jaw, before bringing her lips to the girl’s ear. “You are shaking, Clarke,” she whispered out. “Do not hold back what you feel. I am here, do not be afraid.” Clarke’s shoulder sagged and her head moved to the side more, exposing her neck. Lexa kissed her, felt her pulse on her lips and Clarke’s arm were wrapped around her shoulders quickly to stabilize herself. Then she felt Clarke’s fingers digging into her shoulder and pushing her back and Lexa quickly stepped back. Clarke was crying, her breathing harsh.

“I love you too,” the blonde wavered out, angrily. One shove and Lexa took a step back.

“I _love_ you.” Thick tears fell and Clarke swallowed loud enough for Lexa to hear. Second shove, and Lexa barely stuttered backwards, the back of her foot hitting the base of the first step to the throne.

“I wanted to trust you.” Lexa stayed quiet.

“I wanted to _hate_ you.” Clarke shoved her again but Lexa didn’t move. It was weak, half-hearted, a desperate cry to be held.

“Do something!” Clarke said louder, her voice raising. She shoved her harder and Lexa grabbed onto her wrists. “Hit me back. Hate me like I so desperately needed to hate you. God damn it, Lexa, stop being so self-righteous and be angry with me the way I couldn’t be with you. Even after you _destroyed_ me. I couldn’t be _angry_ with you.”

Lexa tugged on Clarke’s wrists, pulling the girl closer to her. She dropped her hands and cupped the blonde’s face before pulling her into a hard kiss. Clarke’s body sagged into hers and Lexa caught her with one arm, softening the kiss as she did so. Clarke bit down on her bottom lip and Lexa hissed. She went to pull back but Clarke leaned into her, chasing her lips and Lexa let her. Lexa wrapped her arms around Clarke, lifting her so that the blonde could wrap her legs around Lexa’s torso, she broke the kiss momentarily, hissing at the discomfort in her leg. Clarke’s eyes were wide with worried and Lexa shook her head before leaning back again to kiss her. She took slow strides, her legs hurting and then she felt the thud of Clarke’s back against the wall echo against her own body, pressing them impossibly closer. Clarke gasped, her hands tightening the hold in her hair Lexa hadn’t even noticed was there. Clarke’s body was warm against hers and Lexa could have cried at the comfort of another person if she wasn’t so intoxicated in everything Clarke was.

The kiss got more heated and Lexa felt her knees get weaker. She adjusted her hold on Clarke, breaking the kiss momentarily to look towards the nearby flap that led towards the commander’s quarter. She looked back at Clarke, lips red from the kissing and cheek flushed, noticed the way Clarke’s chest heaved against Lexa’s own. She moved back, from the wall, keeping Clarke in her arms and kept eye contact with Clarke as she pushed past the flap and into her room. Clarke’s eyes were a hurricane and Lexa couldn’t break her stare, not even as she laid Clarke down on her bed and climbed on top of her. There was a sharp pain in her hip and Lexa pulled back at the foot of her bed. Her hands found the tie around her waist and Lexa didn’t even pay attention as her sword and knife fell from her side, leaving her unarmed. She crawled back on top of Clarke and kissed her again, slower but more definite. It was gentle, and asking for permission Clarke seemed all to eager to give.

Lexa’s hands found the strap of Clarke’s jacket and she tugged on them before breaking the kiss.

“ _Clarke_ ,” Lexa husked, “may I?” Consent. Clarke needed to give it and Lexa would stop the moment she felt she’d lost it.

There was a stretch of time that seemed to go on forever and then finally, as though there had never been any doubt, Clarke nodded, eager, begging.

“Please, Lexa, _please_.”

That was all Lexa needed and she kissed her again as her hands worked to slowly undress Clarke.

 

It wasn’t until much later, when Clarke’s naked body pressed against her’s and Lexa’s fingers trailed down the side of Clarke’s sleeping face, her blonde hair matted to her forehead, that Lexa realized what Clarke had really been saying.

_Please, Lexa, **save me**._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops, it's been too long. 
> 
> Happy Holidays everybody! Enjoy and leave reviews!


	12. The World, or Nothing

The bed was still warm, and damp with sweat, when Lexa opened her eyes again. It was dark, too early in the morning. Her heart clenched in her chest when she felt Clarke’s body still curved into the front of her’s and Lexa wished over and over again that this could be an everyday reality. Clarke made her wish for things that would probably never happen, not as long as their people came first. But Clarke loved her, as she loved Clarke, and the thought alone was enough for Lexa, at least it was enough for now. 

Lexa pulled back slightly, so that she could get a good look at the young girl in her arms, sleepy and restless and yet looking more beautiful than Lexa had ever seen her. The candlelight flickered and illuminated Clarke’s lips were parted slightly and her brows furrowed, as though even in her sleep she couldn’t find release. The girls arms were bent up into her chest and her fists were clenched tightly, causing a small tremor in her forearms and bicep. Lexa’s eyes followed the natural curvature of Clarke’s shoulder all the way across her chest and into the dip of her collarbone and sternum. There were too many scars to count splashed on Clarke’s torso, but a small patch of ink across the upper portion of Clarke’s ribs caught her eyes. She reached over with her index finger and trailed the writing slowly. It was in icelandic, older than the one she was familiar with and Lexa wondered what it meant, and why Clarke had gotten it. 

She didn’t have much time to dwell on it because Clarke’s hands shot down to her side, jolting Lexa’s hand back. The blonde’s jaw clenched and Lexa reached out to touch her face. 

“Lexa,” Clarke breathed out tensely, still deep in sleep. “Lexa,” she repeated, her hands twisting and turning to grasp something that wasn’t there. Clarke’s moved in staccato and Lexa furrowed her brows as she moved back closer to rouse Clarke from her sleep. 

“Clarke, it’s okay,” she cooed gently, “I’m here.” 

Clarke bolted up, gasping for air and a hand grasping tightly the sheets pulled to her chest. Her eyes were wild as she searched her surroundings and Lexa wrapped a careful arm around her until Clarke looked her way. 

“It’s okay, it was just a bad dream,” she assured her, her throat tight at the thought of Clarke looking so terrified. “Do you want to talk about it?”

The blonde shook her head, swallowing loudly before turning her body into Lexa’s. 

“Sorry.. I didn’t mean to wake you,” the girl rasped out, bringing a hand up to rub at her eye. 

“You didn’t,” Lexa quickly assured. Clarke nodded and turned away, her hand dropping back down to her lap. She swallowed again and let out a shaky breath. It pained Lexa to see her like this and she lifted her hand from off of Clarke’s back to gently squeeze the girl’s arm before speaking. 

“What does your tattoo mean?” she asked. Clarke’s eyes met hers, tired and open and she offered Lexa the smallest hint of a smile. 

“It’s the travellers blessing,” she breathed out before lying back down, her head comfortably falling on the pillow. And Lexa adjusted her position to look down at her questionably. There was a moment of hesitation and then Clarke licked her lips. 

“ _In peace may you leave this shore, in love may you find the next. Safe passage in your travels, until our final journey to the ground. May we meet again_.” 

There was that thick silence again and Lexa couldn’t help but choke on her feelings before leaning down, her lips meeting Clarke’s in a sweet sorrowful kiss. This was a reminder of what they had both lost and the carnage that had ensued when Lexa had abandoned Clarke in the mountain. Clarke must have felt it too because her eyes were wet with tears when Lexa pulled back. 

“Clarke?”

“Sorry,” the blonde choked out, “I just… do you believe there can be more than this?”

Stumped, Lexa pulled further away, her eyes flickering between both of Clarke’s questioningly. 

“I’m afraid I don’t understand what you mean,” she said softly, a hand reaching up to gently caress Clarke’s cheek. 

“More than this moment, fleeting, already it is fading.” Her voice was quiet, barely there at all. “The sun rises, and I’ll be gone.” _Like fog,_ Lexa thought. 

She nodded in understanding, her hand reaching out to grab Clarke’s and place it on her chest. 

“We are burdened by the duty we owe our people,” she echoed softly. “But my loyalty, my _heart_ , is yours, Clarke.”

Clarke chewed on her lip and slowly blinked. “Will that ever be enough?” she whispered.

“Clarke,” Lexa stuttered out, “it is enough for me.. it is enough for now, to know I have felt a love so great…”

“How?” Clarke said, ripping her hand away from Lexa’s chest, “how can this be enough?”

And then… quieter, “And why… why did you leave me?”

The words were an earthquake in Lexa’s chest. She couldn’t deny that if they were here now, it was because she had left Clarke at the foot of the mountain, because she had chosen her people over Clarke. But it was that that had sent Clarke away, made her lose her mind, sent her to someone who would save her and abuse her and carve her out. That was all on Lexa. 

“Is it too late to say I’m sorry?” she rasped out, overcome with sudden emotions, “I never meant to turn you into this, Clarke.” Lexa licked her lips, composed herself and offered Clarke a sad smile. “My heart pulses and pulls against my ribcage. It begs, and trembles, and wishes for honesty.” A sad, awkward laugh. “Forgive me, honesty is a bitter taste when laced with apologies. But I need you to know what I have never been able to know myself, what I still don’t understand.” Her voice wavered and she looked away, willing her eyes to stay dry just a little longer. “My body screams, Clarke, begs for you, yearns for you. My heart echoes your name in every beat, threads it in every inch of my body. Clarke, I am yours, and I have been yours since I met you. I was taught that love is weakness, but leaving you destroyed me. When I left, it was against everything I ever wanted. It is _you_ I want, Clarke. And I am sorry I made you doubt it, I am sorry this is the result.”

Clarke was openly crying now and Lexa gently wiped away the girl’s tears. “I would have died, grovelling for your forgiveness. But instead, by happenstance, I am here, with you. You are not mine, but I am yours. And that is enough for me, that will always be enough for me.”

“And when this is all over?” Clarke asked thickly, hesitant and scared. Lexa offered her a small smile and leaned in to press a chaste kiss to the girl’s forehead. 

“When this is all over… perhaps you and I will owe nothing more to our people. Perhaps we will be more than this.”

“You promise?” 

Lexa paused, eyes looking down into Clarke’s. There were flames dancing in the girl’s eyes and Lexa felt that burning deep in the pit of her stomach. The odds were stacked against them, this battle would be bloody and the chance that they both made it out alive, that Moira kept her word, and that the world accepted them, were low.  And still, Lexa found herself whispering an answer, with the upmost certainty that they _would_ survive these odds. Because they were Clarke and Lexa. And if they had made it this far they could survive anything. 

“I promise.”

A pregnant pause, perhaps to compose herself or let the heaviness of Lexa’s words sink in, and then Clarke pushed up and joined their lips together in a small careful kiss. When Clarke pulled away, Lexa felt herself lean further in, only to stop when Clarke spoke again. 

“I should go… Moira will be wondering where I have spent the night.”

“…Clarke…” Lexa almost begged. _Stay_.

“Shh, I know… but this alliance is shaky. And Moira is… possessive.”

“Clarke…” The girl leaned in and kissed her, interrupting whatever begging she was about to do and Lexa offered herself up eagerly. 

“I… I love you,” Clarke whispered in reassurance when she pulled away. “But I belong to my people. You understand.”

And God, Lexa did. She knew what it was like to place the needs of many before the needs of one, knew that politics had no room for connection. But Clarke was the exception. Yet she understood. Not _now_ but one day, one day _soon_ and Clarke would be unbound. Clarke and her could be more than they were now. She had _promised_. 

With a heavy heart, she watched Clarke pull away and leave, loathing the feeling it brought. It was like the light dimmed when Clarke was away, like she had taken all the good parts of Lexa with her. And now Lexa knew what Clarke had felt like at the base of the mountain, and she hated it. 

 

 

“This meeting is now in session. Representative of the 11 clans, today is a day of changes,” Lexa rasped out from her throne. The throne room, which had been empty the day before, was now filled with ambassadors and guards from varying clans seated at chairs that had been brought in. 

“First and foremost, we acknowledge the Ice Nation, represented by their leaders Clarke and Moira, and welcome them into our alliance. Our conflict with the Ice Nation has been on going to long, our people have not known peace and today, we bring them that.”

Lexa paused and looked over at Moira and Clarke. “Is there anything you would like to say?”

Moira locked eyes with her, glaring with all her might as though she couldn’t believe she was even her, siding with the woman she hated. Little did she know, Lexa felt the same. The scraping of a chair rupture their staring contest and Lexa fixed her eyes on the woman she loved, _Clarke_. 

“It is an honour, and a great step towards a most sustainable future, to join this coalition today,” the blonde said strongly, “Our people are eager to interact with yours, and we look forward to the trading opportunities that have now been opened. There is some land to which we cannot lay claim any longer and appropriate measures will be taken to ensure they are given back to the rightful clan.” Moira looked like she shat her pants at that but Clarke pushed on. “The Ice Nation is open to this alliance, we want to ensure its success for generations to come. We mean you no harm.”

Lexa watched around the room, gaging reactions here and there. A man from the Plains Clan stood up then, anger plastered on his face. 

“You lie,” he spat out before meeting Lexa’s stare. “Two of our villages have been attacked in the last five days alone, women and children _murdered_ by scavengers from the north. This alliance is a trap, _Heda_ , they aim to weaken us.”

“Quiet, Alkai,” Lexa said, standing up from her throne. “This brings me to the second subject on the agenda. Things are not what they seem to be, meetings are not for accusations.” She took the few steps down, felt her guards follow her and Lexa stopped in the centre of the room. 

“Ambassadors,” she said evenly, almost pausing for effect, “we are at war.” Murmurs erupted and Lexa brought a hand up. 

“Enough.” Dead silence. “The nation of Vestr aims to lay waste on these lands, on our lands. It is with the alliance of the Ice Nation alone that we will win this war. Vestr attacked your villages and will continue to do so until we stop them. An attack on one of us is an attack on all of us.” 

The air in the room was magnetic, a deep understanding that violence and blood would be spilt regardless, the only difference was whose blood it would be. The clans were murmuring again and Lexa brought her hand up, gaining the attention of those around her. 

“Send riders, prepare your armies. We march North-West in 3 days. _Jus drein, jus daun._ Meeting adjourned.”

The room buzzed again in confusion as Lexa walked out of the room to get back to her bed chambers, followed by her guards. She didn’t care about the questions, the confusion. It was sudden, but it wasn’t with the ambassadors that they would discuss war plans, no.. That was with her generals and her generals would meet before they left for battle. 

Right now all Lexa wanted was peace and rest and some room away from the painful reminder of Moira and Clarke. 

 

 

Of course Lexa never got what she wanted. 

Not two seconds after she had entered her room did Moira stroll in, Clarke following slowly after. 

“How _admirable_ ,” the Queen said sarcastically, looking so uninterested, “how weak your people are to crave peace. How can you believe we’ll win this war with such a pathetic display of strength.”

“Moira,” Clarke said carefully.

“Shut up, Clarke,” Moira snapped, glaring the girl down, “don’t think I don’t know where you were last night.”

Lexa stopped her movement and looked over at Moira. Out of the corner of her eyes, she could see Clarke tense up and Lexa just wanted to place herself between them. 

“Don’t worry, Clarke,” Moira said, eyes locked with Lexa’s, “Lexa and I did swapsies for the night.” 

Confusion dawned on her, her heart aching painfully knowing that something was horribly, _horribly_ wrong. 

The doors opened then and Skylar walked in, backed up by two ice nation guards. She was looking down at the ground, one arm draped across her torso protectively. Fuck, Lexa was going to be sick. 

“Skylar?” she breathed out before shooting her head towards Moira. “What have you done?”

“Let this be a reminder, Lexa,” the Queen said, stepping towards Skylar and gripping her by the chin to lift her head up, revealing dark bruises on the girl’s face. “Don’t play with toys that aren’t yours yet.”

Lexa felt the anger build up almost instantly, could hear Clarke’s loud gasp echo over and over in her head. How many people that she cared about would Moira hurt?

“Get out,” she gritted out, angry tears burning the back of her eyes. “Get out or I’ll kill you.”

“Lexa,” Clarke cautioned quietly. Is this what it felt like to be pulled in every direction?

“Everyone out!” she yelled, eyes fixated on Skylar. 

Moira smirked (and fuck Lexa almost lost it at that)before exiting, barking for Clarke to follow her.

“I’m sorry,” she heard the blonde whisper in her direction but it felt deaf to Lexa’s heart. The moment the door closed, Lexa quickly crossed the floor, stuttering when she was a foot away from Skylar. 

“ _Sky_ ,” she breathed out, a hesitant hand reaching out to touch the girl’s cheek. Out of instinct, the older girl winced and Lexa felt her heart break. 

“ _I didn’t tell her anything_ ,” Skylar said quietly, fear heavy in her voice. 

“ _Shh, don’t worry about that_ ,” Lexa assured softly, cupping her face, “ _you didn’t know. I didn’t think she would…_ ” Skylar looked up then and Lexa felt the air in her lungs evaporate. 

“ _Lexa, please don’t blame yourself. I admit I… I let my tongue run loose._ ” 

“ _Skylar,_ ” Lexa said quietly, gently brushing some of the girl’s hair back, “ _what did she do to you?_ ” 

A flicker in the girl’s eyes said everything and Lexa’s hand tensed up out of reflex. 

“ _She loves her_ ,” Skylar whispered. 

“ _What?_ ”

“ _Clarke… She loves Clarke._ ” 

 Lexa barked out a laugh that held no humour and regretted it the moment Skylar stepped back, afraid and tears streaming down her face. 

“ _She said we are bound the same,”_ she breathed out, “ _destined to love those who would never love us back. That is was all your fault_.”

“ _Skylar, I don’t understand…_ ”

“ _Are you blind, Lexa? God,”_ Skylar sniffled, wiping away at her eyes, “ _I tried to be what you wanted. When you came back from the mountain, I tried to help_.”

“ _You did._ ” 

“ _Then why,_ ” she gasped out through tears, “ _why are you changing everything you stand for, for_ ** _her_** _? Why couldn’t I be enough?_ ”

There it was. Perhaps Lexa had always known how she felt, but had to chosen to ignore it. Or simply disregarded it. Skylar had saved her after the mountain, but nothing compared to Clarke. And Lexa knew Skylar was just hurt from whatever had happened last night. Skylar couldn’t love her, not if she knew Lexa better.  

“ _Skylar, you’re not thinking right right now…”_

It was Skylar’s turn to laugh, humourless and dry, almost vicious. 

“ _Please don’t dismiss how I feel,_ ” the girl whispered out, “ _you know… that’s what hurt me the most last night was knowing I was only there because I love you. I love you and you don’t even care, you didn’t even know_. _”_ Skylar seemed to dissolve into tears then and Lexa stayed quiet. Moira had broken her, exposed her weaknesses and fed on it and now… now Skylar was broken. 

“ _I care about you_ ,” she breathed softly. 

“ _But you don’t love me. And that’s okay. That’s okay. I’m not, Clarke_.” 

It was as though the realization eased Skylar’s mind a little bit and Lexa stepped closer again, carefully, as not to startle her. 

“ _No, you’re not_ ,” she admitted softly. 

“ _I can’t be what you need anymore,”_ the older girl said softly, “ _I don’t think I’ve been what you need for a while now_.” 

“ _What did Moira do to you?_ ”

The girl met Lexa’s eyes and Lexa felt a shiver run through her entire body. “ _Only what she’s done to Clarke over and over again._ ” 

“ _I’m sorry_ ,” she breathed out. Skylar closed in on herself and pulled away. 

“ _She wanted me to hate you, and God.. I was so close.”_ The girl paused and looked up at Lexa. “ _How Clarke doesn’t hate you is beyond me. If you love her, you’ll save her_.”

“ _I’m trying_.”

Skylar nodded numbly to herself before turning around and making her way to the door, only to pause in the threshold. 

“ _Try harder_. _I shouldn't have to tell you..._ _you know what to do._ "

The words rang in her head over and over again long after Skylar was gone. 

_You know what to do._

And fuck, Lexa definitely knew. 

There was no denying it, no holding back now. If it was personal, Lexa could meet that. If it came down to Clarke, it was as clear as day:

Moira had to die. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of a filler, trying to get back into the groove of things. I'm developing the relationship between Clarke and Lexa and its complexity. If you didn't like this chapter, it's fine, I didn't either LOL. 
> 
> lionclarke.tumblr.com


	13. War of Hearts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heavy trigger warning for abuse. Be advised.

**_Clarke_ **

 

One thing was clear: survival was hard. Being on the run from everything, sleeping in trees every night and going days without eating.. Yeah, it was hard. But perhaps it wasn’t as hard as trying to function on a broken heart, though Clarke would argue a broken heart was what made her survive. The sting of Lexa’s betrayal had been fresh, would always be fresh, in a way that she had never experienced before. With Wells, it has been easy to hate him. Easy to see past the _years_ of friendship in favour of hatred. But the _days_ with Lexa had been like never before. And although Clarke wanted to hate her, wanted to find solace in that, she found she couldn’t. 

 

Clarke managed to survive a month on her own before things started to go awry. The dawn of Winter had set it all off, and Clarke found herself travelling too far north with too little clothing and too little energy. She had befriend a trading post worker, Niylah, weeks before, who had taught her the language and traded her food and shelter and clothes (though Clarke found they were so rarely in clothes in each other’s presence) and yet the clothing was not enough. Clarke was cold. Her shelter had been ravaged by a pack of wolves, though wolves was hardly the right thing to call them. What she had seen were massive creatures of the night with huge golden eyes and incredibly sharp teeth, and Clarke could not for the life of her remember a single instance where she knew wolves that big existed. 

 

Then Clarke had fallen down a ravine, and almost buried herself alive in snow. She was there for two days before Cantera found her, her pulse weak and a wound in her torso frozen solid from the cold. Clarke knew that any longer and she probably would have died. It was only by happenstance that Cantera was a healer, and it was sheer luck that she took Clarke in and never made a fuss about it. Cantera was of the Ice Nation, and Clarke knew from the moment she awoke in an Ice Nation village that she was in deep deep trouble. Clarke’s plan had been to stay only as long as the wound needed to heal before taking off. The hut was generally safe seeing as Moira was away on political business and Clarke was sure she’d be gone before the Ice Queen ever came back. 

 

Moira came back early. Her hair was wild and unkempt when she broke the threshold of Cantera’s hut, capturing the attention of everyone in the room. Which had only really been Clarke, Athen, and Valentina. God, she had been striking; dark eyes gleaming dangerously and snow melting on her tan skin. She was in her late twenties, but the scars on her face spoke of a lifetime of decisions made and the weight of a nation on her back. 

 

“Clarke of the Sky People,” she had said, her accent thick, “I’ve heard a lot about you. Come..” Her hand was extended in an invitation Clarke knew she couldn’t refuse, “let us take a walk.”

 

Perhaps Clarke could have loved her in another life, had they been different people. Moira was smart, and thoughtful, cunning and a little overwhelming when it came to what she wanted and what she expected. She had her moments of charm and wit, didn’t push Clarke further than Clarke wanted, and was patient in understanding Clarke’s turmoil. Clarke felt drawn to her because Moira hated Lexa enough for the both of them, and Clarke needed someone who could hate in her place. Moira taught her Icelandic, knew poetry, was fierce in her lead and feared by her people though Clarke could never quite understand why. She had taught Clarke how to ride with her arms wrapped tightly around the blonde and her breathing a soft melody in Clarke’s ear that Clarke could still remember, even now after all this time.  

 

The difference between Lexa and Moira laid in the way Moira expressed herself. Lexa was quieter in nature, less expressive, spoke with her actions rather than her words. Moira would never shy away from letting Clarke know exactly how she felt at any given moment of any given day. She was passionate, _too_ passionate. 

 

The first time she hit Clarke was in a moment of passion. Clarke had talked about going back home, knew she wanted to see Abby and her friends again. They argued about that a lot. That night had been too much, Clarke had pushed her too far (at least that’s what Clarke had reasoned) and Moira’s hand had snapped. The moment right after had been filled in dead silence and Clarke could still see the shock written on Moira’s face. The woman had hesitantly reached out and cupped Clarke’s face, apologies tumbling past her lips like a waterfall and she wished she could have been stronger than falling for it. 

 

But Clarke deserved it, she had had to. She deserved it for being too weak, and needing to see Lexa again despite Moira’s words of caution. Lexa ruins things, and she’ll ruin you all over again if you give her the chance. Beside, it was only a one time thing, right? 

 

Except it wasn’t. Moira got more violent, more aggressive. Bringing anything up that had any relevance to Clarke’s past made her snap. Their love making turned to hateful fucks; Moira took what she wanted and never gave anything back. And then the hits just weren’t cutting it anymore. Clarke needed to want it, needed to accept it and understand that wanting Lexa was a dangerous game she couldn’t afford to play. Moira got twisted, consumed in Clarke and her absolute need for Clarke to love her the way Clarke stupidly loved Lexa. Clarke spent hours getting Lexa’s presence fucked, punched, and kicked out of her. Moira was ruthless and crazy needing Clarke to love her back. 

 

“Say it, Clarke,” she had said breathlessly many times, towering over Clarke and wiping blood off her knuckles. 

 

“I love you.” 

 

“Louder.”

 

“I love you, I love you, I love you.” 

 

“Good girl,” was the usual reply. 

 

Somehow it was always Lexa’s fault:

 

“You know why I’m doing this, Clarke. To help you see how weak Lexa made you. I’m just helping make you stronger, that’s love.”

 

And Clarke started to believe it. Started to believe that she loved Moira, and that it _was_ Lexa’s fault she could ever love someone who hurt her the way Moira did. 

 

But Moira always apologized, that was another difference between Lexa and her. After every downpour of punches, she’d cup Clarke’s face and and wipe away the blood, soft apologies crossing her lips. Every time, Clarke told her it was okay. It wasn’t like she could leave even if she wanted to. The people of Azgada had grown to love her, and her them in return and there was no way Moira couldn’t bare the weight of leading alone. 

 

Then came Viktor’s massacres. Clarke found Moira was less violent in times of war, too taken by the call of battle and too tired to hurt Clarke when she got home. If anything, Moira was a lot more…clingy, as though Clarke would disappear at any moment. The damage was done though, Clarke flinched every time Moira did so much as breath in her direction. Then Clarke began thinking about her people, the ice nation, and how no matter how hard Moira tried, she just wouldn’t be able to save them on her own. So she’s started formulating a plan, a plan to see Lexa again even if by the time it happened, Clarke would be wedded to Moira. Then she’d join the coalition, assure longevity for her people’s peace once the war was over. 

 

And then once everything was done and over with, Clarke would take her life. 

 

You see, despite Lexa’s deal, Clarke knew she was never getting out. Moira would never conceded Clarke to Lexa willingly. 

 

Even if she _did_ give her up to Lexa, a future together just wasn’t possible. Clarke and Lexa were a story told better in theory than in reality. In reality, people died, innocent people, and Clarke knew she’d burn down a million forest if Lexa asked her to. Because even after all this time, Clarke couldn’t hate Lexa. Clarke loved her, and somehow that power had to be worse than the one Moira had over her. Last night had just been a reminder of that.

 

God, Clarke could still remember the look on Lexa’s face whe-

 

“Clarke are you listening?” she heard Moira say, snapping her out of her trance. Right, Moira… she’d forgotten how she’d even gotten back here. 

 

“Yes.. I uh.. I’m sorry.”

 

“You should be. You know how I hate to touch anyone that’s not you.” Clarke looked over at Moira, a small well rehearsed apologetic smile on her face.

 

“Yes, I know.” 

 

Moira stood up and made her way over to Clarke, the light from the balcony shadowing her every move. The room they were in was nice, but Clarke found it lacked homeliness in the way that Lexa’s room had, though perhaps that had everything to do with Lexa being the only place that felt like home.

 

“Clarke,” Moira said quietly, “do you know how humiliated I was when I found out where you were last night? _Who_ you were with? After everything I’ve done for you.”

 

The hair on the back of Clarke’s neck prickled and Clarke stood up, keeping her eyes on Moira. 

 

“After everything you’ve done for me? I.. w-w-what is that supposed to mean? I can’t… I don’t even… you… you ruined me.”

 

Moira’s eyes turned cold and she closed the distance between Clarke and her in one step, her hand wrapping around Clarke’s throat tightly and lifting her off the ground. 

 

“How dare you, you ungrateful bitch. I took you in, sheltered you. When _nobody_ wanted you I made you _queen_. HOW DARE YOU.”

 

“M..oira,” Clarke gasped out, her hands clawing at the woman’s hands in a desperate attempt to breathe.

 

“Shut up, _Clarke_. You’re the one that ruined me, with this forsaken alliance. What for, just so you could fuck that traitor?” Clarke could see black spots closing in at the border of her eyes and she felt like she was about to pass out. 

 

“ANSWER ME.”

 

“Let her go.” 

 

It rang out like a shot and sucked all the air out of the room, calm and composed but as thick as thunder. 

 

Lexa. Where had she come from?

 

“I’m not going to tell you this again, Moira… Let. Clarke. Go.”

 

A flicker of hesitation, like Moira was weighing her options and then her hand released its grip. Clarke fell to the floor, her knees and hands catching her as she heaved in air. Lexa stepped towards Clarke and Clarke angled her head to look at her, eyes blurry from the lack of oxygen. 

 

“Moira,” Lexa began, her eyes kept on Clarke, “you should do well to remember your place.”

 

“My place?” Moira said in disbelief. Lexa’s eyes snapped up at her and Clarke shook her head, trying her hardest to get her voice back. 

 

“I am the commander,” Lexa said, her voice getting louder with every word, “you are under _my_ coalition and you are here as a guest. Remember that next time you wish to lay a hand on Clarke.”

 

Using the nearest table, Clarke pulled herself up and looked at Moira. Her sight was getting clearer by the minute but she still felt like she couldn’t breathe or speak. 

 

“Clarke belongs to me,” Moira said before glancing at Clarke. “She loves me, and I her.” 

 

Even from where she stood, Clarke could see the way Lexa’s jaw clenched. “Some way you have of showing her that.”

 

“Oh what, like you’re any better.”

 

“I am better,” Lexa snarled, taking quick strides towards Moira. A flicker of light hit Clarke’s eye and she gasped in a breath before stepping in between both of them, her hand grabbing Lexa’s wrist and stopping the momentum of the knife she had unshielded. Lexa’s eyes were wide and Clarke hissed out a breath as the tip of the knife dug into her wrist. _Not here, not now_. Clarke could feel Moira’s eyes on her and she nodded to herself before swallowing and turning around, keeping Lexa’s hand behind her back. 

 

“We have to focus,” she rasped out to both of them, “if we want to win this war.” 

 

Moira stepped closer to Clarke, one hand reaching out and softly trailing the marks of where she had had her hand just minutes before, her eyes already apologizing. It took everything in Clarke not to recoil and her hand tighten its grip around Lexa’s until the other girl pulled back, pulling Clarke back with her. 

 

“Clarke is right,” Lexa wavered out, her thumb running on the back of Clarke's hand, “But let me be clear…You put your hands on Clarke again and so help me by Gods, I will bleed you where you stand.”

 

Moira and Lexa locked eyes and Clarke felt like she couldn’t breathe again. A guard barged in then and Clarke had never been more thankful for the interruption. 

 

“Heda…” he rushed out, bowing his head slightly. 

 

“What is it,” Lexa replied evenly, her eyes still on Moira. 

 

“Two bodies were just delivered to the gate… ” He looked around and met Clarke’s eyes cautiously before turning back to face the commander.

 

“ _Heda..._   _just_ the bodies.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick chapter. I know some of you wanted to know more about Clarke and Moira so there you go! This chapter wasn't initially planned but I decided to add it in, simply because Moira and Clarke's "relationship" is integral to the story so hopefully you understand it better now. 
> 
> Cheers. Hit me up with questions at lionclarke.tumblr.com


	14. Under Fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for gore.

Horses splashed through the mud, even from her spot on the tiny balcony overlooking the city she could hear the splashing echoing. It had rained last night, cutting short the passing ceremony of her two scouts, Fenix and Trent. Given their lack of heads, Lexa had had to identify them through markings, though even then that had been hard. Wolves had mangled their bodies almost beyond recognition. Trent and Fenix had been some of her most respected warriors and Lexa had trained with them for years before ascending. Their death alone were enough to reignite the sparks of fury towards Viktor and his clan. They had to answer the call of war, and Lexa knew it would be a long one. Slowly over the last few days, armies had trickled in from every corner of the nation as orders from generals rung out through the air. They were leaving today, moral high on the vengeance people wanted. The quicker it ended, the sooner Clarke would be free. At least in Lexa’s mind she would. Moira would die before the end of this war, Lexa would assure that regardless of the outcome. If Lexa had to die to kill her, then it would happen.  

“ _So you’re off to war then_ ,” she heard from behind her. Lexa turned and gave a weak smile towards the other girl. 

“ _Skylar_ ,” she breathed out before nodding. “ _The journey is long, many will not make it back_.” 

 She looked back towards the city, her jaw clenching slightly. The smallest of touch on her arm caused her to exhale and soon enough Skylar had her hand wrapped around Lexa’s bicep. 

“ _But you will.._ ” Lexa shook her head. 

“ _Skylar I…”_ The girl tightened her grip, causing Lexa to look at her.

_“No… You have to.”_

_“I make no promises in times of war_.” Skylar’s eyes were pleading as she stepped closer, eyes wet with unshed tears.  

“ _That is not what you said last time_.” 

Last time. The mountain had been last time, but that was different. She had not met Clarke, last time. Lexa exhaled and shook her head.  

“ _It’s not the same. Things have changed_.”

 “ _You mean you’ve changed_.”

 “ _Skylar, don’t start with this now…”_

  _“You have, Lexa. I am not sure if it is suiting.”_ Lexa huffed and Skylar trailed her arm down to intertwine theirs hands. A small squeeze and Lexa closed her eyes slowly before opening them to look at the other woman. She gave her a hesitant smile and reached over to cup the girl’s face with her free arm. Her hand was a ghost of a touch and Skylar leaned into it, her eyes closing. Lexa’s smile faded and she swallowed as she trailed the bruises on the girl’s face. 

  _“I am not sure if it is suiting either,_ ” she whispered softly. Skylar’s hand came up to rest on top of hers and the girl cracked her eyes open. “ _I just know it feels right._ ”

 Skylar seemed to resign herself at that, and she pulled out of Lexa’s hold completely.

 “ _If you won’t come back for me, do so for Clarke_ ,” she said with finality before leaving the room. In exchange, Clarke stepped in, throwing a slightly confused look in Lexa’s direction. 

 “What about Clarke?” the girl rasped out, stopping a few steps short of Lexa. Lexa’s heart sped up. Clarke was a sight for sore eyes. She was dressed much like she was for her wedding. White war paint covered her face and her lips were white. Her hair was pulled back from her face in a half-top bun and the tips barely cascaded over her shoulders. It was insane how much Clarke’s hair had grown back since she’d cut it. She wore white armour, Ice Nation symbol plastered over her chest and a white cape flowed behind her with every she took. Her sword was hitched to her side and Lexa could see a handgun strapped to her thigh. 

 Lexa swallowed. “Nothing, do not worry about it.”

 “Skylar doesn’t like me very much, does she?”

 A sigh and Lexa closed her eyes before opening them and staring at Clarke. “Skylar will get over it. She…”

 “…loves you?” Clarke questioned in a way that made Lexa sure she already knew the answer.

 Lexa remained silent and Clarke closed the distance between them. 

 “She’s beautiful,” Clarke said matter-of-factly. 

 Without missing a beat, Lexa replied. “So are you.”

 Clarke clicked her tongue at that and joined her hands together nervously. “Don’t compare us, I’m not jealous. It’s just that…”

 "Just that…?”

 “I want you to be happy, even if… even if it’s not with me. Promise me you’ll try, when the war is over.”

 Lexa made small noises of disscontempt at that. Happiness was pointless if it was not with Clarke, she knew that much. She wrapped an arm around Clarke’s waist and the girl sunk into her embrace easily. She could feel her trembling in her arms and Lexa swallowed thickly before resting her head on top of Clarke’s head. This was right where both of them belonged.

 “Our fight is not over, Clarke,” Lexa whispered thickly between them. 

 Clarke nodded numbly against her and Lexa knew that she didn’t agree. She pulled back and grabbed Clarke’s face between both of her hands. Tears were thick in Clarke’s eyes. 

“Hey, look at me.” 

Clarke did and Lexa’s breath hitched. Clarke’s eyes were glazed over, making the blue of her iris sharper. It was breathtaking and heartbreaking all at the same time. Gently, Lexa grabbed the girl’s hand and squeezed it. 

“We belong together, Clarke Griffin. Don’t you dare give up on that.” 

That seemed to do it and Clarke unravelled in front of her, tears spilling silently down her cheeks. Well shit, that wasn’t the intended reaction. 

“Clarke..”

“I won’t,” Clarke husked out, hand grabbing Lexa’s so tight she wasn’t sure she’d be able to use it later. But she didn’t have much time to dwell on that because Clarke angled her head up and closed the distance to press a soft kiss to the corner of Lexa’s mouth. It was soft, and all too short in Lexa’s opinion, and Clarke pulled back to untangle herself from Lexa all together. 

“War awaits, Commander,” Clarke breathed out. Then she turned, her cape rolling over her like a wave and exited the room. Lexa took a deep calming breath and shook her head before grabbing the hilt of her sword, plastering a look of confidence on her face and stepping out to join the armies. 

It was only hours later, her sword tight in her hand and warriors in formation that Lexa stowed away all thoughts of Clarke. This was war and she needed to focus. She raised her sword in the air and let out a loud war cry. The echo of her warriors was deafening and the people of Polis cheered just as loud. 

And so they were off. 

The nation of  Vestr was four days ride through the woods away, not allotting for breaks and overnight stays. Lexa needed every warrior to be at their best and given that only half of them were on horses, the trip would take longer than four days. It was no help that the weather would not be kind to them. 

The first ambush came in the middle of nightfall on, footsteps muted by the sound of heavy rain hitting tree leaves. Warriors were cold, and anxious, and perhaps so eager for war that too few were focused on the present. Lexa had been laying awake in her bed when she heard the low grumbling and the distinct snapping of twigs under something heavy. 

She smelt the beast before she saw its shadow dancing on the wall of her tent; foul and wet. It had only been a little under a week since she’d last seen a wolf rider though Lexa remembered the stories that caused nightmares from her childhood. Dire wolves were dangerous, fed on the blood of humans and Lexa hadn’t understood why the Ice Nation trained them like horses if they were so blood thirsty. She only understood why, years later, when war with the west was upon them and Lexa had fled. Dire wolves were war machines, and rightly had every right to be feared. 

Lexa stood up slowly, hand grabbing the sword at her bed side and eyes trailing the moving figure of the wolf on the skin of her tent. Its rider angled his head towards Lexa and she held her breath, hand tightening around her sword as though she feared that he could see right through the wall. Lexa heard soft melodic laughter about 100 meters away, where the campfire (or what was able to burn in this rain) was located, and both wolf and rider quickly shifted their attention to that. The beast tensed and Lexa also turned her head towards the sound. The wind and rain made the entrance of her tent flap open and close and she could vaguely see the figures near the fire. Octavia and Raven. And… Clarke? Another twig snapped and Lexa could only react as the wolf took off in Clarke’s direction. 

“CLARKE,” she yelled out, her voice cracking with fear she couldn’t contain. 

 From the fire pit, Clarke stood and seemed to squint her eyes before making out the wolf and gasping. Lexa heard the sound of a sword being drawn and her steps fell into a run as she ran towards them. Someone called out “WOLF RIDERS” or was that her? Lexa couldn’t hear herself anymore. 

All hell broke loose. 

She heard Octavia let out a pain filled scream and another wolf leaped over Lexa, landing and sliding into the mud to turn and flash its teeth at her. Lexa’s hair clung to her and she exhaled a breath of fear before crouching down into a fighting stance. It took all of Lexa’s self control to focus on the wolf and not look over to where Clarke was. Around her the camp was falling into chaos. Warrior’s cries and swords clanking filled the air. She could vaguely hear the tugging and release of a bow shooting arrows and she finally lunged at the wolf, slashing the sword with hard calculated strikes. The wolf crumbled to the floor, warrior leaping off of him to fight Lexa. He was not match for her and Lexa felt no remorse as she took his life. Lexa fell into a jog, her legs heavy like cement. Why did she feel like she couldn’t run fast enough? There was a scream to her left and Lexa turned just in time to be able to dodge the leaping of another wolf. Lightning flashed across the sky and Lexa smothered a gasp as she looked into the wolves red eyes. Thunder echoed in the clearing, loud, and from the distance a wolf howled. The wolf closest to her bared his teeth and then tilted his head back, howling back so loudly it almost made Lexa drop her sword. And then it turned and left, bounding through camp until the forest line where it turned one last time to stare at her before disappearing. 

Silence.

Lexa could hear her heartbeat thudding just as fast as the rain fell and Lexa swallowed herself back to reality. Lincoln dropped down from the trees and ran past her and suddenly Lexa was aware of the painful cries of Octavia echoing through the night. 

“I ca.. I can’t stop the bleeding,” she heard Clarke gasp out through tears and Lexa took slow careful steps in their direction, still reeling in the aftershock of the attack. 

 _Get it together_. 

“ _Where’s the healer?_ ” she cried out loudly through camp, her voice almost breaking as she finally made it to the dying campfire. Octavia was propped up against Lincoln, head rolling side to side. She was so pale and for the life couldn’t figure out what was wrong until she noticed what was missing. Octavia’s left arm had been ripped clean off. 

“ _Lincoln, bring her to my tent,”_ she breathed out. Clarke looked at her and Lexa swallowed. “She’ll be okay.” 

“ _Lincoln_ ,” she repeated, finally getting his attention, “ _My tent_.” 

Lexa turned back and looked around camp. Warriors seemed in a post trance and Lexa swallowed before loudly addressing the camp. 

“ _I want guards on high alert. Somebody tally up the casualties and the wounded. No one comes into my tent unless I say so.”_  

Lexa’s tent smelt metallic when she finally stepped in. Clarke was lighting candles around the tent with shaky hands and Octavia laid on Lexa’s makeshift bed, soaked and trembling from the cold and shock. Lincoln was crouched beside her, whispering softly to her and brushing Octavia’s wet hair out of her face. Clarke shrugged her  jacket off and began applying pressure to Octavia’s wound which caused the other girl to tense up. This wouldn’t be pretty. 

“We need to burn the wound.” 

Clarke’s head snapped in her direction, eyes wide with fears and Raven gasped behind her. Lincoln nodded and stood up. His face was hard and he pulled out a knife from his pocket and Lexa nodded back at him before he placed the knife above the candle and held it there. There wasn’t enough time, and Octavia had lost so much blood already that Lexa feared she would not see the next sunrise. But this was all they could do, all they had left, a shot in the dark perhaps but the only chance Octavia had to survive. The blade heated up and Lincoln stood there far too long than he needed to. 

“ _Lincoln?”_ Lexa whispered to him as she stepped closer. 

“ _I can’t… it’s my fault_.” 

Lexa shook her head and grabbed the knife out of his hand. The handle was warm and Lexa knew the blade was definitely hot enough to cauterize the wound. Within seconds she had it pressed against the stump of Octavia’s arm. It hissed against the girls skin and Octavia had to be held down as she shrieked out. The pain proved to be too much and Octavia finally stopped moving, passed out and Lexa stood up to bring the knife back to the flame. She repeated this process a few times until she was sure the bleeding had stopped and then she retrieved blankets. 

“Keep her warm,” she instructed softly before leaving the comfort of her tent. 

The rain was slowing down and Lexa exhaled a loud breath into the night. 

“She jumped in front of me,” Clarke said from behind her, “It should be me in there.” 

A lull of silence and Clarke stepped up to brush her shoulders against her. 

“I’m glad it’s not,” Lexa finally said. Her hand reaching down to grab tightly around Clarke’s. The blonde looked up at her and Lexa stared back, eyes flickering between Clarke’s to beg her to understand how afraid she had been.  

“This war could kill us both, I’m glad to have known you Clarke Griffin.”

Clarke finally broke her stare and bit down on her lip to look over camp. 

“I am too, Lexa… I am too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haven't proofread and I really don't care, just wanted to update (finally lol)
> 
> Totally a filler chapter but needed kind of a buffer before the big battle. 
> 
> Enjoy, let me know what y'all thought. 
> 
> \- L


	15. The Avalanche

The next few days were spent on edge. Warriors slept when they could, though rarely rested, and many fell pray to the red eyes that haunted their dreams, keeping those afraid awake and driving even the sanest of men to paranoia. If Viktor’s plan had been to drive fear into their very heart, he had succeeded. And Lexa gathered that had been his intention, given how little physical casualty they had actually suffer and how much division was now making its way through camp, Lexa knew to divide them with fear had been his goal. It hadn’t helped that Moira had left the following morning, Ice Warriors at her side. She had promised Clarke she would meet her at the border of the mountains, their army in tow ready to enact the very vengeance they’d built for themselves, but Lexa grew fearful that Moira would never return. She didn’t trust that bitch as far as she could throw her, though Lexa would gladly throw her off the edge of a freaking mountain if she could. 

The only good thing that came of Moira’s departure was Clarke’s freedom. Though she was still shaken from the events of that night, Clarke was lighter on her feet, happier it seemed. It was as though she could breathe on her own accord and even smile occasionally, even if it was small. And when darkness covered them in a thick vail, Clarke found solace in the light of Lexa’s eyes. It was a light that said _If I can only love you in the dark_ , _then I curse the break of dawn_ , and a light that simmered when dawn did break, serious and altogether caught in a turmoil of fighting a war she didn’t want to fight and loving Clarke with every inch of her being.

Lincoln had noticed it too, despite the agony clawing at his mind knowing that Octavia would wake up alone in Polis, and that she’d feel a little too light without her fighting arm. Well she wouldn’t be alone now would she? Raven was with her, and if anyone knew about coping with losing something that made you who you were, it was definitely Raven. And so Lincoln allowed himself to notice the turmoil Lexa expressed in her eyes every morning, brooding and pacing so loudly that if he hadn’t been awake to hear it, he would have woken up at the very sound of it. Lexa would attempt, and succeed only a little, in making the camp more united again. She dined with the warriors, drank with them, rode with them. In her mind there was no separation in who she was and who they were, and Lincoln did not doubt her readiness to lay her life down for them if it came down to it. 

Which is what made him so afraid. In his mind, Lexa already knew how this war would end, had decided it for herself the moment Clarke had come back. He’d think it ridiculous were it not for the understanding of doing whatever you could for the person you loved. And Lexa loved Clarke like the sun loved the moon; always in awe, always chasing, always burning away in yearning that would never be fulfilled without destroying the world around them. And Lincoln could feel the earth burning already. 

The air grew colder now, the farther northwest they went, the quieter everyone got. Lexa convinced herself that it was the bite of winter that sent men into silence. It was not the weight of impending death that clung to them like campfire smoke clings to clothes. It could not be, for fearing death is surrendering to it before the battle even began. Soon they broke the forest line, mountains dead ahead a plain of abandoned roads and rusted dusty cars, keys still in the ignition as though whoever had driven them were going somewhere when the earth blew up. They would rest at the foot of the mountains, and hopefully Moira would arrive before they ventured in. The base was a quiet refugee from the wind they had endured in the plain and Lexa could almost hear Clarke’s heartbeat as she slept with her, breathing jagged in anticipation, and hands clenched tightly around Lexa’s undershirt. She realized this had to be love, being this close despite the lack of hygiene. Tomorrow, war would be upon them, but for now she could stare at Clarke one last time, heart heavy with longing and hands shaking. Tonight she was Clarke’s, utterly and completely. 

* * *

 

The sun rose entirely too quickly, and Lexa had to physically forcibly pry herself from Clarke’s sleeping hold to began the preparation. She reasoned she would wait until noon for Moira’s army, but couldn’t wait any longer. The mountain’s shadow made the men wary and Lexa had to agree: it gave her the creeps. Plus it was easier to be attacked here, she reasoned, and there was only so many supplies left. Lexa wanted to make sure whoever managed the journey back, if any of them, could make it to tell the tale of how Lexa slit Viktor’s throat and threw his decaying head into the white valleys, cursing all who had dared, and hope to dare, challenge her again. And so that they could tell the tale of how Lexa turned around and challenged Moira to the death. 

“You know how much I hate waking up alone,” she heard, raspy and quiet, behind her. 

“I apologize, Clarke. I didn’t realize you’d be up so early,” Lexa reasoned smoothly, dropping the strap of the bag she’d been about to carry and turning to face the girl. Clarke raised an eyebrow at her and Lexa nodded, a small smile tugging at her lip.

“You were the only thing keeping the bed warm, I’m afraid I’m not used to such cold temperatures.” 

Lexa laughed at that. 

“You are Queen of the Ice Nation, Clarke, surely you see the ridiculousness of your statement.”

“I had warmer clothes when I lived in the North. And a fireplace. And… I suppose I’ve grown too accustomed to the heat of your body, Commander.” 

That illicit a response from Lexa, and she felt the heat burning in her cheek before she ducked her head. At least she could blame the redness that flushed her neck to the cold. 

“I don’t think people would believe me if I told them how soft you actually are.”

“Soft?” 

“Caring. Easily embarrassed by how much you care. That you’re not all bad…” Clarke trailed off and looked up towards the mountain. A small breezed managed to squeeze in and push Clare’s messy hair back from her face. And Lexa, Lexa was a goner.

“Am I not?” she whispered, eyes fixated on Clarke. The girl hummed in response, not taking her eyes off of the mountain. 

“I had a dream last night that I… that you…”

“Yes?” Lexa urged on, walking closer to Clarke. She shivered and turned towards Lexa and somehow Lexa knew exactly what Clarke was trying to say. 

“Promise me you won’t leave this time.” 

“I… I promise.” She stopped and looked at the mountain before meeting Clarke’s eyes. “This is one mountain I won’t abandon you to, Clarke Griffin.” 

Clarke held her stare before humming in satisfaction and pulling up the wool of the blanket she had wrapped around her. “That’s Queen Clarke to you,” she teased softly before turning around and walking back towards Lexa’s tent. Lexa watched her leave, shaking her head slightly before turning back to what she’d been doing. 

 “Queen Clarke,” she muttered to herself with a chuckle as she hoisted the bag of weapons into her arms, “whatever you say your majesty.” 

 “I heard that,” she heard loudly and Lexa couldn’t refrain from smiling even if she tried. Yeah, today was as good of day to die as any. 

 

* * *

 

 It was one o’clock  before Lexa even knew it, and her army was ready to march into the mountain, as though they’d done this a thousand times before. Clarke was at her side, nervousness evident in her posture and the way she picked at the reins of her horse. 

 “She said she’d be here by now,” Clarke whispered beside her. Lexa wanted to reply, be snarky in how much she had known Moira was a lying sack of shit, too afraid of war to actually be there when it happened. But she remained quiet and observant in how Clarke seemed to tear herself apart right in front of her. Lexa looked around, the sky people and grounders meddling in the ranks, firearms and swords heavy at their side as they tried to distract each other of what would soon be a blood bath. If Lexa had done anything right, it was this unity between the sky and the ground that would be passed on through their generations, even if they failed here today. 

“I can’t wait any longer, Clarke,” Lexa finally said, “as we speak, Viktor is gaining the advantage of positioning his army. He didn’t think we’d come this far, it’s best to keep up the element of surprise.” 

Clarke chewed on her lip before nodding in defeat at Lexa’s words. Lexa nudged her horse into a trot and broke free from the platoon she was leading to stand proudly in front of everyone. 

“Warriors, _friends,_ ” she shouted loudly, “today we march upon the nation of the West, upon those who have laid claims to our land, to our lives. Upon those who have struck fear into our hearts, and who willingly will strike fear into the hearts of those we swore to protect when we created this coalition. We know peace is possible, co-existence is possible, I see it in your eyes that you wish nothing more than for that peace to be permanent. Take up your weapons, fight for that peace! Fight the very thing that threatens to tear the peace away! Fight for the warrior beside you! And the warriors who are no longer beside us! Fight! Fight! Fight!” 

The warriors joined in, their chant echoing loudly through the passage of the mountain. The ground shook, sirens rang, and they were off. Off to war. Lexa met Clarke’s eyes and smiled weakly as the chant echoed over and over again. _Fight, Clarke, Fight._  

“So much for the element of surprise,” Clarke joked weakly as she followed Lexa into the coldness of the mountain, army hot on her heel and forsaking the thought of Moira’s betrayal.  

It was too quiet, and took too long for Lexa to be comfortable with their location when night fell thickly on them. She sent scouts ahead of the mountain pass, needing to know if war would soon be upon them or if they could hold and sleep for a few hours. The scouts never came back and Lexa decided to go an alternative way, up through Quaite’s Hold and across the ridge to Troll’s Fall, just north east of the Western borders. 

It was in the early hours of the morning that Lexa realized that had been Viktors plan all along. Winter had blanketed the Hold in snow so thick that it was difficult for their horses to move. And in the darkness of the morning, coupled with the heavy wind blowing the snow into them, Lexa saw her first mark and what would be her first kill. 

They were taken by surprised, attacked within instants and Lexa could see the red in the snow as her warriors fought and took lives and died. Clarke and her were quickly separated and her horse was abandoned in favour of mobility and what little stealth being close to the ground gave her. The first wave was only foot soldiers, and her army did what they could to rid of them quickly. And then the wolves came, growling and shaking the snow of the mountain underneath Lexa’s feet. She could hear gunshots go off over and over again, was thankful that the guns were on their side but would have been more thankful if it had been enough to scare the wolves. She swung her sword and took lives without remorse, and watched as wolves tore her friends apart. The slit though the middle of her army, picking people off their horses and ripping them to shreads. She saw warriors she had fought with her whole life stare back at her with lifeless eyes when their heads came to a stop right in front of her. Lexa had failed, and Lexa would die here and Clarke… oh god, Clarke would die here too. 

Lexa looked for her, could see the white symbol of the ice nation move with purpose deeper into Viktors army and Lexa found herself following blindly. She would do what she could to protect Clarke in her quest to kill the man who had been murdering the ice nation. It was with heavy breath that she caught up to the girl and Lexa delivered blow after blow after blow. 

“Do you have a plan, Griffin?” she breathed out as she brought her sword down into the skull of an attacking warrior. 

“Not really,” Clarke replied calmly, though Lexa could hear the fear in her voice trembling like the mountain underneath them. And then, more desperate. 

“Lexa, I can’t do this again… I can’t.. I can’t be responsible for the lives of all your warriors. We’ve led them to their death.” 

Lexa shook her head as Clarke and her danced around each other, feet almost sinking into the snow each time. “This fight is not over, Clarke. Keep fighting if you want these deaths to have meant something.” 

She felt the sting of a blade across her upper left arm and hissed before slashing the warrior responsible for it. Like it had been drawn to the blood, a wolf appeared and Clarke stepped in front of it to fight, to protect Lexa. She would have been touched were it not Clarke’s life dangling right in front of her. Quickly she stepped beside Clarke. 

“Together,” she said firmly, sword raised and eyes flashing dangerously. 

“Together,” Clarke replied.  

The wolf pounced and then…

…Then nothing. One second it was there, the next it was not, pushed to the side by another wolf. That’s when the ground really started shaking. 

“Moira,” Clarke said in disbelief. 

And just like that hundreds of ice nation wolf riders cross the ridge of Quaite’s hold, pouring into them like a wave washing away Viktor’s warriors. There was a sickening crunch as the two groups met and Lexa could barely believe her eyes. 

“About damn time,” she said under her breath, still refusing to think that what was happening was actually real, refusing to believe Moira had come back at all. But she could see her, leading the wolves in a loud howl, and when their eyes met, Lexa nodded in recognition and thank. Clarke grabbed her hand then and pulled her towards the centre of Viktor’s army.  They had a job to finish, and Clarke seemed hellbent on making sure she finished it right. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy guys. We're getting near the end now! Sorry, work has been keeping me crazy busy but do with this what you will. 
> 
> Didn't edit this so please don't comment on grammar/spelling because i really don't care right now.


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